Was I his manic episode?

Hello, I'm a separated mother of 2 who started a relationship with a coworker several months ago. He is quite a bit younger than me so we were friends for a long time, as I couldn't imagine being romantically involved. As well, I didn't want to damage what a great friendship we had. He had a girlfriend he was planning on breaking up with but was trying to give it time and make sure he'd done everything he could before he ended it.

However, I couldn't help it anymore and professed my love, which was returned mutually. We talked about logistics - could he love someone with kids? Is he going to break up with the girlfriend? Does he mind that I'm older? Every question was met with emphatic excitement and positivity. We just felt so lucky to have found each other, we were waking on air. We wrote emails back and forth that "romantic" doesn't begin to describe. I'd never had anyone feel this way before.

Then his girlfriend ended the relationship herself by cheating. This devastated him as he said it had happened before. Still, he'd express sadness but also told me how lucky we were to be getting our own chance. He told me he loved me.

Then something happened and I don't now what. One day he just wasn't there anymore. Sort of still him but not. He said he had no idea how he felt. From here we broke up and made up 3 or so times. Each the pattern being love, sex, total withdrawl, my calling him out on it and ending things, him coming back, love, sex, etc. when he's "here", I don't even need a profession of love - I can tell. When he's gone, he looks terrified and sad and empty.

Finally this week he said he feels nothing for me. That he can't believe all those things he ever wrote or felt, because he sure doesn't now. He stared at me and said he's sorry he dragged me into this, but he was going through something - something he'd been through 2 years ago that he didn't want to comment on. Something in which he "did something" in front of his family and now he's labeled as having risky behavior. He was crying and shaking saying this. Saying he's vulnerable and an emotional wreck. He said its not me at all. But he said he truly feels nothing whatsoever and doesn't know when it went away. But I asked him if I pushed him and he said "maybe". He said he still has feeling for the ex who cheated (even though I'm not sure he had feelings for her even when we were just friends months before).

We had made life plans. We had talked about our future. We had said we loved each other. I've never - even with my husband - had this kind if mutual adoration with anyone. We were great friends for about 9 months before we were anything else. I hate seeing him struggle. He's has the nicest soul I've ever seen.

Right now, I'm here for him as a friend, which he seems to appreciate. Was our "relationship" just a manic episode?

Hi, Susie, and welcome! I am bipolar myself and his behavior doesn't sound like a manic episode to me. It's possible he had a personality disorder such as borderline, but I am no expert and I am just speculating. But you might read about that to see if anything about it strikes a chord with you.

I am sorry this experience happened. For whatever reason, it sounds like he is not a good match.

Let's see what other folks say, though.

Thanks, travelinglady- I suffer from SAD and severe anxiety/panic, so I'm not sure what it is and he's never told me, if he knows. But he has demonstrated many of he behaviors I've read about in those with hypomania. All summer he "felt like he could do anything" and "wished he could bottle the feeling" and now is in an anxious depth. I'm not delusional, but I don't think he doesn't love me anymore. Or, if he did, it was a false reality. I wish I knew, but I'm afraid I may never. Thank you for replying!

I wonder if he would be willing to see a counselor. Honestly, he sounds like he is struggling more than you could help, even if he wanted your help. I really don't think you should push him about your relationship, although I can understand why you would want to stick by him.

I agree but I might also add, this may not necessarily have to do with any disorder at all. It sounds like he was cheated on not long ago and she kind of caught him after the fall. That's always a rocky beginning and he's probably still reeling from being cheated on. He may even be pretty jaded when it comes to women altogether which could be interfering with his feelings for her.

Just my two cents.

He's currently seeing a therapist - started right after she cheated and left. But we were together through it and he'd talk to me. So apparently the denial of how much it hurt him has worn off. He's being treated via cognitive behavioral therapy for his negative thinking about himself, previous risky behavior (assuming suicide attempt) and anxiety/depression.

I don't think he's jaded - in fact he's so hard on himself he blames himself for all the cheating anyone's done on him. He was once described to me as someone who looks "embarrassed to be alive". He's so kind and sad and out new found "friendship" has somehow been great. It's actually exactly like when we first met with talking all day, texting, laughing. Which is weird considering we spent a romantic weekend away three week ago. The only difference is now his distance. He'll look off every so often and just not be there. He cries easily and he's tired all the time. Wants to be alone all the time.

I know it's selfish but I'm having a hard week. I was so happy to just be there for him seeing him in so much pain I put my own aside. Now today though, I look at myself getting dressed and wonder, did I just repel him? Who just shuts down a relationship but still feels comfortable being as close talking-wise as ever. Acknowledging l the weird "I was just thinking that!" Stuff we have together. He says he's numb. I've read this might be a symptom and he'll be back - not that I'm counting on it. I'm just upset for myself today. We had so many plans. Tickets to things. But he has trouble deciding what to do for lunch now. I'm so completely heartbroken.

Well he may not be jaded about women, but clearly he is about himself

I am happy that he's in therapy. It's very painful to be cheated on and it really affects people when that happens to them. I hope it helps you both to come together again, and hopefully closer than ever.

Hang in there!

I'm sorry you went through this, it's very disorienting and sad. I went through something very similar a while back. The best thing in these scenarios is to try and take care of yourself and focus on your life. There are other fish in the pond.