[justagirl26]

I've been with him for 7years and he has left me 3years ago when my son was born, since then he has been leaving me at least once a year to the point of moving in with roomates.He has been very much mentally abusive and physically at times which has gotten worst after my son's birth but he is not physical with me anymore apart from holding me down when he's mad.

A month ago he packed his stuff and left me, I do live at my parents house with my son, eversince we worked together he has met co workers that have been brainwashing him into the tipical men mentality.We did everything together in the beginning, he would always cry to me and love me madly and unconditionally we were the bestest friends.But a month ago he told me he's putting his foot down (when he left me again), and has been saying hurtful things to me since then such as ''a woman's only duty is to satisfy her man and do as she is told'' & 'There is plenty of women out there'' & ''No man will put up with your ways'' & ''I honestly couldn't care less about your feelings'' MORE :'(.The old him would have never been so meanhearted and say these things.Well now he is asking me to move out with him, but he has done a 180 on me, he also tells me now that he does not want to spend a lot of time with me because it ''ruins'' relationships suposibly, and that he needs his spaceBut remember before I was his best friend we were always together and I guess I got used to it.I am doubtful to move out with him because he has done such a 180 I just don't see things like he does,yet I am so in love with him it's killing me.Please I need someone to clarify why he might be doing this and what I should do, Thank you.

26 F

[Touch of gray]

He sounds like he's very insecure - like he's trying on different ways to be and he doesn't know which one to settle on. He's being influenced by peer pressure and he's acting very unstable.

Yes, you love him, but you also love your son. Your top priority is to love your child and keep him safe. To do this, you have to love yourself and keep yourself safe. It sounds like you share love with your parents, too. They certainly love their grandson. If it's safe to live with your parents, stay with your parents - even if/when he leaves.

He'll always be in your life because of your son. That doesn't mean you have to live with him. As you both get older and he matures enough to figure out who he really is, your relationship with him will mature, too. Loving him is very sweet, and when you love someone you want what's best for him. Maybe right now the best way to love him is to let him know that you'll still be around when his life settles down, but you can't ride his rollercoaster with him. Don't be afraid that your romantic love will change into a deep friendship over time - that can be rewarding too.

Short term, stay safe and settled, calmly set a boundary that he is not allowed to disrespect you by setting a role for you (you can choose your own path quite nicely on your own, thank you), set other boundaries on how he can contact you, see the boy, etc. Stick to those boundaries. Right now he doesn't seem to trust you to make your own decisions, and he isn't showing you much evidence for why you should trust him right now. Wow, I'm stepping off my soapbox now. I hope I wasn't being too pushy. Take care of yourself

[healingme4me]

Holding you down, while he is mad?! That is being physically abusive and it's called restraining you and not allowing you to walk away from the argument. Which, you have a right to walk away from any argument.

He's in and out of your life. Sounds like a long, rocky, possibly futuristically dangerous road to be on.

What keeps you staying with him?

[Trippin2.0]

Why? Well because he is abusive. He is emotionally and mentally abusive. Coming and going as he pleases, leaving you at the mercy of his whims, laying down the law regarding your "place" annnnd restraining you is a huge NO NO! even if he doesn't resort to blatant physical attacks.

He's messing with your head, and you're letting him. He offers no kind of stability, leaving you and returning repeatedly, year after year. Knowing you sit around waiting for his return. Sounds as if he is a part time parent, its not healthy to appear and disappear out of your childs life. What type of role is he playing in your child's life? What type of role model will he be?

He's a grown man, I highly doubt he's being brainwashed, maybe he finally found friends who share his opinion of women and feels more confident to voice it. Don't blame his new friends for his abusive and disrespectful behaviour. He owns it, nobody is making him treat you badly. He does it because he can.

I'd like to echo Healing4me's question: What keeps you staying with him???

What is he bringing into your relationship that you absolutely cannot live without? What is he providing that you will not find somewhere else? What role is he playing in your life that another man cannot play far better?

What?
I'm not asking for answers, I want you to think about those questions and answer them to yourself, honestly.

You say you love him, but you also say "its kiling me". There is no "killing me" where love is concerned. Love is kind, respecting and trustworthy.

You can't even trust him to not leave before 12 months are up! He is unkind and disrespectful.
Where is this love you speak of? Because I honestly don't see it.

And it shouldn't be there sometimes when things are good, it should be there ALL the time. If its sometimes, then there is more evidence for you to see you are in an abusive relationship. Because abuse has a cycle, and abusers only ACT loving and kind during the honeymoon phase.

Seems like you are either inlove with love, or inlove with the idea of him, his "potential".

People shouldn't marry potential, thats like marrying a maybe.

Listen to your instinct, don't move in with him. Even if you are ok with being abused, and feel you don't deserve better, ask yourself if your child deserves to be subjected to it.

I was in very simliar shoes a few years ago, I'm not talking out my a.s.s

[Yoda]

I understand that he is the love of your life and you have a lot invested in the relationship but he isn't reciprocating. You cannot make him love you and he isn't treating you the way a caring person should treat someone they care about. I am sorry but I see no hope for the relationship.

Does he show affection to the child? Can he be trusted to have unsupervised visitation? You need to do the best you can to make a good life for you and your child.