[Jenn1fer82]

Someone who I've been in a real serious relationship came to me last week expressing to me that she would want to get back together. I was so shock and didn't know what to think of it.

Our past was so intense and we were so young. We're both 24 now and when we were together we were only 17. When we were together it was both our first time to let everyone around us know that she was a lesbian and I was bisexual. Because it was a huge and important step in our lives it made us so close.

When we broke up and it was because she had cheated on me but after sometime, we've still kept in touch through out the years. The closeness we had with coming out together kept our friendship alive but there was also a thin line between us that could be easily crossed and because of that I was very aware of it.

If I were to sum up how our friendship have been like for the years it would be like this:

I've always been an anchor for her when she has a hardship in any part of her life. I would be the anchor to remind her of what she truly deserves and the personal strength she always had inside of her. Of the years I've gotten to know her so well. I've seen many downfalls of hers and we've shared our experiences of our other relationships. She gives me the comfort of closeness and I'm the anchor to help ground her when she's distress.

When I mean closeness it has nothing to do anything sexual but its our causal walks, the way she could make me laugh and the subtle ways we comfort one another when we're together. When we were 17 we learned subtle ways to comfort one another when we would be in public without drawing a crowd and to offend others, so a touch on the shoulder or the soft caress on the hand is so intimate for us.

Last week she comes over to visit but I could tell something was on her mind. She was real restless. She brought over dinner for me, spent hours watching tv with me, took our walks and later on the night she called and from 10pm-5am the next day we were on the phone. she tells me that looking back I've always been the one that she could say loved her and she feels the same for me. If we were to get back together or not she could move on just knowing that at least I now know how she feels. I told her that we must take things slow because I need to know that she's willing to stick around for me.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. I could see us having a long-term friendship but to have a relationship I'm just not certain. I have things that I look for in a long-term partner. A clear, strong head on their shoulder, to be mature with how they handle their liquor, no smokers, and a clear outlook on life etc. Sadly she doesn't have this. I accept her as my friend but as a partner I need more then that. One thing I don’t want is for us to relive our past and I’m thinking that she wants to hold on to that past.

I've been the anchor for her and we move on. When she needs me I’m a phone call away, I’ve never turned my back on her. There’s a part of me wished that she didn't come to me and tell me that she wanted to develop a relationship because now I don't know how to carry the friendship.

[LMo]

Oh Jennifer - tough call...

Speaking of someone who has a clear, strong head on their shoulders, you seem to be just that. I think you're smart to take your time on this to make sure that you're not falling into something that you'll have a hard time digging yourself out of later.

How did she react when asked her for time?

[Jenn1fer82]

Well when I told her that I need for us to take our time, that was when she responded that regardless if we do get back together or not at least she had the chance to let me know how she felt. Of the many years I would never have thought she would have came to me and tell me that she wanted us to start a relationship again. I didn't see it coming whatsoever. I had to question why now, why all of a sudden? Is she coming to me now because she is feeling lonely, am I that convience friend of her's that she knew will always be there for her emotionally and worst of all is she just wanting to relive our past? Ever since that night we've hung out all weekend long. I see it as though that because she's the one who wants to pursue the relationship she should be the one to show me how much she wanted the relationship. I'm confused should I allow things to take its time or should I just stop it before it goes to far and we'll lose our friendship.

[LMo]

Well... what I would do and what I think that you should do are hypocritically different.

I'm sure I'd allow my heart to make the decision, but of course my advice is to listen to your head for now.

You've listed the attributes that your friend has that contradict what you consider your criteria for a long-term partner. Your criteria are smart, IMO, not overly picky or limiting. If your friend doesn't meet those criteria, then it's much better to stop now before you fall too deep... but then again, it's much easier saying that from the outside than to be in the situation.

I have a feeling that you'll do what's best. You seem very grounded to me.

[kimmydawn]

Jennifer,

If it were me and I were interested in this, I would move in baby steps...maybe hanging out more to check compatibility, discussing expectations of a relationship, etc.

After all, I didn't see any indication that it has to be a "yes or no" response immediately.

Sometimes there's great learning, insights and downright fun in exploring the prospects of a new relationship.

I wish you well there.

KD

[DavidStrong]

If you tie two ships together at sea and toss one anchor, for a while it seems fine. However, when a storm comes, the ships will smash against each other and cause both to sink.

Don't be someone else's anchor.

[LMo]

David, that was a FANTASTIC metaphor! Mind if I borrow it?

[Jenn1fer82]

Wow I'm impressed with your imput. It helped me put things into prospective. I feel I'm in a tug-a-war with my emotions. Of the many years we've been friends and our intimate past it have kept us so close as friends.

My mind tells me to take a step back and not pursue and give her the chance to show me how much she wants to develope this relationship. Now I'm more aware then ever with how I interact with her because I don't want to give her any indication whatsoever that I'm wanting the same thing. I feel so conflicted because theres a possibility that I would have to step back from the friendship also.

This is why I wish she didn't express to me how she would like to develop a intimate relationship with me again because now the line have been crossed between us. Where does our friendship stand?

[seeker1950]

I appreciate the objective and intelligent way you are asssessing your friend, Jennifer. We could all take this as an example when faced with such a situation.
And you are still young, but sound wise beyond your years.
I know you will make the right choice for YOU!
Patty

[RainbowFaerie]

Hey Jenn,

When I fell in love with my partner of six years we were best friends who fell in love. We were friends for close to a year before we crossed that line because we wanted to see what the other was really like.

What I hear you saying in your post is that you are okay with having this person as a friend but that she does NOT have the qualities you seek in a partner. That to me answers your question of where to take it. It sounds like you are the stable one, you are HER anchor. But what about Jennifer? I think DavidStrong nailed it with what he said. You can't put your needs aside to be there for someone else. It may "work" for a time but not, in my experience, in the long run. I would say be her friend as you feel comfortably able to, but do NOT compromise your standards. Don't settle. It's not healthy for you or for the other person, and you might miss out on a great woman with the very qualities you are seeking, simply because you settled.

Namaste,
RainbowFaerie

[wanting]

I have come out of a relationship that lasted for 7 yrs,we lived together,we loved each other and still do.but we where incompatible,we both had qualities that the other didnt like and no matter how we tried to compromise the strain was allways there,so i say unless you are completely accepting of her drinking and smoking ect then you should just remain freinds.