[ButterNoodles]

I love my best friend. She is the nicest, smartest, most loving and beautiful and funny and blah blah blah girl in the world.... but lately she has been disrespecting me a LOT.

She is like any other human and goes through bad days or weeks, but she also can treat me bad regardless of whether or not she is going through these rough periods. I used to be a massive jerk who was rude to everybody, and her as well. I am very glad I have changed that and have started treating people much nicer and more thoughtfully, but I feel like she doesn't recognize this in me. It has been a major struggle to treat people better, and while I still lie and admittedly manipulate people sometimes, I try my hardest to respect them and their choices, to stand up for others, and to treat them kindly. But whenever she is disrespecting me, she spews out this long rant about all of my flaws I have worked so hard to overcome. I'm so ridiculous, I'm so disrespectful, I'm so high maintenance, I don't recognize or thank others, I'm too entitled, too moody, I change my mind too much, I am lazy, too angry, I don't consider her feelings... but where on earth in this is she considering mine, and all the hard work I have done to better myself?
I don't really talk about my issues with anybody. The reason I am here is personal, and she does respect that boundary. She knows I am "crazy" as we say, because I joke about it often to cope. She joins in too, and it really does make me feel better, more like a person. But she really doesn't know about how deep all these things go and how hard they make everyday life. And then when I try to bring up how I feel she is treating me... the vicious cycle starts again. And it all comes back to me. She is ALWAYS treating me badly in "self defense", no matter how many times she has said something rude and hurtful out of nowhere or as a response to me being kind or helpful.

I really do love her and I am not just going to abandon her, she is my best friend. But these relationship issues are really wearing me down mentally. We consider our relationship to be extremely important and a best friend break up isn't an option. I feel like this is a normal thing friends go through, but seeing as I am, well, HERE, the problem is a bit more complicated. Any advice?

[A Red Panda]

Well.... to start with... how long have you been friends and how long has it been since you've been trying to change?

If you have been rude and horrible to her for a long time or that, it WILL take a while to earn her forgiveness and to prove that you have changed. That doesn't happen overnight. And no matter what you do... or how genuine you are.... you can't rush that. It's unfortunately the product of your choices in the past. It is really hard to start accepting that someone is now being genuine when in the past they have been the exact opposite, so when they start acting that way.... well, you doubt it.

To use my brother as an example: my brother is a terrible person to me and my parents. My mom has been pretty bad too. My brother will act nice when he wants something in particular - his voice even changes when he starts to be manipulative. So... I shut it down instantly. Of course, then he gets pissed off with me because he was "just trying to be nice"... and that works for him because he is still coming out in his own head as the nice person and victim, which is what he wants. He'll keep going until it ends up that way anyway. There have probably been various times where he actually WAS sincere... but why or how would I believe that? There is no way to tell the difference.

Do you go to therapy? Do you have a diagnosis? If so... you could talk about those with her. You could explain what the issue actually is, and you could talk about the things you're working on with your therapist. That might help her with helping you to make adjustments and it might help her start to accept them.

But then.. it's always hard to heard bad things about yourselfs, and it really stinks that you're feeling so hurt. You may just have to continue going "I understand you feel that way, but this isn't helping either of us so can we start a new topic?" or something like that.

[ButterNoodles]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Well.... to start with... how long have you been friends and how long has it been since you've been trying to change?

If you have been rude and horrible to her for a long time or that, it WILL take a while to earn her forgiveness and to prove that you have changed. That doesn't happen overnight. And no matter what you do... or how genuine you are.... you can't rush that. It's unfortunately the product of your choices in the past. It is really hard to start accepting that someone is now being genuine when in the past they have been the exact opposite, so when they start acting that way.... well, you doubt it.

To use my brother as an example: my brother is a terrible person to me and my parents. My mom has been pretty bad too. My brother will act nice when he wants something in particular - his voice even changes when he starts to be manipulative. So... I shut it down instantly. Of course, then he gets pissed off with me because he was "just trying to be nice"... and that works for him because he is still coming out in his own head as the nice person and victim, which is what he wants. He'll keep going until it ends up that way anyway. There have probably been various times where he actually WAS sincere... but why or how would I believe that? There is no way to tell the difference.

Do you go to therapy? Do you have a diagnosis? If so... you could talk about those with her. You could explain what the issue actually is, and you could talk about the things you're working on with your therapist. That might help her with helping you to make adjustments and it might help her start to accept them.

But then.. it's always hard to heard bad things about yourselfs, and it really stinks that you're feeling so hurt. You may just have to continue going "I understand you feel that way, but this isn't helping either of us so can we start a new topic?" or something like that.

She and I have been best friends since middle school, juniors now. I never had a ton of friends so she and I have always been pretty close.
I was a major jerk when I had a really rough time in my sophomore year. I had always been kind of hard to keep up with but never as rude as I was during that big and very hard episode of depression. She stayed with me through it but our behaviors are very different. I was just cynical and unkind in my refusal to help others, how I talked about other people, etc. She says very rude things to my face and in third person about me in front of other people we are with. I was definitely not a good person back then but I was not so blatant about it. If this makes any sense, which it probably doesnt.

I am about to enter therapy for some really unfun things - bipolar, IED, trich, panic disorder, all that fun stuff. She knows I am about to go to therapy and she was the one who encouraged me to get checked out because she was concerned about me. I don't feel comfortable really discussing things in depth with people and she has never pushed me to talk about it.

It is just hard to explain to her that I am aware of my past actions and how wrong they were and how hard I have worked to better myself, and why I feel her actions now are inappropriate, because she isn't doing anything more than what I did to her before. And lying and manipulation are things that I know I am going to need therapy to help. I have really increased in that as I have gone through more manic episodes, and manipulation is usually things of mild or little consequence but in a high frequency.

I know I am not the best friend in the world, but I guess I just feel her actions are not justified because over the past year I have been a better person than I have ever been, and apologized for old actions.

[RamblinClementine]

I used to only confide in one person but I think different people will understand and respect you in different ways and it may be good to try to open up to more than one person. That way you get different perspectives on things and also some people are better at listening, some are better at advice, etc.

I had a best friend who over the years has changed so much it's mostly not worth telling her about my current issues! It's pretty funny especially because now, after 12 years of being good friends, she lives three blocks away. But when I confide in her she doesn't see eye-to-eye with me. Our values have changed over time.

[A Red Panda]

I fully believe that you need to continue pointing out to her her own bad behaviour - it's ok for her to not really forgive or believe you yet, but it also doesn't excuse her OWN bad behaviour - and talking about you to others is just not appropiate. At least if she's just saying it to your face then it can be seen as honesty, but talking about you and your history together isn't appropriate in front of other people.

You don't have to talk to her about things in depth - but letting her know when you have a tentative diagnosis or an official one might help. You don't have to go too much into detail yourself, but you could always find her a website to read.