[x_BabyG_x]

I can't believe im saying this out in the open.

I have some serious trust issues, not just with my current partner, but with everyone around me. Best friends, even my parents. I'm 26 years old. I have a great bond with both my mother and father (mroe like frinds than parents!) and I have a really tight small circle of friends who are more like sisters to me than friends. But still I can honestly hold both of my hands up and say, there is not one person in the world who i can say that I trust.

My parents, my friends and my partner have given me absolutely no reason for me not to trust them. They have never betrayed me, we have open minds towards each other and are comfortable enough to say what we mean to each other. In fact, I'm extremely lucky to have those people in my life.

The main relationship my issues is affecting at the moment is with my boyfriend. Still a fairly new relationship (just over 18 months?). Ive made some seriously bad choices in men throughout my life, where every one of them has hurt me quite deeply in some way. This includes a 6 year relationship I had with the father of my child, where the majority of the relationship he was hurtful, emotionally abusive and I caught him messaging other women (even when I was pregnant/our child was only a few months old). a few of many deceptions. A lot of the time it was during our 'happier' stages as well. It has made me so sceptical towards not only men in general, but the human race for having our own selfish needs.

Now I knew this would play a major part on my relationships so forth from the split two year ago, some of it for the best (easily letting go of so called 'friends' from my life who weren't worthy of my friendship and so on), and Im glad I went through everything I did because at the other end of it, I finally saw myself for my true worth.

But now it's affecting my life in a negative way. My current partner is the most honest, open, kind and loving guy I have ever had enter my life. Up to now, he has given me no reason whatsoever not to trust him. I have been so strict, especially with men since my childs father, that I have dropped them without a problem if they didnt live up to my (extremely high!) standards. I know I have a good one with my current guy, as the hard faced no ******** me would have cut him from my life sooner if I detected even a sniff of deception.

But yet, 18 months down the line I can honestly not say that I trust him, or anyone else in my life for that matter, however grateful I am to have such loving people in my life.

The past week, me and said boyfriend had a little bit of a bedroom issue, where I felt he wasnt opening up to me about this needs as i felt he should be. He acknowledged I was upset, stayed up and listened to me, and even tried the resolve the issue. Even though he handled it in the best way possible, my anxiety and bitterness towards him for not bringing it things like that out in the open has somehow pushed my trust issues further, even though its something relatively small. I'm freaking out and starting to see him in a negative way, even though he hasnt done anything to intentionally hurt me.

I dont know where to start, and I feel so silly for posting. But all this negativity towards the people in my life has started to become a major issue I cant even seem to overcome. Has anyone elses experiences made them the same? Or has anyone actually learnt to deal with their inner critic and push through it?

[Bill3]

I am wondering if you would be willing to say more about the inner critic and her/his connection with trust issues.

X-BabyG-X, trust is a hard thing when we felt like we have been betrayed. I hope this helps but i learned not to have any expectations of people and just accept them as they are and that allievates any anxiety that i place on unmet expectations. I hope that helps and i hope things work out better for you. There is nothing silly about this feeling and how to deal with or overcome it. Thank you so much for posting this because many of us deal with trust issues. (((hugs))) blessings

Perhaps I should not answer to your post, because I think I'm the most untrusting person in the planet. To the point I'm risking becoming a "ruminating misanthrope", or something like that.

But maybe I can offer you this: people who betrayed me in the past, they belong to my past. It still hurts and I just can't let it go, but I try not to shift the distrust I feel for the ones who done me wrong onto people who didn't.

Also, I have learned not to expect too much from people, in the first place. The more chips you put into play, the more you risk to lose. We're all human and we're all gonna let someone down at some point.

[healingme4me]

How did not opening up about needs/desires translate into the notion of trust?

Granted trust is earned, not an automatic given.

I don't trust immediately and proceed with caution to begin with. Because of trust issues due to childhood. Breaches of trust are hard to repair.

For me, to breach trust is about crossing a boundary/going over the line. Not because of a disappointment, but because something more serious. Actions are the only way back.

Have no idea if maybe I'm just rambling, it's late at night. I'll check back in the morning.

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[yagr]

I'm sure you have heard the saying that trust has to be earned. While this is true, it is so in an very anti-intuitive way. You earn the ability to trust another by gambling your vulnerability with them. You use all the wisdom that you've acquired thus far in life to rule out the more obvious folks and then you risk trusting someone. If they don't violate that trust, then your trust in them grows a little and the next time you trust them, the risk that they will violate your trust is a little bit less.

When the day comes that you risk trusting that person without realizing that you're risking anything at all, then the trust has been earned. But make no mistake, they didn't earn it - you did.