[Trichster87]

I don't even know where to begin. I guess with the basics. My gf and I have been together since may of 2012. Our relationship has been unstable, stressful and even violent for a very long time. I really don't know why things have gotten like this. When we first got together we were very happy and in love. Now literally all we do is fight and argue. Its like walking on eggshells. It even became physical once and that was horrible. We both lost control and did and said horrible things. We decided to try to get back together and try to fix things. Shortly after our physical fight I checked myself into a psych ward. I was kept almost two weeks. And to be honest I loved it there. I was cut off from the outside world and I felt safe there. It was nice to have that break from life. Of course most of the time I was in there we argued. I wanted to break up with her while I was in there but as usual I let her talk me into staying and trying one more time. We've tried it just "one more time" so many times I've lost count. I really wasn't ready to leave but she said she missed me and wanted me to come home so I did. I'm on some really great medications and really want to change myself and be a better person. But being in this relationship sucks the happiness out of me and makes me nervous to the point I either over eat or dont eat. I also have trichatillomania (hair pulling) and its gotten worse. I know my girlfriend is unhappy about alot of things. I really do wish things would get better with us. But I really don't think they will. In the back of my mind I've known that for a long time but my heart didn't want to believe it. But now its starting to catch up. I feel like I really do try so hard to make things work but honestly alot of the time I feel that nothing I do or say is good enough. It feels like everything I do or say upsets her. She's so easily aggervated and very short and hateful to me. It hurts me and makes me so mad. I know we all have problems in life but lately I feel like my life is so stressful and so many bad things have happened. Back in September I totaled my car and I had just had it for a few months. I actually totaled my first car in may. This last wreck was horrible. Now I'm carless again I've been off work since July cause of my back. My old house burned to the ground on Halloween. My mom has lupus and is very sick. Her husband killed himself and she found him. He also left her to raise my little brother. He's only 7. And I'm gay and that is a big issue with my family. I feel so overwhelmed and miserable. I don't want to lose my gf either but I feel like its going to happen. And to be honest I'm starting to hate who she is and our relationship. I proposed to her several months ago and she said yes but with all thats happened we decided to put that off. She blames me all the time and accuses me of having a attitude or being to sensitive all the time. I wish she could really hear how she talks to me and how she treats me. I know by no means I'm perfect and I know I have alot of faults and not every fight is her fault. But lately I feel like she wants to fight. I don't know what to do. I mean I guess deep down I do but for some reason I can't walk away. I don't know what to do anymore. For a long time I've not wanted to wake up anymore and deal with life. Part of me wants to live part of me doesn't. My life feels like its falling apart and I'm so tired of it. I know it can be so much worse but its bad enough. I feel so empty inside. I have to pretend and fake my way through life. I've truly became a master of wearing a mask. I dont know what to do about anything anymore. We have our first couples counseling session next Saturday but I don't even want to go now. It was my idea and I thought it would help but I don't even think it will. I dont even know if I want to try to make this work. I feel like I'm putting off the inevitable. I need some advice or something. I'm drowning here....

[turquoisesea]

Hi and to PC

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. It sounds like you have a ton of different things going on that are affecting your situation.

It might be helpful if you can look at the relationship as much as possible as a separate entity. It sounds from your post (and I know very little of you or your life so take this for what it's worth) that your relationship is currently toxic and you'd be better off without it right now. Its wonderful that you have couples therapy. Maybe that could be a safe place to get some of these things dealt with... and if the relationship doesn't turn into a healthier place, you can always break up and try to be friends.

take care,

I find that talking my problems out helps a lot and that it can be difficul tin real life. So it's helped me loads to type things out here at PC. I hope you can find some help, and that your life gets less stressful soon

[AngstyLady]

Hmmm, maybe the counselor will confirm what you already know: you guys need to part ways for good. I don't know, I'm not a professional, but the prognosis doesn't look good. Good luck in the session, hopefully the Doc will have some good insight for you both.

[Trichster87]

thanks for reading and replying back :-). I just hope things will settle down. And as far as the gf and I are concerned the only thing I can do is take it one day at a time. And yes I do hope the doc will be able to help. Yea it really does help to type things out here :-)

[kimmiemom]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this relationship. Sounds like there are a few issues going on here. You and your gf definitely need to go to counseling together to sort this all out and determine whether or not you want to move forward or end the relationship. The beauty of doing this in counseling is that whatever you decide to do, the therapist will be there to ensure that you are both okay and feel safe and secure in your decision. Good luck to you, whatever you decide, you'll be okay