[Angel of Bedlam]

So I have a wonderful boyfriend who is so supportive in my BPD recovery and pretty much every area of my life. About a month and a half ago, I started to feel disconnected and like he was going to leave me (we'd been arguing more and I just got scared). Instead of just running, I started creating my safety net so I wouldn't be alone. I started talking to an ex (even made plans to meet up but never did), flirting with a number of men and even sent risque pics out of myself. He found out and obviously it lead to a huge fight. I explained my feelings and the situation and he forgave me and we've been working on repairing the problems created by me. I did not sleep with anyone else, but I cannot minimize this, what I did was so wrong. I am horribly ashamed for my actions but have been working to show him that I want to combat my BPD and I don't want to be selfish and hurtful anymore. I've completely cut people out of my life who were involved in the fiasco and went so far as to remove over 100 people from facebook. The problem is that if I even talk to another man it seems as though he gets upset. I understand this, it was caused by my actions and the fact that trust was lost between us. I know I need to earn this trust back but am unsure how to start other than being honest and working so hard on recovery. I also worry thay because I'm not really allowed to talk to other men, will I ever be given the chance to prove that I can be trusted again? Do I need to just be patient? Is there anything I can do to repair the damage I've done? This is tremendously hard to write to all of you as I'm so ashamed of what I did to him but I want this to work more than anything so I'll set my pride aside, prepare for comments on what a worthless girlfriend I am, and hope for some really helpful insight into this.

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[shezbut]

The problem is that if I even talk to another man it seems as though he gets upset. I understand this, it was caused by my actions and the fact that trust was lost between us. I know I need to earn this trust back but am unsure how to start other than being honest and working so hard on recovery. I also worry thay because I'm not really allowed to talk to other men, will I ever be given the chance to prove that I can be trusted again? Do I need to just be patient? Is there anything I can do to repair the damage I've done?

Is it possible that you are now feeling hyper-sensitive whenever you are around men and your hub is around as well? Perhaps that's a possibility?

Are you still an active member of FB and/or other online meet-up places? Have you changed what you do around your husband ~ to make him feel more appreciated? Like: give him more attention, make his favorite meal more often, go places together more often, that sort of thing.

Perhaps seeing a T together is going to be in order if you are doing what you can & not doing what you shouldn't, yet your hub is often giving you the "evil eye" or making insecure, snide remarks. That's when an extra hand, one that is indifferent to either "side", can be especially helpful!

Very best wishes to you and your husband!

[Angel of Bedlam]

I think I'm so afraid of screwing things up again that I may be over sensitive. It's hard but he and I are in this together. I am going to try and do more things to let him know how special he is to me, that's a good idea.

I've pretty much stopped Facebook, it's not because of anything other than I am trying to work more on us. We saw my T once together right after... maybe going again is a good idea. Thank you for your help! I so appreciate it.

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[wife22]

Hi
The problem with most man is that they take it very personally anything related to another male . Maybe because of issues with their own confidence and trust as you said. Try to stay away from male friends for some time
Since both of you are very sensitive now: one is suspicious /other is afraid to be blamed.give yourself time .and believe that he loves you and will not let you go,you are worth to be happy
Stay well and confident ,

[Jishkah]

This will be difficult. Immensely difficult. There's not much that you can do in re-forming his trust in you; you can be the "perfect" girlfriend and have as much patience in the world, but that final push needs to come from him. It will be difficult, for sure, and it will be an uphill battle, but he obviously cares enough to stick with the relationship, y'know? He wants to trust you, and he wants to be with you, but that final push needs to come from him, and you can't blame him for that. You can only be patient. Unless he flat-out states, "I don't want to be with you, anymore," try to assume that he cares, that he wants the relationship to work, and act accordingly. The trust, however, will need to come from him, and it may take a while, but it's not impossible. Just do what you can, if you want this relationship to continue.

I wish you the best.

Well from what I've read there is one thing that came to mind that I feel is important. The solution is not going through life avoiding ever talking to other men. It is not only nearly impossible to do, in the long run ends up being unfair to you and will feed on your own challenges you already have. But, that being said it is understandable why he would expect this and also very reasonable for you to initially accomodate him this way but it's just not the long term solution.

Eventually there will come a time when you have to talk to some other men, circumstantially or whatever the reason, it's inevitable. So my advice to you is at some point you need to break out of that pattern and do something different. That is, if and when the time comes, go out of your way to give him reassurances as to why you are or will talk to this other male, and let him know regularly, if this is a longer term thing, why this person is someone you need to talk to and reaffirm that he's the "one" there is no one else, and not to worry. The thing is that's the only way he'll be able to trust you again, is seeing you talking to men without fllirting with them or pursuing them in that way. avoiding men altogether will really just extend the time it takes for this to change.

I'm not sure if this is making any sense but in a nutshell, to earn trust you have to give him reasons to trust. When you're trying to earn lost trust you have to go even further (the continual reassurances in the beginning, etc) to gain it back.

Hope this helps.
S4