[rainbow8]

I usually post in the psychotherapy forum, but this time it doesn't fit there. I am very hurt because my grandchildren prefer the other grandparents. Not just one grandma, but both of them get the kids' love while I get rejected. Both of my children's kids have grandmas who are more bubbly than I am. I've done my best to show them my love and attention, but they continually run to the other grandmas.

I have to radically accept that there's nothing I can do. I can't compete with them, and I can't force my grandchildren to want to be with me. They are kids and they go to whom they want. It hurts me a lot because it triggers rejection I used to feel in my own childhood. Never did I think my grandchildren would act like this. I love them no matter what, but when they "get stuck with me" and are upset that the other grandma isn't there, or when we are together, and I'm left out, I feel really, really bad. This happened just now, so I thought I'd write it down. I've talked about it in therapy, and my therapist keeps telling me that my grandhchildren will love me for the wonderful qualities I have, but it seems like that's not happening.

Has anyone been in this position and how did you deal with it?

[rainbow8]

Even if you don't have kids or grandkids, does anyone have any advice? I thought kids love their grandparents unconditionally--naive I know. My only grandma that I knew died when I was 6. She didn't talk much English so maybe I didn't have much of a relationship with her either.

I play with my own grandchildren, give them attention, and do all nice things for them but for kids of both families to gravitate toward the other grandma makes me think I'm defective. It reminds me of being rejected by other kids when I was little. I'm not "good enough" for my own grandchildren to want to be with me.

[here today]

I have grandchildren and currently my daughter is not communicating with me at all. Before that happened, I was seriously depressed and anxious and had other problems which I was trying to get help for but not succeeding very well. I tried to be a “good mother” and “good grandmother” by following ideas I had about what I should do, knowing that some spontaneity and being real would be important for me to have a real relationship with the grandchildren, but all I had that was “real” was negativity, so that wouldn’t have worked well either.

I’m better now but not ready to try to contact my daughter about that. I’m not strong enough right now to tolerate more rejection, but I do expect to gain that with a little more time. If/when I feel that I can tolerate rejection, if it comes, then I think I can be a real person again with my daughter and, for the first time, with my grandchildren. If they gravitate toward the other grandparents then, oh well. I’m the only maternal grandmother that they have, so I’ll try to be available if they want me in their lives. Actually, I had been trying to do that already, but with the negativity and mental illness, there wasn’t much positive there for them.

And with the current “fad” of cutting negative people out of your life, even if they are your parents. . . Well, my daughter has the right, based on the best she knows how to do, to be “wrong”, too.

How is your relationship with your children? Have your difficulties strained your relationships with them? The grandchildren could be picking up on their parents’ attitudes, even if they don’t talk about it. Also, it doesn’t sound to me like your therapist is helping you much in dealing with the current feelings of being rejected by your grandchildren, even if that is rooted in your own childhood. You’re having those feelings here and now, and, based on my experience, when I was feeling anxious about being rejected, my anxiety made me less of a person for others to enjoy being around, and hence increased the likelihood of being rejected.

[winter4me]

All you can do is love them, and hang in there----well, if you have a relationship with the other grandparents, you might want to strengthen that relationship if you can..
You don't say how old your grandchildren are, but relationships change as children grow.
It is possible that they sense your anxiety about wanting to be loved etc---and it may make them uncomfortable in a way that they don't understand, and you may try too hard for them. Maybe just letting them be a bit, take their cues re: what to do with/for them; and most of all, do what is good for you so that you can feel good about yourself and let that feeling come from you...
like here today, I know that my own anxiety can interfere with the comfort level of others around me. I hate that but it is so, sometimes just acknowledging my own anxiety is enough to relieve things a bit...a way to say "it's not you...and I do see it..."

[H3rmit]

Bubbly? Sounds like the other gps and the children are both more outgoing than you, and I find such people often do not see or gravitate to people who are less so. It's not about your adequacy; it's just social stratification. I can see it would be painful.

I don't have any experience of your situation specifically, though. I have no kids, nor did I ever know any of my grandparents, for geographic reasons.

[Webgoji]

My grandchildren like the others grandparents more than they like us. Really it comes down to two simple things:

1. Their other grandparents buy them all kinds of stuff we can't afford.
2. They can get away with anything with the other grandparents.

Personally, it doesn't bother me. I've been a step parent for over 13 years and I'm accustomed to being considered the worst person on the planet. But when it comes right down to it, my daughter (step-daughter) would rather bring her kids over to us because she and her husband know that we will respect their wishes as far as gifts and discipline go. We give the grandkids more what they need (to the best of our knowledge and ability) as opposed to what they want and we're fine with that.

[jadzea]

Every single granparent has something different to offer the grandchildren. Your grandchildren's needs and preferences will chage as they grow and mature. Right now they need what the other granmother has. In the future they may need what you have. I know it hurts to see them run to someone else but keep letting them know you love them and treat them the way that makes you comfortable. In time they will come to appreciate you and value you as much or more than their other grandmother.

How do your children (their parents) react to you?

[healingme4me]

It's really up to your child and their spouse, to foster an appreciation and respect for you, as a grandparent.

How old, are your grandkids?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by here today

I have grandchildren and currently my daughter is not communicating with me at all. Before that happened, I was seriously depressed and anxious and had other problems which I was trying to get help for but not succeeding very well. I tried to be a “good mother” and “good grandmother” by following ideas I had about what I should do, knowing that some spontaneity and being real would be important for me to have a real relationship with the grandchildren, but all I had that was “real” was negativity, so that wouldn’t have worked well either.

I’m better now but not ready to try to contact my daughter about that. I’m not strong enough right now to tolerate more rejection, but I do expect to gain that with a little more time. If/when I feel that I can tolerate rejection, if it comes, then I think I can be a real person again with my daughter and, for the first time, with my grandchildren. If they gravitate toward the other grandparents then, oh well. I’m the only maternal grandmother that they have, so I’ll try to be available if they want me in their lives. Actually, I had been trying to do that already, but with the negativity and mental illness, there wasn’t much positive there for them.

And with the current “fad” of cutting negative people out of your life, even if they are your parents. . . Well, my daughter has the right, based on the best she knows how to do, to be “wrong”, too.

How is your relationship with your children? Have your difficulties strained your relationships with them? The grandchildren could be picking up on their parents’ attitudes, even if they don’t talk about it. Also, it doesn’t sound to me like your therapist is helping you much in dealing with the current feelings of being rejected by your grandchildren, even if that is rooted in your own childhood. You’re having those feelings here and now, and, based on my experience, when I was feeling anxious about being rejected, my anxiety made me less of a person for others to enjoy being around, and hence increased the likelihood of being rejected.

Thanks for replying, heretoday. I'm sorry you're not communicating with your daughter. I hope things change for you! My daughters and I get along pretty well, and they realize that I'm hurt by the way their kids react to me. I don't think I have strained relationships with them, though I know they don't like when I criticize anything about the way they're living. I try not to, but I do tend to be critical. It's hard to accept they have their own families, and do things different from the way my H and I do things. The grandkids don't totally reject me; it's just that they prefer the other grandmas. My T has made some suggestions to try to help me.

Originally Posted by winter4me

All you can do is love them, and hang in there----well, if you have a relationship with the other grandparents, you might want to strengthen that relationship if you can..
You don't say how old your grandchildren are, but relationships change as children grow.
It is possible that they sense your anxiety about wanting to be loved etc---and it may make them uncomfortable in a way that they don't understand, and you may try too hard for them. Maybe just letting them be a bit, take their cues re: what to do with/for them; and most of all, do what is good for you so that you can feel good about yourself and let that feeling come from you...
like here today, I know that my own anxiety can interfere with the comfort level of others around me. I hate that but it is so, sometimes just acknowledging my own anxiety is enough to relieve things a bit...a way to say "it's not you...and I do see it..."

I am quite anxious in general, about not feeling left out, so that's a good point you and here today are making. I tried to just accept the situation more this time, and did have some good times with the kids. Thanks for the advice!

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Bubbly? Sounds like the other gps and the children are both more outgoing than you, and I find such people often do not see or gravitate to people who are less so. It's not about your adequacy; it's just social stratification. I can see it would be painful.

I don't have any experience of your situation specifically, though. I have no kids, nor did I ever know any of my grandparents, for geographic reasons.

Yes, the other grandmas are both more outgoing than I am, but I can have fun with the kids too! I see your point. Kids are kids, and they just want to be entertained. I love to read stories to them, and play games, but I can't do that all of the time at their level.

Originally Posted by Webgoji

My grandchildren like the others grandparents more than they like us. Really it comes down to two simple things:

1. Their other grandparents buy them all kinds of stuff we can't afford.
2. They can get away with anything with the other grandparents.

Personally, it doesn't bother me. I've been a step parent for over 13 years and I'm accustomed to being considered the worst person on the planet. But when it comes right down to it, my daughter (step-daughter) would rather bring her kids over to us because she and her husband know that we will respect their wishes as far as gifts and discipline go. We give the grandkids more what they need (to the best of our knowledge and ability) as opposed to what they want and we're fine with that.

Thanks for your input. I try to buy the kids presents they'll like, and discovered that dollar store things are just as good as the expensive stuff! I'm glad you're satisfied with the relationship you have with your grandchildren.

Originally Posted by jadzea

Every single granparent has something different to offer the grandchildren. Your grandchildren's needs and preferences will chage as they grow and mature. Right now they need what the other granmother has. In the future they may need what you have. I know it hurts to see them run to someone else but keep letting them know you love them and treat them the way that makes you comfortable. In time they will come to appreciate you and value you as much or more than their other grandmother.

How do your children (their parents) react to you?

Thanks! You sound exactly like my T! My daughters and I get along okay.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

It's really up to your child and their spouse, to foster an appreciation and respect for you, as a grandparent.

How old, are your grandkids?

It's not that my grandchildren don't respect and appreciate me, but they choose the other grandma when we're together. We're not together that much, in one family, but in the other one we are. The kids range in age from infancy to age 10. I have a better relationship with the 10 year old, I think, and one of the babies who is used to baby-sitters. Another baby won't let my H or I near him; he's very attached to Mommy, but also to the other grandma.

[Grey Matter]

I am not a parent or anything, but I do prefer one grandparent over my other grandparent. That being said, I was endlessly abused by the one I distance myself from, which is clearly not the case for you at all.

Before the abuse took place, my grandmother (on my dads side) would try and buy us love. Which, with three children who grew up appreciating what they already had and time spent together was rather intimidating. I didn't like it. But she felt it was what she needed to do to make us love her more. And that wasn't true. My grandma (my moms side) never spoiled us. She loved us unconditionally and was endlessly supportive. And while I wavered between my own emotions for years, I, as a child, never mentally went "I love this one more than that one" the relationships were just different. And different is okay. Also, children aren't going to prefer just yet, their minds are still developing. And in their own little worlds, they tend to stay attached to who they're used to (like you said, the baby is attached to his mother).

I feel like a lot of tensions are formed this way. At least in my family they started like this. Children are finicky and fussy, and they need time to grow and discover and form their own unique connections with family members.

[winter4me]

Hang in there! And Teen Idle makes an Excellent point. What we think kids think/feel often turns out to be a projection of our own feelings that are alien to the kids.

[RomanSunburn]

When I was kid, I was absolutely terrified of my mom's dad. His wife died three years before I was born and he had trouble coping for a very long time. He was just very gruff. I was even terrified of his cat. She was a swatter and hisser. But he did remarry, and as I grew up, I really grew to love them both, very much. Some of my favorite memories are of visiting them. I do have to admit, his wife had her own children and her own grandchildren, and it was definitely clear she preferred her own, but I don't hold that against her (at least, not anymore).

My dad's mother, well... She understood me. We were very close. Pen pals for years. When all my cousins were attacking me because I was missing class (because I was anxious and depressed, and they didn't know), she just simply said, "They don't know what's going on, so don't let what they say bother you." That has always stuck with me.

So, when I was a kid, I clearly preferred my dad's mom over my mom's dad. But as I grew up, I loved them equally and enjoyed spending time with both of them. My relationship with each of them was very different, but they both greatly enriched my life. I think it'll just take some time and maturity on the kids part. They're still trying to figure out those crazy, illogical things called emotions.

[scorpiosis37]

In my experience (as a grandchild), kids want unconditional love, warmth, and acceptance from the adults in their life. In my case, one grandma always welcomed me with open arms, listened to me, asked me questions about my life, was patient with me, and always showed a genuine interest in my thoughts and feelings. She loved me for who I was, and gave that love freely, without demanding it or asking anything in return. I also noticed the way she treated my dad (her son) and the way she was proud, supportive, and loving towards him. I never heard her criticize or say negative things about anyone. Whenever I was critical of someone else, she sat me down and explained why it's "not nice" to be critical of others, and asked me: "how would you like it if someone was critical of you?" She taught me a lot of valuable lessons, while never making me feel like I was "wrong" or making me feel "guilty" for making a mistake. She approached everything from a place of love and generosity. She also let me be the child. She took care of me, put my feelings first, and followed my lead when it came to our relationship. She made me feel safe and secure. As I got older, things became more equal but, when I was a young child, she made me feel like I was "special" and gave me that extra attention.

My other grandma, on the other hand, was very anxious, critical, and self-absorbed. She was clearly distant from my mother (her daughter) and father, and it made her vey stand-offish with us as well. She clearly felt awkward and uncomfortable, and it made us feel insecure around her. I also saw her criticize my mom (and others) and, even though it was not directed at me, it bothered me. I didn't like to hear the way she criticized people, and it made me fear that she would start criticizing me (which she did, when I reached about age 12). She thought everything should be done "her way" and it made me not want to tell her things or express my own opinions to her, lest she tell me I was "wrong." After all, she seemed to have an opinion about everything. There was always a "right way" and a "wrong way." She also talked mostly about herself, her feelings, her hobbies, and the things that interested her. She had very little patience for listening to me, my interests, or my feelings. It was clear that she wanted me to give her attention and make her feel good about herself, but she didn't do that for me. When we visited her, she did the perfunctory things-- make dinner, clean up, drive me-- but she complained about how much work it was, how tired she was, etc. It made me feel guilty, like I was an inconvenience. She also got upset if I (as a young child) didn't recognize all of the things she was doing, and repay those tasks with love/attention. I always felt uncomfortable around her, because it never felt as though she loved ME or wanted to get to know ME or listen to ME. It was about her-- she had the mentality of: "you are my grandchild, you are supposed to adore me!" If I didn't, then it was "my fault" or I was "wrong." Had she stopped making everything about her and simply taken an interest in ME, I may have developed a relationship with her. Alas, I never did.

[Howler]

I have the same issue. It is very hurtful and has caused me sleepless nights. My grandkids are with their maternal grandma a lot. She babysits them 3 times a week and sees them even more than that. Grandpa and I spend half of each month doing maintenance on our mountain vacation rental. The rest of the time we are local. We are all together fairly often, birthdays, holidays. I find I don't even try to compete. When we are all together my daughter-in-law, whom I have a close relationship with, will snap pictures of her parents and siblings with the kids. I have to ask her to take our picture. I feel like subliminally, but not intentionally, she is sending a message to the children that her parents are more important. I have attempted to tactfully mention that we would like to be in more family pictures. The girls look over the pictures and it looks like we weren't even there. So sad. We are really fun, outgoing people and it seems like such a loss. By the age of 5, 3 of my 4 grandparents had died. They have two sets of loving grandparents! Christmas morning my oldest Grand daughter, 7, says to me, "Why did you have to get here first?" It felt like the ultimate rejection.

I just sent them a post card from our vacation home telling what we are up to and that I love them very much. They haven't received it yet. Not sure if I should have a one-on-one with my daughter-in-law.

Distressed Grandma