How to come to terms with my sister having an open marriage

Yesterday my sister got married to the man that she has been with for 7 years, though they are fairly young: only 23. She is my older sister, and I've always looked up to her and have felt great pride in their relationship; my dad is emotionally abusive to my mother, so it gave me hope that I could develop a healthy relationship too despite my upbringing.

During the wedding, I danced with and ended up kissing one of the groomsmen, the husband's best friend. My sister got upset, and she told me it was because she used to like him and it felt like incest. I said I would avoid him the rest of the night, not really understanding what she meant. Her husband told me she had been fearing that this groomsman would hit on me and that she had done "stuff" with him before. When I said "before you got together?" her husband told me an ugly secret, and my sister doesn't know that I know.

Apparently they have had an open relationship for years now. She is now so furious with the groomsman for making a move on me, that she will never do anything with him again, according to her husband (obviously she has feelings for him... how can she feel okay about this on her wedding day?). I feel absolutely SICK. This has come as an incredible shock. I really don't know how to come to terms with this. I thought for sure their marriage would last forever. Now I wonder why in the world they even bothered to get married if they aren't going to be committed to each other fully. My sister has always been my best friend, but now I'm not sure I want to be anymore. This incident is of course still fresh- it's only been one day. I can't help crying when I think about it. I just sent her off with a Maid of Honor speech about how much I believed in the two of them. Now I'm just pissed at both of them. I feel betrayed, fooled, naive, disappointed, and angry. How could she? And how could he? I thought my sister had morals. I don't know if I can respect her now, and this is a BIG deal for me to be saying this. I've always held the highest opinion of her, and am blindsided by this information.

I am sure it was a very huge shock .. I can see your pain and disappointment. You are sisters but its not uncommon to have drastically different thoughts views and " morals" regarding lifestyle.

There are so many types of relationships now .. If your sister and her husband both agreed that an open marriage is for them .. then you just have to allow them to conduct there lives as they wish. There marriage may last there lifetime who knows .

You are not your sister .. you have every chance in the world to find love and a wonderful marriage that will work for you.

Be kind to yourself

It's true, I guess we just have different ideas about marriage. It hurts because I thought we were always so similar. People sometimes call us twins, and I've always felt like she was the only one that understood me. And now I don't even know this person. I've seen her slowly change over the years, but I don't know how to write off something this big. I feel like my sister was probably brainwashed (for lack of a better word) into this; she becomes the person that she is in a relationship with. Maybe her husband slowly talked her into it. I have no idea. I wish I didn't know this about them. I guess I just have to let her live her life though.

I don't see the problem with an open marriage, really. I have friends who are married (three sets) and the healthiest marriage I witness is the one that is open. Because being in an open marriage requires trust, love, and understanding. Where as a lot of my other newly married friends are adjusting to a life where it is monogamous.

I think it is perfectly fine to be upset by the nature of her reaction. You didn't intend to do any harm at all, so of course getting that reaction from your sister would be a big shock and truly upsetting.

That being said; open marriages are more common than one thinks. If I am being honest and frank, and I do apologize, I think you're internalizing her reaction to you which was truly cold and horrid of her, and you're placing that anger and resentment against her own personal choices to rationalize the upset and hurt. Which I think a lot of us would do in this situation.

You can still be best friends. She is still your sister. And take it from someone who lost their sibling when they were only 22, don't let something like this ruin something that can be so strong and important.

Open marriages, do exist. I guess, the real issue, I see, is the fact, that by not being honest with you, in the first place, your sister is now angry at you, for meeting someone you like and being with them. Not fair!

Your new BIL has kind of a big mouth, imo. I would be wary of both him and the best man. I hope your sister knows what she got herself into. You might have to be there for her when she tries to get out.

Let me get this str8, your sister is in a open marriage but got upset because you danced with and ended up kissing one of the groomsmen? Am I the only one that see's something wrong with that picture?

As for the open marriage goes, it's certainly not for everyone. I would never agree to one, but what ever floats your boat. Sounds like your sister may not be as open as she thought she was tho

Yes, she's upset because she has formerly kissed this same groomsman. From the way my brother in law put it, it was a fairly recent thing and she has done it more than once. Because when he told me, he phrased it like "she's so mad, she will never do stuff with him again."

What did you mean about my sister not being as open as she thought she was?

Haha, yeah I guess I would say he does. He has told me unflattering things about my sister before. Obviously my sister didn't want me to know that (I wish I didn't!)- she knows me better than he does, so she should have the right for him not to say anything. Maybe he just feels really close to me and like he can tell me that sort of thing. What if that's a red flag that he doesn't respect her, or that he will go against her wishes? I'm worried.

Yeah, I had absolutely no idea. I wouldn't have gone for him if I knew she had done stuff with him before. There is an ick factor to that. I feel caught up in the middle of this weird situation when I shouldn't have been.

I do think that I need to work on not being judgmental about this. I obviously don't know what her relationship is like. I don't know all the details, so I can't fully judge the morality of it. The shock has worn off a bit now that it's been 2 days, though my initial reaction is still to not understand these kind of relationships. You're definitely right that I shouldn't throw away the relationship with my sister because of this (and I'm sorry to hear about your sibling). This may sound judgmental of me, but perhaps this open marriage is evidence that she needs me more than ever.

I don't feel, it sounds, judgmental of you. With what you've expressed about what your BIL said, and combined with your inner gut feeling, (hey, you've grown up with this woman, your sis), yes, I agree, with the idea, of just being there for her, when and if, she ever really needs your shoulder to lean on.