Why don't I open up to anyone? (possibly triggering for EDs)

A lot has been going on in my life the last several months, but I find it difficult to talk to people about it. I keep reading things online that say "Go to friends and family" and whatnot, but I just don't have the desire to share how I'm feeling with my mother or either of my best friends or...well, anyone. I feel like the only outlet I have, strangely, is online, where I can just vent anonymously on sites like this. Similarly, I've contemplated going to my college's counselor/therapist for over two years, and still haven't. I just don't feel like going to other people to talk about my problems. It's not that I don't trust them, I guess, I just don't feel very close to them, at least not to the point where I'm willing to tell them how I feel and what's going on with me. It took me forever to tell anyone I lost my job and got kicked out of my school program, and I haven't told my mother yet that my boyfriend of 11 months just dumped me. I told my best friends, but didn't reveal to them that it upset me. I tend to just play things off like I'm okay even when I'm not, because I seem to outright refuse to tell anyone when I need help or am having problems. My eating disorder issues recently picked back up and I haven't told anyone about that (well, until right now, I guess), and I was contemplating suicide a few months ago and didn't tell anyone that either. The only person I would even consider telling this to is now my ex-boyfriend (and even then, I'm a little wary of telling people about that, because when I told my ex-fiance two years ago that I had an ED, he went on a rant about how it was "disgusting" and "how could I do that to myself" and "you're going to die soon and even if you don't you won't be able to have kids" and when I told him I was suicidal, he said verbatim "people who commit suicide go to hell...and if you killed yourself I would never forgive you"; so now I don't really want to open up to others as much about it). But that can't be the only reason, I was like this before. I just want to know why. Is it a matter of not trusting others? Do I have attachment issues? Am I just being stubborn? What's going on here?

Sorry this was so long!

Seeking counseling need not just be about talking about your problems, but a trained professional can help you figure out why you don't open up to others. Your last sentences ask, is it this, or is it that? A trained professional would be better suited to answer that, so that, you can then work through that, if working through it, is something you want.
Plus they can help you over come you ideations. Feeling suicidal is serious! Hope you find in person support, or at least try the hotline, that number is posted on this site


And btw, you are not 'disgusting' for having an ED. Your ex fiancé, it was awful of him to say such a thing, it was judgmental and not supportive, at all!

I have been in counseling on and off for years, I understand not feeling comfortable letting your emotions and problems out, I hope you can find someone to confide in especially if you have had feelings of suicide ever. because I am sure there are people that you mean the world to!