[bpdmme]

I have been married for 10 years and this year my husband came out and told me he was sexually attracted to a close friend of mine. We were planning on co-housing with her (we live in a very congested city) and he wanted to tell me before we made any further moves. I was very upset but tried not to let myself get angry. I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, and have signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. This event prompted me to have panic attacks mostly because the whole co-housing idea was his, and I felt betrayed. We have been trying to work everything out because I accept the fact that attraction and fantasy are human nature. My husband began having issues with erectile dysfunction shortly before this and blamed his behavior on this. He has been sick and has been taking lots of medicine so the issue continues although it is improving. Since this my husband constantly fantasizes about me having sex with other men, us having a threesome, him having a "freebie," etc. Normal sex is not an option anymore, at least in the short-term. We have been talking more openly about people we are attracted to and fantasies but he tells me that sometimes he regrets me being his only lover (we met in high school). All of this is so emotional for me and am having a hard time dealing with it. He loves me but when I tell him I am uncomfortable with threesomes or freebies he gets quiet. He just wants me to approve all this and be okay. I have expressed how uncomfortable I am about opening our relationship but when we start having sex he brings up wishing he could see me in a porn. I want out of this situation but we have two kids and I am not financially independent. I don't know what to do anymore and am wondering if I am over-reacting. In addition, I don't trust my friend anymore for certain reasons. I want to stop being friend with her, but since she is going through a messy divorce, I have not been able to. Also our kids are friends. So I guess I need advice on my situation with her too. Feeling very self-conscious, partially disgusted, and tired of thinking about it.

[healingme4me]

What he's doing, is considered coercion and manipulation. As far, as I have ever known, clinical depression and BPD, don't usually co-exist. I've heard it like that before, but I don't feel those two are co-morbid diagnosis,(could be wrong, not being a professional), but even if you do have the rejection trigger of bpd, I feel, even someone without BPD, would question themselves, in your situation.

Of course, it's tougher to want your friend to co-house with you.

Open relationships, require mutual consent. And I have read, here, on PC, people saying, that those that they know that are in these types of relationships, it's because there is much trust and honesty, etc.

Freebies, because he has a medical E.Dysfunction?

He could have considered the long term effect of not having had previous partners, before committing himself to you, honoring himself to you in a marriage, that I imagine, you meant to be monogamous, from the beginning?

[H3rmit]

Your interests have diverged, it seems. You want out, you said. Your problem now is how to get out comfortably enough, I suppose. It will likely be difficult. I don't think you're overreacting - your sexual interests have simply diverged. And sex seems more important to him than the relationship, ie you two. To me this underscores the need to get out, since evidently you can't resolve this with him. (IE you felt the need to discuss it here rather than solely with him.)

[IndieVisible]

This whole sex thing is so over rated. We claim to be advanced and superior to animals, yet can get down in to the dirt as any animal can. I like to think I'm better then that.

Don't let any one talk you in to doing any thing you don't want to!

[PennyHaven]

I would go with your gut on this one. If you are not ok with it, you will only be able to talk yourself into being ok with it for a short time.

[winter4me]

You could try marriage counseling, if he will, since you are talking about the issues but not on even ground. Do not do the co-housing, you are not comfortable with it and it would be very destructive. This may or may not be resolvable. Hope it works out the best it can for you.

[EmilysZoo]

Your post has brought up many thoughts for me. First, I see one positive--your husband actually told you about his fantasies. He did not go behind your back to live out any of his sexual hopes.

The big downside is that obviously you are not on the same page, and that's where you have problems. I don't fully understand what you mean by "normal sex is not an option anymore." Is this because of his ED or because he only wants to act out his fantasies? I agree with another's comments that an open relationship probably only works when both parties agree to it; not when one convinces/forces the other to give it a try.

Do you think your husband's ED is making him think he can only 'perform' if he's in a new/exciting/taboo situation? My husband has ED and I know it affects how he thinks about sex. We're working on it.

Also, I do have wacky/erotic sex fantasies about all sorts of things. I think this is normal and mostly I think I would chicken out if ever put in a real life position to play out some of them. Maybe your husband thinks he wants some kink, but in reality, it wouldn't work out. For me, if my husband did not want to try any of it, then it would certainly stay as a fantasy.

As for your husband wishing he had more lovers before you, well, I think that is normal too. It doesn't mean he should act upon it, but maybe the two of you can figure out what he thinks he's missed and you can work on that together. Are you willing to try new things that don't involve outside people?

I am not trying to ignore the emotional toll this is taking on you. I'm just thinking more in practical terms. If he becomes pushy/emotionally abusive, that is a definite no. However, have you thought about marriage and/or sex therapy? It sounds like this would be the way to go so your opinions can be heard and understood.

I hope you can figure out how to move forward in a way that protects your own emotional health.