[Bodiesneverfound]

I'm in a weird situation and I need some advice. I suffer from PTSD as the result of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a child. I am about one month out of an abusive relationship and I'm trying to put the pieces back together right now. When I was in the process of ending said abusive relationship I got back in touch with a friend from high school who was incredibly supportive of me. She texted or called me every day just to make sure that I was okay and she told me about how she had a similar experience with someone she dated a few years back. He had treated her even worse than my ex had treated me and she'd had to get a restraining order against him.
So I happen to run into a guy I knew from high school (we were never friends but he was friends with a lot of my friends and still close with a lot of them now) and we started hanging out. Turns out this is the guy who abused my other friend. We go to the same school, have a lot of mutual friends, and train at the same dojo (he's done varying styles of martial arts for years and I am just getting started). One thing led to another and we slept together. Now I don't know what to do.
My friend had told me she doesn't care if I talk to him or anything as long as I don't mention her but I feel guilty. More importantly, now that I know what's he's done in the past I don't feel comfortable with him.
I have a very hard time letting people close to me. I go through periods where I can't even let people touch me. I've developed a horrible social anxiety because I fear everyone I meet is trying to abuse me in some way. I don't trust anyone fully not even my girlfriends or my therapists. My PTSD has been flaring up way worse than normal and the smallest things will trigger me, like random smells or tone of voice, anything that reminds me of my ex especially. This has caused problems for me because I'll go into self defense mode and/or panic mode and I have black outs and flashbacks regularly. I've even lost some friends because of it and I fell terribly behind in school. In short it's not going well.
I also have a hard time saying no to people and standing up for myself because I've been trained not and been told so often not to listen to my intuition or honor my own needs. So I've decided I have to break it off with this guy because of all this. He's been open about having a violent past and said he's changed and what not but even if that's not just total ******** I don't care. I don't want to take any chances right now. I don't want to end up in another situation like that. Period. At this point I'd rather be safe than sorry and what my friend has told me about him is more than a red flag. Bottom line is even if what my friend told me is ******** and he is a great guy I'm not comfortable so I have to stop seeing him.
Ordinarily I'd just ignore his calls or tell him it's not working and not to call me. However I'm having a tough time with this because I can't really avoid him. I can't switch dojos because the place I'm going right now is free and I can't afford classes at another one. I can't switch schools. And we have a lot of mutual friends and I don't want to lose their friendship because I don't want to be around him. How can I break it off with him while remaining civil enough to avoid drama with our mutual friends and keep going to the same dojo?
One of our mutual friends told him about what I was going through after the abusive relationship and she didn't know he had a violent past or anything so I'm not mad at her but I feel like now that he knows how vulnerable I am he can use that to his advantage and maybe I'm paranoid thinking like this but from what my friend told me about him I'm not. I'm thinking of just telling him that I am in a strange place in my life right now and I've been through a lot and having a sexual relationship with someone is not good for me at the moment and just leaving it there. Does this seem like a good idea?

[Bodiesneverfound]

Also I forgot to add this- so we had sex twice and after he kept telling me how amazing and beautiful I was and how perfect this is and that it might be fate, that he loves being around me, he wants to be there for me and protect me but not control me, crap like that. I find that incredibly off putting another red flag. I don't believe what he's saying for one thing. He's laying it on way too thick and it's obvious. Also normal people don't feel the need to tell each other how normal (in this case not controlling) they are and he said things like this to me without prompting. I assume this was because my other friend had told him I was leaving an abusive relationship but I had not told him anything about it so it seemed strange. And even if he was being sincere that's still off putting. I don't want a relationship right now and he knows this. He barely knows me too so I feel like telling me all these things about how much he likes me is creepy and I don't like it. The second time we had sex he told me he wanted to do this every night and he wanted to sleep over and hang out the next day too and it was way too much for me and I felt pushed. I lied and said I had homework and he needed to leave and he left.
I sort of wish my friend hadn't told me all this bad stuff about him because we do have a lot in common and I have fun hanging out with him and the sex was good. It's only post sex that he gets weird and I wouldn't like that even if I didn't know about his past behavior.

[winter4me]

RED RED STOP!!!!!!!! Your best bet may be to say, and mean it, that you realize you got involved with him during a time that you need to be on your own, as you have things to do and sort out that require being out of a relationship.
You could be honest, not mention your friend, and just say you realize that it is too much for you, and not what you want or need, that you can still be casually friendly "hello" at the dojo etc., but that you cannot be intimate with him.

[hannabee]

I'd say the flags couldn't be any REDDER!!! (That's not a word, I don't think?) Anyway, please stop and listen to yourself. This is NOT the man for you!! You deserve better and you would be settling. Don't let things go any farther!!! Break it off saying you are just not ready for an intimate relationship at this point in your life. I would then Not be super friendly and lead him on...he is still going to be after you for sex, that we already know!!! RUN RUN RUN!!!

[Bodiesneverfound]

Should I go ahead and text him/call him and tell him that right away? Before any of this happened I invited him out to a show, then found out my ex might be there so I decided not to go but he had already bought tickets so I felt bad and then last night I told him I'd go because I felt a bit pressured and this morning now I know I can't go. I was just going to lie and say I was sick or something but should I go ahead and tell him I realized I got involved with him too early and I'm not in a place where I can be intimate with anyone right now and that I don't want to go to the show or hang out tonight?
We're going on a roadtrip with a few mutual friends this week too so we can all see my friend who lives in another state. None of us have seen her in a few years so I'm most definitely going. I'm going to tell her the situation (not any details because I don't want to betray my other friends confidence but just that I'm uncomfortable with him) so that we can figure out sleeping arrangements (we're all spending the night at her house) and I'll be able to sleep in another room with one of my girlfriends instead.
I've been in situations like this before with guys but it wasn't an issue because we didn't have mutual friends and we didn't run into each other at school or whatever on a regular basis so this is a bit harder for me.

I agree with above...huge huge red flags. By all means, even if it feels wussy, just tell him whatever you need to, to have a nonconfrontational end to it. Then don't look back. Your friend did you a service by telling you about him and if it feels wrong with him, then it IS wrong....if he 'seems' too much, then he IS too much, and the fact is....if he gets weird post sex.....HE IS WEIRD.

Take care of yourself. You deserve better.

[Bodiesneverfound]

He texted me earlier today about the show and this is what I told him "I feel really bad doing this to you again but I'm having a pretty anxious day and I'm not comfortable going to the show. I've realized this morning too that I've been moving too quickly with you and while I had fun I'm not ready to be intimate with anyone yet. I don't know how much my friend told you but I have PTSD due to sexual trauma and I'm just not able to be intimate with anyone right now. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and I hope this doesn't make things weird between us but I understand if it does. I'm just in a strange place in my life right now." He responded by calling me and I didn't feel like talking so I told him I was in class and he texted me that he understood and just wanted to be there for me. I had told him earlier that if I didn't go to the concert he could have my ticket for another friend and then he texts me this "I really wanted you to be my date though. My ex won't appreciate the music... I also want to **** you". That made me furious. I tell him I can't sleep with him because I've been abused and then he says that. So I'm not giving him my ticket. Frankly I never want to see him again.
I talked with the girls who are going on the trip with us and it came out that while they still talk to him they don't really like him and didn't want him to come so I told him it was supposed to be a girls thing only and our guy friend was just coming to hang out with someone else who lives there. So I don't really have much to worry about I guess because none of our mutual friends like him anyway. He keeps texting me about the ticket but I'm just ignoring it and if he bothers me anymore at the karate classes I'm going to tell the guy who runs the dojo and I'm sure he'll put an end to that.
The sex was good and it was consensual but good sex can turn to bad sex in a millisecond when you don't trust someone and I've already learned that the hard way. I'll stick to people I feel comfortable with from now on.

[winter4me]

Frankly, I would tell him you don't want to see or hear from him again; you told him the truth, even much more than you needed to and he is NOT able to HEAR. If he is going on that trip, don't go---find another time you and some female friends can go. (I would seriously consider blocking his # on your phone if he doesn't stop).

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Frankly, I would tell him you don't want to see or hear from him again; you told him the truth, even much more than you needed to and he is NOT able to HEAR. If he is going on that trip, don't go---find another time you and some female friends can go. (I would seriously consider blocking his # on your phone if he doesn't stop).

The trip actually fell through anyway for other reasons. I'm pretty depressed about it but I was going to drive and my car broke down and when I told the other girl I'm going with she made it a huge deal and long story short it escalated and we aren't speaking. I am no longer speaking with this guy either for obvious reasons. He texted me again today and apologized for what he said yesterday about wanting to **** me but I just ignored it. I don't know if there's a way to block him on my phone. I just got a new number because my abusive ex was harassing me and I don't want to have to do it all over again. I don't want to see any more texts from this girl either because while she means well the things she does and says tend to trigger my PTSD. She pressures me to do things I'm not comfortable with and then blames me and acts like I'm the bad guy when I tell her no. The way she's been talking to me lately reminds me so much of my ex and my mother and I can't stand to see her texts. I had a midterm tomorrow and I had to turn my phone off because I couldn't study with both of them texting me all night. I'm going to see if it has a blocking feature and block them both from my facebook right now.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Actually just found a free app for that. They're both blocked now.