[cracking_up]

Hello everyone....
I would really appreciate some advice. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and the last six months have been not so good. He feels that I am a nag because I keep bringing up the issues in our marriage, and I feel that he is avoiding the issues because he won't talk about them. A lot of the time, when I ask him questions about his feelings, he just shrugs. This is very frustrating, especially when I'm asking what I can do to fix this. Neither one of us feels that the other person is validating us, but we feel that we are validating to the other person. So things are at a standstill. He refuses to go to counseling, even if we could find a free one. I know we both have problems, for example, I know that I spend too much money, and I know that I don't always keep the house as clean as I should, and I know that it probably does seem like I nag about our relationship, because it is very hard for me to let go of something, because I am very bull-headed. It's a total paradox because I know that one of the things that would fix it would be to stop continually asking for reassurance, but then I don't get any reassurance, and I get scared that something is wrong. He doesn't know why he stays, but he doesn't know why he won't leave either. I really want to make this work, I just don't know how. I need the affection and reassurance and the words to get the strength to do the things that need to be done to fix it. One of the biggest things for example, is I'll ask if he wants me to go somewhere with him. What I want him to say is yes or no. And he always says it's up to me. He feels that that response is very caring, because it's letting me do what I want. But to me, that feels like he could care less if I was with him or not. All I would like to hear is yes, I want you to go with me. I need to hear the words sometimes. He also CONSTANTLY flirts with other girls online. That drives me NUTS. I know that men can compartmentalize their lives, and just because he flirts online doesn't mean he doesn't love me, but it still bugs me. He has never tried to meet these women in person, so far as I know, and I don't feel that he wants to, but it feels like he's going to them to get what he should be getting from me. I feel that he shouldn't worry about getting it from them, and concentrate on making it so that he gets what he needs from me. Like telling me what he needs. Ok, this is getting to be a long post. I guess the bottom line is, how do you know when it's worth it to keep trying, or when it's over, and you need to move on? How do I tell him what I need without appearing to nag? And how do I rebuild my trust in him if we get things fixed? Does it look like it CAN be fixed? Thank you in advance.

I'm not sure how to move forward if he does not want to go to counseling or couples therapy etc. It would work best if both of you presented a united front, i.e. willingness to work together on your marriage. From what you write, there appears to be a lack of communication. It will be difficult to 'fix' things unless you both communicate... Does he want the relationship to work? Do you?

Just a comment though. When e.g. you ask him if he wants you to go, and he says it's up for you. Why not be honest with him and tell him (non-confrontational) that what you would like to hear is "Yes", in other words you want to feel he wants you to come. Maybe he doesn't think he is doing anything hurtful / wrong. Likewise, when he flirts online - does he know you are upset etc. Just explaining things in a calm manner (no nagging, no tears etc.) might help. Also, do the same for him. You could (a) ask him what you could do for him, or (b) surprise him by doing what you know pleases him etc.

As to how to know whether to call it a day or try, the decision has to be yours. After 2/3 years together, if he is not willing to do anything about the issues at hand, it might be best for you to move on. But it really depends on what each of you really wants... Do you want to pursue this? Maybe you could go and see a counselor to talk through these issues etc.

I think the advice to go to a counselor yourself even if he won't go is good. You can talk out all your concerns & maybe find some better ways to approach him. The on-line "flirting" would have to stop, if it were me, but I am very sensitive to that kind of thing.--Suzy

[cracking_up]

Thank you both for your comments. I DO want things to work out, and I believe that he does, too, I just don't know if we have the communication tools to do so. He comes from a family that NEVER talked about their feelings, and I come from a family that talks about our feelings constantly and at times, at the top of our voices. I've tried telling him how I would like to hear yes, but he says he doesn't understand why I need to hear it all the time, I should just know he loves me, and wants me there. I agree with both of you that at least I should go to counseling, and maybe I could pick up some non-confrontational communication skills, which I definitely lack. He also already knows that I don't like the flirting, which I guess really answers my question about whether or not he wants to make it work. The reason he won't go to a counselor is because he went to one in junior high, and had a very bad experience with it, so I understand that bit. Heigh ho, I guess I knew what needed to be done really, but talking it out a bit here has helped. I hesitated to write a few things, like the extent of the flirting, and that should tell me something. If I can't even admit to it in a completely anonymous forum, if I'm ashamed that I've let myself be treated that way, I need to do something about it. Thanks.

[JustAPixie]

You can express your feelings so well in this post, would it help if you read this exact post to your husband?

[cracking_up]

Well, we're talking more now, I've not brought up the online flirting, because I obtained the information a bit underhandedly. I know that it's not good to keep anything under wraps, but as long as he keeps it online and not in real life, and is attentive to me in all other ways, I'm good. The cybersex to me is like me reading a Harlequin romance novel, or having a daydream about that hot guy at work. What we have is the REAL thing, and what he talks about with those girls or what I daydream about Hot Guy At Work is just a chance for both of us to be perfect in a sexual situation, which neither of us feel sometimes. I still believe that we love each other for who we are, but everyone needs that chance to feel perfect, to have that little escape valve. My problem was that he was escaping a little too often, and not focusing on us. He hit the neighbor's car this morning, no person or vehicle was damaged, thank God, but we dealt with it together, and before he left for work, he hugged me and said "Thank you for being supportive.", which shows me that he WAS paying attention to all my "nagging", even though he wasn't showing it at the time. Have a great day everyone!