[GaPeach61]

I met Fred (name changed) 15 years ago. We both were single and fell madly in love. (There's a 13 year age difference me being the older.) The 2 years we were together was magical! His parents were happy that he was with an older lady. I was quickly approaching 40 and had decided I didn't want children -- however he did - so he left. We remained friends and he would try to come back - saying he'd made the worst mistake of his life. I never let him come back - I knew he wanted a family of his own and would regret my not allowing that to happen.

Years pass - we stay in contact via email and phone. He marries - it last less than a year and he marries again 2 years later (is still married today). I married - it lasted 5 years.

During this time we had remained friends - still talking only through email. Nothing sexual -- just friends talking about life. Two years ago I received and email from him telling me he needed to cut off all communication with me. I was furious!!! Two years pass and a few times during those years he reached out via email to me -- I cut him down and told him to leave me alone.

This May he emailed again and this time was different - he needed someone to talk to. So I replied and we've been talking ever since. I've found out over the past 5 months that his wife made him send the email to me. He says those two years without me in his life were miserable. We started out just talking via email - then later met at a local park. The sparks immediately flew and we kissed and held each other. We both confessed to each other that we had never stopped loving each other. We don't have just a physical attraction for each other - however the sex is incredible - we have a soul connection.

He says that he still loves his wife (they have no children - after they married she found out she was unable) but that she always wants him to change. He is such a different person than the one I knew 15 years ago. She was a 40 year old virgin when they married - he isn't allowed to drink in the house, use any curse words and he says they never have sex because she doesn't really know how. Oh -- and they teach in the same school -- so he's around her all day. He said he just couldn't find his happy self anymore.

A month ago I started feeling like I was being used: for sex and to help him find his happy self again. I told him that I wouldn't be used to help him stay in a bad marriage. But that if he wanted to "come home" (those are his words about my home) the door was open.

I am really torn about what to do in this relationship. My heart is madly in love with him! But my brain says all that's going to happen is I'll wind up being hurt.

I would appreciate any and all opinions.

[NWgirl2013]

I think Fred needs to choose.
Nice that he wants to keep both of you, for him. But he isn't stupid, he knows this can't continue. It is unfair to everyone. Kinda mean too, don't you think?
He knows you are ready willing and able to accept him back. You've laid all your cards on the table.
He needs to choose.

[GaPeach61]

He says he can't leave her right now because they work together in the same school. That it would make for too hard of a situation there. And he also says that even though she wants him to be something other than he is -- he still loves her.

I've backed off - no more sex just talking through email and an occasional friendly visit.

[7Cups_Ann]

This is a difficult situation to be in and only demonstrates how complicated our lives can get as we grow and change from relationship to relationship. How are you and "Fred" currently communicating? Have you brought up any of your concerns to him?

[GaPeach61]

We see each other occasionally - we talk, have a beer or two, and hug and sometimes a kiss - mainly we talk. We talk via email every day - sometimes hundreds of emails a day.

Yes - I've told him that when we were having sex I felt like a *****. Told him no more until he can come to my bed without baggage and stay. He knows how much I love him and that the door is always open to him. I've also told him that they things he needs in his marriage (sex, fun, communication) he needs to get from his wife and friends. Only problem -- his friends have all left him because of her.

It's hard when I know he's having a down day to not reach out to him - but I just wind up feeling used again.

I asked him the other day if he had any guilt regarding our relationship (the wife forbids him to have any communication with me) and he said "In a way I do. Because it's not out in the open. I know I probably should more than I do But in a way I don't because I love you. "

I honestly believe he loves me. It's just hard knowing that the person you love is in the arms of someone else - and that someone else is his wife.

[NWgirl2013]

Hi ~ Me again. He is living a lie, as we all see. Why oh why won't he just get it over with? The excuses he gives, 'they work at the same school', whatever, are lame if you ask me.

I guess I would be more forceful. Make him choose by cutting him off all together until he figures this out. The reason his wife wants him to cut contact with you is she already knows she doesn't want to share her husband with you. That is her fear. What do you think she would do if she knew the truth? Maybe that cat needs to be let out of the bag...
Let her be the one to dump him, maybe that would be easier for him, since he seems to think walking a tight rope between two women is all he can do.

He is one of the lucky ones; he already has the safety net (you) in place. This will be almost painless for him.
So What if his coworkers are scandalized. So What if it's hard. Aren't you worth the embarrassment and trouble this will cause?
I still think he needs to man up, stop making excuses, stop emailing you, and either be a husband, her husband, or yours. Not both. This is so unfair to everyone involved.

He needs to allow you or his wife the chance to move on. Is that his fear? That one of you will move on without him? Why is he being so selfish & self-absorbed?

Sorry to sound so harsh but this is seriously messing with people that he claims to care about. If he really cares, he will make up his mind and live with his decision. Doncha think?
Sincerely hoping for the best for all of you~

[healingme4me]

I agree, he needs to make a decision, once and for all. Isn't it scandalous, enough, from his work perspective, that he's a married man, carrying on with another woman? Not that they know that, but which is worse? An affair of the heart or a divorce? Divorces are commonplace, have been for a few decades, now.

He sounds like he's afraid of confrontation. If he's unhappy in his marriage, which by the way, carrying on an affair is not a behavior of someone that truly loves and respects his wife, then it's time for him to own up to his marital dissatisfaction. Or let you, proceed forward in your own life, free of his inability to make you his number one priority--which if he truly loves you, this is a no brainer.

[Anika.]

I agree with all said. And will only add that often when a spouce is having an affair outside the marriage, they sometimes do not give the whole truth concerning their spouce. You get sort of a "have sympathy for me" version. You know, like maybe she does know how to have sex, maybe he is allowed to curse in the house and maybe she isn't really trying to change him. Maybe he is presenting partial truths here. I am very weary of people who cheat and use excuses like this to do so, it doesn't speak to what he does in the marriage does it? It kind of seems like a blame and poor me type of deal.

As for the rest I agree it is not fair to you or to her. He does need to make a choice and obviously right now he is hurting two women he claims to love. Which does seem selfish and very uncaring, not really loving actually.

[GaPeach61]

Well I had enough. I told him last night I was done playing second fiddle to his wife. He said he wanted to remain friends -- I told him NO! How can we just be friends - not right now anyway. My heart is broken but it will heal -- time is my friend right now.

Originally Posted by GaPeach61

Well I had enough. I told him last night I was done playing second fiddle to his wife. He said he wanted to remain friends -- I told him NO! How can we just be friends - not right now anyway. My heart is broken but it will heal -- time is my friend right now.

You did the right thing. Regardless of what you had before. Thing is if he really was after you, he would have left his wife by now and come to you. Seems to me he's just playing games with two women, staying with one and keeping on the end of a string. He wants his cake and eat it too or he would make the choice on his own either way.