[undividedme]

I hope someone can help me. I'm twice divorced and a survivor of child abuse. Both of my marriages were abusive. Yep, I've done the counseling and all that and feel like I've worked out a lot of my issues. But I've been in a pretty solid relationship for a year and 1/2 and there is something holding me back and I don't know how to work through it.

Marriage is really important to my BF and he will mention something about "when we get married" once in a while. Marriage sort of terrifies me now and I'm not sure I ever want to get married again. My BF is great and supportive and lovely to me...but the thought of wearing a ring, changing my name, devoting myself in that way makes me feels panicked and not good.
My BF has a wonderful family too. The holidays are coming up and we are planning to go visit. The thought of getting cozy in a familial role makes me very uncomfortable. I know it's because of my past. I am not close to my family by choice and have always had only myself to rely on. Just the concept of being part of a family unit makes me squirm. It feels unnatural.


I love my BF and we've done a lot of work together to understand each other. He is very kind and patient with me and a really wonderful guy. If there ever were a man to marry, he would be it. I would be happy just living together for a few more years but he has more traditional values and needs to get married or at least have that verbal commitment in the next year. I'm so not ready and don't know when/if I will ever be.


How do I get through this? Some days I feel so despondent that my exes broke my ability to truly trust. The whole marriage/family thing just gives me the willies. Like I actually feel sick to my stomach. To anyone who has been in a similar situation, did your anxiety ease with time? Or is this a huge sign that I'm simply not ready and should be on my own? I love my BF and life would be so empty without him...but if I can't give him what he wants I know I need to move on. Thanks for your help.

[curley]

Hi Undivide, Well, You say you have been through counseling and worked out your issues, but seriously reading your post I am thinking you have a few to work out.
Even if you do not want to or are afraid of getting married again, dont you think it would help your relationship with your BF if you could work on at least feeling comfortable in a family setting?
Obviously you still have trust issues, so if you really love your BF and do not want to eventually lose him over this then I would seek your counselors help again.
I do not think you want to be alone because of your past so work on your future.

[healingme4me]

Are you, and is your bf, open to the idea of your going back to counseling, to work through this?

Even, when we feel, we've resolved things, from our pasts and previous relationships, there's sometimes, underlying aspects that we weren't aware of previously. It can, take, much longer, than originally anticipated, when there was childhood abuse, then abuse in marriage(s).

You mention your bf here, as though, he's certainly a good guy, worthy of marriage. Yet, I wonder what it is, about family time, with his family, that gives you the willies? Have you, met them before?

I can appreciate hesitancy, with the idea/concept of marriage, post-divorce. Would marrying you, be your BF's first time, marrying? Sounds like an ultimatum.