[OuttaControl2]

I don't know where to start so bear with me please. my wife and I are both bipolar she is also an addict and I may be too but I'm not sure. we've been together for nearly 6 years and just last week she decided to tell me that she's been lying to me and was using again and that she wanted to go to rehab. but the fact of the matter is that like me she uses in order to not deal with her mental health issues And not face the pain and work involved in therapy. I take my meds and see a therapist regularly and I thought I had dealt with my codependancy issues but the fact that she can turn life upside down like this tells me I haven't. she says that she gets it this time and that she knows she has to be strong for her and I have to be strong for me And then and only then can we be strong together but after 6 years I'm not sure I have the strength to go through battle again and put all of my needs on hold AGAIN. I'm beginning to build resentment and I feel I'm at my threshold for pain. how can she ask me to support her through this and stay with her I feel like she's selfish and then that makes me feel horrible but the reality of all of this is that until she handles her business she can not possibly meet my needs in this marriage and I'm not sure I can keep being supportive of someone who is incapable of supporting me... anybody have any thoughts?I guess I really just need to talk

[timj]

I wish I could offer something to comfort you and make you feel better. You clearly are a good person being pushed to the limits of love and caring. In my own marriage, my wife and I recently ran into problems that we are still dealing with, but what got us through the most recent problems is that we both still love each other. Do you think you both really love each other? It's pretty amazing what you can survive if you do, not sure what would of happened if my wife and I didn't still deep down care for each other.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by OuttaControl2

she says that she gets it this time and that she knows she has to be strong for her and I have to be strong for me

I would pretty much hold her to that; rehab and what help she gets herself after she finishes rehab will help tell you what you need to do for yourself?

[spondiferous]

I agree. Maybe do a little self-reflecting on what you need for yourself to heal. If at all possible, don't even think about it at all in the context of the relationship. Take the opportunity to do exactly what you need to do to feel well in whatever sense it is that you feel you need to address.

[OuttaControl2]

I know I have to worry about me and she needs to worry about her but for me this seems much easier said than done... And I hate the motto of AA and NA I know I'm not an addict so maybe I just don't get it but I feel like "I am powerless over my addiction" And "it's a disease" are cop out statements (for some not for all) My issues with my wife are and always have been that she won't take responsibility for her actions for example we were 3 months into her addressing her her own behaviors and childhood issues in therapy and going through couples counseling to repair our marriage, it got painful (because life is sometimes painful) And she stopped going to therapy and is now magically an addict so we have to stop dealing with her emotional issues and she "had to focus on recovery" so I'm on hold again This has been the cycle over and over and I get that the two issues go hand in hand but she needs to address both not keep pausing one and hiding behind the other and she doesn't get it. I've been in therapy most of my life I know how painful it can be, but it won't fix anything unless she lets it. it wasn't easy for me to address my father leaving our my grandfather dying or the emotional mental and physical abuse from my step father or that I was raped at 16 or that my best friend was set on fire And burned to death when I was 25 but I knew that running around drinking and doing cocaine was not working for me anymore so I thought I'd try it a different way and guess what it worked. now I'm I'm no way trying to say I'm all better or better than her but I have come a long way I know this because my reaction this time was better, I did not self mutilate or drink or do drugs because I have finally accepted that her fight is not mine. I just hope this time that she will stand up and fight for her life and it can't be for me it has to be for her and the price at the end is the "normal life" she's always wanted the past I'm still trying to process is that it might not be with me :'(

[OuttaControl2]

And I just read both of my posts and realize I'm going in a circle and repeating myself... crap

[OuttaControl2]

Wow that was a dangerous post. Those are not cop out statements I am an addict and that was definitely my addiction coming out. I'm Sorry I hope I didn't trigger anybody. Keep fighting guys I'm back on track. My wife and I are not fine yet but on our way at least.