I'm writing my autobiography, and it's bringing a lot of old memories up. That can be either good or bad, but for the most part it's been very therapeutic.

Now, here is a difficult part.

I remember as a teenager having to abide by rules that seemed to me to be very strict, and they still do now even though I am middle-aged. I may tell somebody about how my father used to screen everything we watched and all of the music we listened to, even G-rated moves (like anything rated G is going to be inappropriate for teenagers). He wouldn't let us watch movies or TV shows, or listen to any songs, that he himself didn't like. When I tell about this, most people respond, "Well, that was exactly his job as your parent."

But what I don't seem to be communicating is, number one, screening rated G movies when we were teenagers? Isn't that a little extreme? And number two, he gave his yes or no based not on morality or content, but simply on whether or not he, personally, liked it. Bottom line is that the man didn't believe in "opinion." If he liked it, it was good, and if he didn't like it, it was trash and we weren't allowed to enjoy it ourselves. Do you get what I'm saying here? Which do you agree with, that he was carrying his authority too far, or that he was only doing his job as a parent?

The other situation I can't seem to make people understand is, sometimes my mother would order me to do something I was already going to do anyway, and she didn't get it when I tried to explain that I didn't need to be told. She thought I just didn't want to do it, when that wasn't it at all. For example, once when we were having dinner at another family's house, I decided would show my mother I was capable of thinking for myself, by volunteering to do the dishes. But she didn't give me a chance to volunteer. Before the meal had ended, she TOLD me I was going to do the dishes. I tried to explain that I wanted to do them of my own accord, but she wouldn't let me get a word in. "Now, no arguing, young lady. You do as you're told!" Even the hostess felt guilty and thanked me for doing the dishes although I "didn't want to," and that almost made me scream in frustration. I was not communicating that I didn't mind doing the dishes. I only wanted to be given credit for knowing the right thing to do, rather than just being a good little girl obeying her mommy. But most people, when I talk about this incident, don't see a problem. "Well, when you're 15, you do what your mother tells you, and that's that."

Can anyone understand me here?

[tinyrabbit]

It sounds like it wasn't really about you and what would be good, but about using movies as way of controlling you and making you submit to authority. I can totally see why that would bother you.

It sounds like your mother also tried to exercise authority to an excessive degree instead of encouraging you to take initiative - she was effectively stopping you from expressing yourself.

That would bother me too.

[unaluna]

Both seem to be about stifling rather than encouraging your free will, encouraging your ability to make good decisions for yourself. THAT should be what parenting is about, preparing your child to face the world. That you knew to wash the dishes should have been celebrated. even some g movies arent that clean, but I see your point - my uncle never allowed my cousin to read my copy of Jane Eyre or David Copperfield because he didn't want her to turn out like me, I suppose, whatever that is! I took the copies back many years later when I found out. He had this weird look on his face. That is one of my hints that my family thinks I'm a perv.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

I'm writing my autobiography, and it's bringing a lot of old memories up. That can be either good or bad, but for the most part it's been very therapeutic.

Now, here is a difficult part.

I remember as a teenager having to abide by rules that seemed to me to be very strict, and they still do now even though I am middle-aged. I may tell somebody about how my father used to screen everything we watched and all of the music we listened to, even G-rated moves (like anything rated G is going to be inappropriate for teenagers). He wouldn't let us watch movies or TV shows, or listen to any songs, that he himself didn't like. When I tell about this, most people respond, "Well, that was exactly his job as your parent."

But what I don't seem to be communicating is, number one, screening rated G movies when we were teenagers? Isn't that a little extreme? And number two, he gave his yes or no based not on morality or content, but simply on whether or not he, personally, liked it. Bottom line is that the man didn't believe in "opinion." If he liked it, it was good, and if he didn't like it, it was trash and we weren't allowed to enjoy it ourselves. Do you get what I'm saying here? Which do you agree with, that he was carrying his authority too far, or that he was only doing his job as a parent?

The other situation I can't seem to make people understand is, sometimes my mother would order me to do something I was already going to do anyway, and she didn't get it when I tried to explain that I didn't need to be told. She thought I just didn't want to do it, when that wasn't it at all. For example, once when we were having dinner at another family's house, I decided would show my mother I was capable of thinking for myself, by volunteering to do the dishes. But she didn't give me a chance to volunteer. Before the meal had ended, she TOLD me I was going to do the dishes. I tried to explain that I wanted to do them of my own accord, but she wouldn't let me get a word in. "Now, no arguing, young lady. You do as you're told!" Even the hostess felt guilty and thanked me for doing the dishes although I "didn't want to," and that almost made me scream in frustration. I was not communicating that I didn't mind doing the dishes. I only wanted to be given credit for knowing the right thing to do, rather than just being a good little girl obeying her mommy. But most people, when I talk about this incident, don't see a problem. "Well, when you're 15, you do what your mother tells you, and that's that."

Can anyone understand me here?

Sounds like you felt unheard in your family of origin. And, no, I don't completely believe it was generational, or anything to that nature. I do get, some families, children were(are) seen, but not heard, at the same time, there's been numerous families, through generations, where there has and continues to be communication amongst parent(s) and child(ren) and it fosters a sense of independent growth of the child, into adulthood. Does sound like your father may have taken his position of power, as the man of the home, to dictate what, where, how things will be watched and seen. I get that not everything, is appropriate for every family, but a little flexibility, goes a long, long way.

Children, who have grown up in uber strict/highly controlled home lives, sometimes, have a tendency to have troubles down the road.

So, yes, I feel I have an idea/comprehension of what you are trying to point out. No, I don't believe that this is the 'only' way that things were, and it is a bit disheartening to realize, that those around you, that you've been trying to articulate this to, have minimized your reality, in a way, invalidating your reality(hmmmm, much like your mom didn't let you express your own desire to help someone else out, she got to play star, instead of letting you shine, and subsequently, could have made her shine more than she 'did')

I also posted the OP on my Facebook page, and let me tell you, my brother threw a FIT! He absolutely will not have our upbringing remembered this way. We were raised by the same two biological (plus several step) parents, but you'd never know it from our recollections of childhood. To hear him talk, "a few negative things occasionally happened." Yes, those were his words. In reality, our upbringing was dysfunctional and highly toxic, and I'm grateful to a cousin who jumped into the Facebook discussion to assert that I was telling the truth.

I did manage to smooth things over with my brother. One thing that appeared to be a misunderstanding between us is that he seemed to think I was angry and resentful of these things, when really I was only questioning it. He also thought I was blaming the fact that I have mental health issues on my childhood, when actually someone can have the best childhood in the world and still end up with an illness. It is nobody's fault at all. Still, it's clear he insists on looking back through rose colored glasses, remembering only the good, and denying the bad. I pointed out that this is just as unhealthy as the other way around. He gave it a "Like" and didn't argue with me. And I reassured him I have good memories too.

By the way, my grown daughter's very wise take on it is that some parents want to raise mini-me's. They expect their children to look, act, think, and feel like them. They do not encourage thinking for themselves, and the biggest life lesson they teach is, "Do what I tell you." As a child, I learned that lesson very well, but few others, until I had been on my own for many years.

[twoper]

My upbringing had some similarities to yours. I agree that it is a parent's job to continually encourage their child to develop a sense of responsibility and autonomy, a stable separate identity, and that keeping them mentally dependent on the parent only prolongs the journey into maturity. People are expected to be able to choose their own actions and face the consequences by their late teens, so the parent should definitely be leaving room for their child to do those things (in a somewhat controlled way) by the mid teens or even earlier. Otherwise, you get a legal adult who still has to figure everything out regarding identity, choices and consequences. This person may make bad decisions that negatively impact him or her for a long time while in the process of figuring things out, and he or she will be less likely to take the initiative and seize positive opportunities.

There are plenty of people, my own mother included, who would say that this is why a person should continue listening to and obeying his or her parents even well into adulthood. Separation isn't necessary because the parents can continue to provide guidance - and by the time the parents are gone, the person will have internalized their thoughts and wishes to such an extent that they will live on in the person's head.

A lot of that is cultural, and it does tend to apply less generally to people raised by American parents.

I believe that while that model may work for some people, many others (like you or me) are simply not cut out to thrive with it. A lot of people have "shoulds" around this topic - i.e. a person "should" thrive with it, and failure to do so is a sign of something wrong with the person. I think there are no "shoulds" here. It is perfectly possible to parent in a manner that encourages your child to become a healthily independent, autonomous individual. If you sense that your child needs this (which is true more often than not), then things are going to go a lot more smoothly if you provide it than if you adhere to something that doesn't work.

Perhaps you can tell that I'm passionate about this, because I've written a lot! I too went through childhood and adolescence feeling totally stifled and faced criticism from well-meaning people about how I "should" not feel that way.

All that being said, one of the benefits of getting a bit older is that I care less and less about what well-meaning people think about how I should feel or what I should do. You will never convince them of your point of view, because they have a vested emotional interest in keeping their own point of view. And luckily - now that you make your own life - their opinions don't matter!

[psychmajortwenty2]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

I'm writing my autobiography, and it's bringing a lot of old memories up. That can be either good or bad, but for the most part it's been very therapeutic.

Now, here is a difficult part.

I remember as a teenager having to abide by rules that seemed to me to be very strict, and they still do now even though I am middle-aged. I may tell somebody about how my father used to screen everything we watched and all of the music we listened to, even G-rated moves (like anything rated G is going to be inappropriate for teenagers). He wouldn't let us watch movies or TV shows, or listen to any songs, that he himself didn't like. When I tell about this, most people respond, "Well, that was exactly his job as your parent."

But what I don't seem to be communicating is, number one, screening rated G movies when we were teenagers? Isn't that a little extreme? And number two, he gave his yes or no based not on morality or content, but simply on whether or not he, personally, liked it. Bottom line is that the man didn't believe in "opinion." If he liked it, it was good, and if he didn't like it, it was trash and we weren't allowed to enjoy it ourselves. Do you get what I'm saying here? Which do you agree with, that he was carrying his authority too far, or that he was only doing his job as a parent?

The other situation I can't seem to make people understand is, sometimes my mother would order me to do something I was already going to do anyway, and she didn't get it when I tried to explain that I didn't need to be told. She thought I just didn't want to do it, when that wasn't it at all. For example, once when we were having dinner at another family's house, I decided would show my mother I was capable of thinking for myself, by volunteering to do the dishes. But she didn't give me a chance to volunteer. Before the meal had ended, she TOLD me I was going to do the dishes. I tried to explain that I wanted to do them of my own accord, but she wouldn't let me get a word in. "Now, no arguing, young lady. You do as you're told!" Even the hostess felt guilty and thanked me for doing the dishes although I "didn't want to," and that almost made me scream in frustration. I was not communicating that I didn't mind doing the dishes. I only wanted to be given credit for knowing the right thing to do, rather than just being a good little girl obeying her mommy. But most people, when I talk about this incident, don't see a problem. "Well, when you're 15, you do what your mother tells you, and that's that."

Can anyone understand me here?

Ummm... if I were you.... I would have had a big problem with all of that. I totally understand you.

That sounds like a jerky move your father did. Being a parent doesn't mean you're a dictator. You're supposed to be your child's protection and guardian against the world.... so that they can be strong enough to later on explore it when they grow up. You create individuals, not exact copies.

And your mother... maaaaan... I would have gotten so frustrated if my mother did that. My dad does that to me occasionally, but he does it in a way that isn't too frustrating.

[tripcode]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

Can anyone understand me here?

Yes, I can. I occasionally had similar tendencies with my mother as a teen. I was not particularly rebellious, either, just that I had my own way of wanting to do things, and often, it was her way or the "wrong way". I think the problem you had concerning your father is, instead of perhaps saying why he objected to some things, he just expected to maintain control of that...and to some degree, and depending on the child's age, that is appropriate. However, the older you get, and the more responsible you become, the more independence parents should allow their children, and the more responsibilities you should be making for yourself - including what entertainment you will enjoy. Some parents have control issues; some also want to keep their kids as kids long after they have become old enough to be doing this on their own.
With your mom, it seems she was also not listening to you either, but in a slightly different way. A parent should know her or his child well enough to know if the child is responsible, rebellious, lackadaisical about chores, etc. She didn't seem to know you or your motives that well, and furthermore may have been working off a stereotype that teenagers are automatically rebellious (when many are not).
Either way, it sounds like neither of your parents let your voice or ideas be heard or expressed, and I can absolutely see why that bothers you - I would be very unhappy with that as well.
I hope you were able to resolve this with your family, including your brother.