[Hopefull]

My step-father had a heart attack. At first, the doctors thought he might die. Now, he is doing better. They sat him up for a while and took the stent and balloon out. He will probably get a pace maker soon. He has had some rotten teeth pulled yesterday. I haven't heard how that went yet.
I am worried about him and my mom. My relationship with my step-father is confussing. He once said that I was too stupid to be a doctor. He tended to yell at you and insult you if you didn't understand an order immediately. He did some other mean things like chasing me on a horse. I had thought about stopping to see if he would run me over. I wanted him to run me over and feel guilty about killing me. But, he loved me, defended me at times and bragged about me behind my back.
So I am confused on how I feel. Do I love him? Do I hate him? Can a person love and hate someone at the same time?
My T just ask me questions and wrote in the file when I told her this. Do you ever wonder what they write in your file? I know I do sometimes. But, it might interfere with her ability to be honest if I tried to read it on her. Besides she seems to keep it short because their doesn't appear to be much room for her to write on the form for some reason. I wonder if my files makes me sound nuts.
How does one figure out how he/she feels about something? I know that I don't want my step-father to die. But is that only because I don't want my mom to be left by herself? She is not used to living on her own. Or do I want him to live for some more noble reason? Doubt it. What is love? How does one know if he/she loves anyone? I sometimes feel like I might be incapable of love because I can't conceive of anyone loving me.

[lenjan]

It's entirely possible to love and hate someone at the same time. I felt the same way about my dad. He was an alcoholic with a nasty temper, but eventually we had a pretty decent relationship. It doesn't mean that I forgot the bad stuff, though.

I'm glad to hear your stepfather is doing better.

Candy

[Rhapsody]

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Hopefull said:
So I am confused on how I feel. Do I love him? Do I hate him? Can a person love and hate someone at the same time?

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Yes.... this feeling is very normal and are often where many of us live once we have been wounded by a loved one - past or present.

What I would suggest is that YOU look at the facts and see if these reactions of your step-father are still true today (or) are YOU holding onto the past, therefore, YOU are not fully enjoying the moment in which YOU now live.... and please know that we all understand how WORDS can hurt.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Maybe look into reading this book.... it was recommended to me by my T and it has greatly helped me to understand how the past will and does effect me today - if I do not let it go.

1.) Feelings Buried Alive Never Die:
http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0911207023

[FaithisAlive]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. When my father had a heart attack and they didn't know if he would make it or not,I was unsure of how I felt too.

part of me wanted him to die because I thought then I could be free of the secrets.. and part of me wanted him to live because i did love him.Most of me was more worried about where his soul would go if he died.

I have found that I hated the man who did terrible things to me and I loved the man he could be.Like a good father and a bad father... I had to learn to seperate the two.He is dead now..

he was given about 3 good years after his heart attack and I think he tried to make ammends in his own way.So when he died,I didnt struggle with it as I had when he nearly died the first time.I was at peace with it I guess.

But after he died is when the memories stated flooding my mind.. so I was given a whole new set of issues to deal with concerning him...and I was glad he wasn't here.

Love is real.. and you are just as lovable as anyone.. and you deserve to be loved as much as anyone..Faith