[FrayedEnds]

I'm struggling with whether or not I should tell my hubs that a friend of his "hit on me". Neither of us are jealous of that sort of thing if it were done by a stranger, (I wouldn't even bother mentioning it to him) but this situation has me second guessing myself for several reasons.

Obviously, you would think at the very least it would make this friendship of his questionable - right? I mean, who wouldn't want to know if a friend of theirs was willing to betray them?!

but here's where it gets messy...
2 years ago a (different)friend of his was having problems with his wife. It's a super-long story, so I'll cut to the important details. This wife became enraged *at me* when I wouldn't gang up with her about a bachelor party both our hubs were involved in. Because I wasn't flipping out about the evenings entertainment like she was, she decided to gossip about my marriage to anybody who'd listen. She got incredibly involved with her lies right down to claiming we were swingers. At first I was outraged about it (I've been with my hubs for 20 yrs, 100% monogamous), but since she was mainly telling our mutual friends this crap, I was able to (mostly) brush it off. Most often we'd all have a good giggle about it because everyone knew that 1 -she had problems and 2 -I'm WAY too introverted for that to be believable.

Since then it has become a common inside joke when we all get together. She's now his ex-wife, in another state and totally out of the picture.

sooo...back to the point - This guy was not around when all that drama went on but apparently heard some stories anyway. He's not a creeper type at all, was totally respectful with how he propositioned me and was *almost* as embarassed as I was about it. He asked me if I was planning on letting my hubs know and even volunteered to tell him himself. We both agreed to think about it for a day or two.

What would you do? I tend to overthink, I'm a huge what-iffer, I guilt trip myself and make things into bigger deals than I should. since I may not tell my hubs, I certainly can't talk about it to anyone else - except here, anonymously

I can't predict how my hubs will react...
if I tell him, worst case scenario is he shuns the guy. It's a pretty new friendship but they have lots in common, he has improved him creatively (they're both musicians) and has definitely been a positive in his life. I'd feel guilty if he ends the friendship. best case scenario is he laughs it off

if I don't tell him, worst case scenario is I beat myself up, feel like a fraud and a liar and/or the guy tells him and then I look bad for hiding it.
best case scenario is I forget all about it and never think of it again

If those swinging rumors weren't floating around and a friend of my hubs put the moves on me, I'd tell my hubs immediately!

so...are the circumstances extenuating enough to change my response?

[tinyrabbit]

I have a different question. Why wouldn't you tell your husband? Why are you making yourself responsible for things that are outside your control? If he ends a friendship because of someone else's actions, how is that your fault or your responsibility?

[FrayedEnds]

of course the rational and realistic side of my brain KNOWS that I'm not responsible or at fault if he ends the friendship... I just don't want that to happen. thanks tinyrabbit

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Why are you making yourself responsible for things that are outside your control?

life would be SO much easier if I could stop doing that.

[timj]

Tell your husband. You did nothing wrong. Not telling him will give the guy who hit on you the wrong idea, like maybe you are thinking about it. You clearly are not, so tell the husband and only the "hitter" will have consequences. Not telling him could easily end up causing your marriage real problems. Suppose this guy tells your husband 2 months from now. What will your husband think when he realizes you didn't talk to him about this?

[Webgoji]

Yes, tell him. This has nothing to do with you, but his buddy broke his trust and he needs to know so he can deal with the situation as appropriate. I could be as easy as him sitting his buddy down and saying, "Hey, don't do that," or maybe something else. As Jack Nicholson said, "Never rub another man's rhubarb."

[KathyM]

I'm not sure why you would tell the guy you'd "think it over." You could have told him then and there you are a devoted wife and have no interest in other men. My husband used to have a married friend who would hit on me in front of my husband. He'd say things like "Why don't you leave him and run away with me?" I'd laugh it off and remind him how much he loved his wife and couldn't live without her. When it became irritating, I told him "I've already made my choice, and I'm devoted to my husband - nothing you could do or say could change my mind - you're wasting your time." He finally let it go.

I knew he wasn't completely serious because he said it in front of my husband, but I did not expect my husband to "handle" the matter. If the man had come to me in private, I would have easily said the same thing without having to get my husband involved or destroying his friendship with the man.

If I were you I would go back to your husband's friend and set him straight by telling him you didn't need any time to "think it over" because you are completely devoted to your husband. If your husband finds out about the incident, he'll only hear of your devotion.

[FrayedEnds]

whoa KathyM You misread! I absolutely told him a firm "NO". The "thinking it over" had to do with telling my husband that it happened.

[FrayedEnds]

Originally Posted by webgoji

as jack nicholson said, "never rub another man's rhubarb."

[KathyM]

Perhaps I should untie my eyes before I begin to read

[healingme4me]

I'd tell him, but now, you've got this time-gap, to explain as well. Guess, the question, remains, how to tell your husband, why you waited as long to tell him.

[FrayedEnds]

thanks everybody, you've all been a big help. Sometimes I paralyze my own thoughts obsessing needlessly. Of course I should tell him. Trust and honesty are why this whole mess got started
Can you tell that I try to micro-manage my husbands emotional life?
He's had a bad year and this friend has perked him up. I'll leave it up to him and he'll handle it how he chooses.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'd tell him, but now, you've got this time-gap, to explain as well.

sorry for being so rambly and unclear. this happened less than 24 hours ago

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by FrayedEnds

sorry for being so rambly and unclear. this happened less than 24 hours ago

ok, ok It can take me a day or two to process, my own stuff, sometimes. Within the past 24 hours, is far from taking time to tell It's more about having the right opportunity to sit down and have this talk with him, between life, kids(if you have them), prior commitments.