Toxic relationship

Hi I am writing in a forum for the first time. The reason I am here is to find answers to some questions I have and hopefully that will help me to a better and healthier future. I am in a very toxic relationship and I don’t know how to get out.
I find myself in a very complicated situation, I am in an almost two year relationship with my boyfriend. In the second year of us being together I realized that he has a serious drinking problem, he had it all along its just I did not know about it or was not so apparent to me. When we started to leave together is when I realized that this was going on.

I have dealt with a lot during these two years. His ex-wife, he has used me to hurt his ex-wife’s feelings and the opposite he has used her to hurt me, he has called his ex to even get advice on some problems we have had in our relationship, his two year old daughter, lies, stealing from me, deception, not being able to keep a job, I am the soul provider and pay all the bills. His emotional and verbal abuse, at times I have had to leave my own apartment because I was afraid of him, his violence is getting worse.

Just recently his ex-wife had contacted me and told me that he had send her inappropriate text messages, complimenting her on how good she looked, and her boyfriend was an idiot for letting her go. He had said other things to her that I will hold off sharing because of the content of them. When I heard that I was really hurt. I know of other instances that he had looked her up on google and found pictures of her on FB, send her text messages pretending as he is sending them to family member telling them how happy he was with me, and then apologize to her as ohh sorry send the message to the wrong person.

I feel like I am in such a fog of emotions and I can’t get out …. I am hurt and very tired.
Of course he is not owning up to some of the things that had happened. The text he had send her it was not a sexual harassment he was just trying to be nice to her since he was behind on child support. He has also looked her up on the internet, and found pictures of her by the pool and us accidentally showing up to her apartment complex at the pool the following weekend, where she was with her daughter. He is swearing that was a coincidence and he had no idea she leaved there. I was just wondering why we stopped there in a first place. We were not looking for a new apartment we were on the way home from a lunch date.
I have a feeling that he is still hung up on his ex-wife, and I am starting to not believe anything he tells me any more … all the little sweet nothings like ohhh you are the love of my life, I tattooed your name on my chest and we are going to be together forever, I have never loved anyone like you.

I am kind of thinking if I had it made like he does I would not go anywhere ether.
Please share your thoughts on this situation
Sincerely,
D

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's not a sweet nothing. That's a sign you need to run a mile from this man.

Sorry to hear about this bad situation you're in. I guess my thoughts would be that you might want to discuss your situation and intentions to a friend or family member who will support you. It's not easy to go through these things alone and you shouldn't have to.

Thank you for sharing that with me and I did not take it as harsh ... it is a reality. Thank you again. sometimes I feel that way I should have ran the other way when I meet him.

It is really not easy, I thought I had problems before in my life! but now I will never say that again! I have never experienced anything like this ever. I have no family here and very few friends. I never know that people like this even existed,only in moves.

I am working on own well being and healing right now and on a plan that will lead me out of this situation. I hope it will come soon.
Thank you for your thoughts I appreciate it very much
D

I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts and taking the time to read my post.
I know I need a lot of support right now and the sad deal is I am doing this all alone ... my family is not here and I have few friends that by now they are so frustrated with me that I don't even bring this issue up at all.
I feel so stuck sometimes and just so hopeless .

Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this. He doesn't sound like a nice man or that he has respect for you or your relationship. If he doesn't give you what you're putting in & makes you feel less than a lady, maybe you should consider leaving him. Love doesn't hurt. My situation is kind of like yours & it doesn't feel good to be unappreciated. You want someone who will love you for you, not a man who will use you.

"I am kind of thinking if I had it made like he does I would not go anywhere ether."

First thing is that I agree with Oldlife. Find someone you trust to confide in. Get some safety net around you - people that know of the life behind closed doors that happens.

Then work out how to get out. He is not hung up on his ex so much as he's a guy that wants his cake and wants to eat it too. I mean he is playing a game, likes to feed the "sweet nothings" to ladies and have them see him as mr. wonderful or something. I am 90% sure he's someone that, if he hasn't already, will cheat on you in the future. He clearly is not the devoted bf that you deserve to have.

You're not stuck and trapped. It only feels like it. Get those trusted friends around you if you're truly afraid, but get out. Run and don't look back this guy is worthless.

Don't quite know, where you are from, but where I am, being behind on child support, can land a person in jail.

You don't know how to get out physically, or is it emotionally? Most times, I find, leaving an abuser behind is tough on the victim, because victims tend to take pity on their abuser. ((that's usually what gets victims into these messes, in the first place.))

You are not legally bound to him. Do you know how to change your locks?
That would be my first piece of advice. Have you ever contacted a hotline, to learn how to make a safety plan. Once these abusers, turn physical, it's destined to remain that way.

Thing is, they strike once. Then it stops, then it could be months or within the year, but it happens again. It's usually, within the year, not longer.

He can't hold a job, has you paying all the bills, and he's still flirty with the ex wife and obviously displaying stalker mentality. That's a dangerous situation to be in.

Is he, really, what you want?! Is this, really what you want?

Time, to start taking back your life. You can internet search and find videos on how to change a lock, if you don't know how. Gosh, I could teach you, with one hand behind my back...had to do, that once.

you deserve so much better!!!

Leave. Find a way. You won't be able to sort this out without support (a t, a group, a friend---maybe on of those who is frustrated with you would be helpful if you made the decision to move on) and he is Not going to change. And you are not going to feel any better about him or yourself. People like this do exist. And, before you get involved again, it is important to figure out what attracted you to someone like this to begin with so that you avoid repeating...

Like everybody else is saying; LEAVE HIM!

He is using you and those sweet things are him buttering you up to believe he is special. It's a sign of him wanting approval from you.

Hun, short and to the point. L.O.S.E.R!
I am a man who is out looking for a new relationship. I read this and it annoys the heck out of me.
Please take the advice of others and get out of this situation. It's NOT a relationship! Relationships are where BOTH people are interested in ONLY EACH OTHER.
If he is hung up in his ex, turn his sorry butt loose and let HER deal with him!
Go get yourself a real man who will take care of you and ONLY you.
Best of luck...I know it hurts! Dealing with it now and taking my own advice so I can relate.

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