[soconfused3]

Hello all – I hope this is an ok place to post this! I just need someone to talk/listen to me I guess and hear others opinions. I am a little nervous to put too much on here since I don’t want those that are close to me to see it but not sure how they would find this!? And not sure if I should have put so much in my first post, but here it goes.
A little about myself, I am 33 yrs old been with my bf for almost 4 yrs we, have lived together most of them and he has 2 kids that are in their 20’s. Yes he had them real young. We are not married nor engaged and he had been divorced for years.
I have been having a really hard time b/c we are not even engaged, we have talked about it and he says he wants to do it but just hasn’t done it. (we did also talk about this when we first got together and he said yes he would do it again) But he always uses some excuse, mainly that we can’t afford it. Now I have to add when we first got together I did have money issues that needed to be solved and I got that worked out after a year and half. Now we have been redoing a lot of his home, so I know money has been going to into that a lot but still is that really even an excuse anymore?? It’s not as though I am expecting some expensive ring and I don’t want a big wedding, actually want one on a beach somewhere and then have a party at home. But he just doesn’t do it. And now his daughter got engaged and expects him to pick up half her wedding even though she hasn’t asked and it’s less than a year away, so here we go we have another excuse to add on.
Now myself I don’t have kids and don’t want any. I personally know that I am just to selfish and really just have never been a kid person. I love his two to pieces and would do anything for them and I am extremely happy for the daughter who is getting married, so don’t think that I am not on that. But I guess you could say that I am also pissed now b/c I know this is going to push any possibility of me even getting engaged back over another year now. Really I am tired of my putting my life on hold for anything or anyone, which seems that, is what I always do. Am I just crazy to think this?
I know marriage may not mean a lot to others, but it does to me. I have told him that from the beginning and now thinking that I am wasting my time, or am I just being a *****!? All I want to do is cry all the time and just not sure what to do. I really can’t talk to anyone about it b/c I don’t trust in the fact that others will believe that I am really happy for them. He couldn’t understand why I was upset when I found out; he believed I should just be happy so others can be happy for us when it happens, but WTF!? Do you really expect me to not be upset when they haven’t even been together a ¼ of the time we are and he is sure he wants to marry her? Am I the only woman who would be upset by this and not be able to hide it? Ok sorry now I am rambling on, thanks for listening!!
Soconfused3

HUGS to you.

1st - please understand - I do not know your guy. I can not say for 100% certainty that I know his soul. Okay - know that part....

I think he has ZERO intention of marrying you. Ever. That does NOT mean that he is using you or does not care about you. Maybe he has unresolved marriage issues. Maybe it is the "getting the cow for free" thing.... I do not know.

Here is my opinion........... You have a choice to make. A very difficult choice. You have to decide which means more to you

- Being with a man that you care about as an unmarried person and never getting married to him. Dealing with the insecurities that may arise from that fact

- Leaving him and finding someone who WILL commit to you.

I have no doubt you have a lot of tears ahead of you. And my heart breaks a bit for the pain that you must be going through.

*Prayers to you and I hope it turns out in a way that you can *accept* in your soul.

[gayleggg]

I agree with what Useless Me has said. I don't know that I could add any more that would be more helpful. I can only offer a hug.

[FrayedEnds]

Originally Posted by soconfused3

He couldn’t understand why I was upset when I found out; he believed I should just be happy so others can be happy for us when it happens, but WTF!?

I agree WTF!? How could he possibly not understand when you've made it clear to him from the beginning what you wanted?! and the key word there is WHEN. How long does he expect you to be in this holding pattern? WHEN will all his ducks be in a straight enough row?

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say...

Originally Posted by soconfused3

Am I the only woman who would be upset by this and not be able to hide it?

HECK NO!!

[jadzea]

Some things to think about:

Are you sure you want to invest your money into fixing up his house? If you do break up you will not get any of that money back. Also, as long as you are helping him financially he has less of a reason to marry you. He is getting the help anyway.

Are you living with him? If you are his/your expenses will not change if you are married. He is using money as an excuse, not a reason.

He may act badly to a threat of leaving him if he does not marry you so you might not want to make it until you are ready to leave. You could set a deadline for yourself though. Decide that if he has not committed within a set period of time (6 months, 1 year, etc.) you will leave him. That way you know there is an end to your time in limbo.

As long as you are living with him your chances of meeting someone who is serious about being married are slim. If marriage is really your goal, you are spending time with no long term return. On the other hand, he can be as committed to you unmarried as he is married. Many men with rings on their fingers are out running around while the women are home wondering where they are. Being married does not guarantee anything. He could just be afraid of marriage but love you dearly and want to spend his life with you. Only you can decide the reality of the situation and what you are able to accept. I hope you settle things soon and you have a long, happy life with whoever you settle down with.

[lightinthesky]

I think when a man wants to marry you, then he does it. Especially that you made it clear that it is not an expensive ring or a dress you wish for.. Other thing.. he's done it already and it probably is harder for him to do it again, it is easier when it is your first time. Also, I think you shouldn't be too desperate to get married, what will change?

[Shawnie333]

Originally Posted by soconfused3

Hello all – I hope this is an ok place to post this! I just need someone to talk/listen to me I guess and hear others opinions. I am a little nervous to put too much on here since I don’t want those that are close to me to see it but not sure how they would find this!? And not sure if I should have put so much in my first post, but here it goes.
A little about myself, I am 33 yrs old been with my bf for almost 4 yrs we, have lived together most of them and he has 2 kids that are in their 20’s. Yes he had them real young. We are not married nor engaged and he had been divorced for years.
I have been having a really hard time b/c we are not even engaged, we have talked about it and he says he wants to do it but just hasn’t done it. (we did also talk about this when we first got together and he said yes he would do it again) But he always uses some excuse, mainly that we can’t afford it. Now I have to add when we first got together I did have money issues that needed to be solved and I got that worked out after a year and half. Now we have been redoing a lot of his home, so I know money has been going to into that a lot but still is that really even an excuse anymore?? It’s not as though I am expecting some expensive ring and I don’t want a big wedding, actually want one on a beach somewhere and then have a party at home. But he just doesn’t do it. And now his daughter got engaged and expects him to pick up half her wedding even though she hasn’t asked and it’s less than a year away, so here we go we have another excuse to add on.
Now myself I don’t have kids and don’t want any. I personally know that I am just to selfish and really just have never been a kid person. I love his two to pieces and would do anything for them and I am extremely happy for the daughter who is getting married, so don’t think that I am not on that. But I guess you could say that I am also pissed now b/c I know this is going to push any possibility of me even getting engaged back over another year now. Really I am tired of my putting my life on hold for anything or anyone, which seems that, is what I always do. Am I just crazy to think this?
I know marriage may not mean a lot to others, but it does to me. I have told him that from the beginning and now thinking that I am wasting my time, or am I just being a *****!? All I want to do is cry all the time and just not sure what to do. I really can’t talk to anyone about it b/c I don’t trust in the fact that others will believe that I am really happy for them. He couldn’t understand why I was upset when I found out; he believed I should just be happy so others can be happy for us when it happens, but WTF!? Do you really expect me to not be upset when they haven’t even been together a ¼ of the time we are and he is sure he wants to marry her? Am I the only woman who would be upset by this and not be able to hide it? Ok sorry now I am rambling on, thanks for listening!!
Soconfused3

Hi,

I was with someone for a little over 10 years. He made all sorts of promises. Marriage, vacations, fixing the house etc. Something more important always came up. They always were important but I forgot I was important, too. Then he found a better girlfriend and dumped me in the worst possible way.

I'm not saying he's going to find another girlfriend. Only that I doubt he has any intention of marriage. I know this will be hard but get tough. Tell him you want a ring and a wedding date. That this is important to you and you have made it clear from the beginning. If he says an out right no, leave. If he gives you another excuse, leave. If you live with him make sure you have some where to go immediately before telling him this. I had started to write talking to him but that's wrong. You have to tell him what you want. He already knows he can give you an excuse. This will be very hard because you may have to leave. Best case scenario - he"ll want you back. Don't go back without a ring and a date. This is a man that will find another excuse as to why it can't be done yet. Worse case scenario - he will let you leave or more excuses. Then you'll know for sure marriage was never an option for him.

Sorry for the rambling. I hope some of it helped. Shawnie333

[danvb]

soconfused3,
I don't have any advice for you, but I do have a few questions.

Yes, all of the excuses he gives you for not getting married quite yet are all valid excuses. That is, if he's looking for excuses. But, just how important are the things he uses to postpone and delay your marriage? Are they more important to him than YOU? Do YOU feel important to him? Do YOU value yourself? Do YOU think your wants and desires are important? If so, HOW important?

I dunno... something seems to be a bit amiss in your relationship. Well, it feels that way to me anyway.

There is a poem written by Sir Philip Sidney that my wife and I always remember. It's especially important to remember when we hit the occasional bump in our marriage. It never fails to remind us of what's truly, truly important in our lives...

My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,
By just exchange one to the other given:
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss,
There never was a better bargain driven:
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his.

His heart in me keeps him and me in one,
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides:
He loves my heart, for once it was his own,
I cherish his because in me it bides:
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his.

Does your true-love have YOUR heart?

What is important to you? Is it important enough for you to take action to get it?

Dan

[steelfang]

Welcome to psych central! We have an extremely supportive community over here. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Sir Confused]

Soconfused, I hope you figure out what you want most. I have friends who never married and are totally happy that way. I have friends who are married but no one would know because they never talk about it and kept their last names. Both couples appear happy. I guess you just have to think about what it is you need most. I also have a friend who NEVER committed when he was young and it took him like 7 or 8 years to marry his GF. But just when we all thought he never would....he did. It took me 6 years and a lot of prodding to propose...I just didn't have that need and felt that I had met the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Good luck.

[healingme4me]

You were upfront about the importance of getting married, from the get-go. He mentioned, sometime in the future. Now, he's coming up with reason after reason, year after year.

Marriage is an important need of yours. You have ideas of your ideal wedding day. He's yet, to fulfil that need.

Those are a lot of years, to invest in someone, without having your goals met. And, now you are financially assisting him, in fixing 'his' home. I presume, your name, isn't on the deed?