[Iamwho]

Whoa, hubs getting more and more angry and hostile. I have been coming out of my shell and standing up for myself lately and he has threatened to put me out and now physically threatening me. He doesn't seem to want me to assert myself in any way that effects him. That is unless I am taking care of his needs. things like bringing him food, washing his clothes, cleaning. taking out the trash. writing checks to pay bills etc..

How should I react or respond or change my behavior. I let him walk away and when he returned to take his meds I told him I wasn't afraid of him. His response was "I don't care".

We have been married for 38 years, most of which I just went along with everything. He is an alcoholic with an addictive personality (don't they all?). He has been on pain meds, for a back injury, for over 10 years. A few years ago his 2 grown daughters, that he gave up his custody to when they were about 2-3 years old, got back in touch with him.

There has been a a lot of contact and visits to see them, despite them being in another state. One with 2 boys did severe contact with him after he visited and was drinking again. She did call him when he was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer. He is 3 months out from radiation treatment and so far no more cancer. I have been his sole caretaker and saved his life when he went into respiratory failure after a radiation treatment.

I'm trying to go with the flow.

His other daughter has been wanting to move in and include her daughter(and boyfriend)and our great grand daughter. The grand daughter has spent summers with us, lived with us(as a teenager) and the daughter also lived with us. This ended when hubs got fired for costing his employer alot of $, due to neglect. This was very out of character for him! Before that he was fired from his long time employment for failure to adjust his attitude.

I don't know if I can keep going with this flow. Please give me some opinions, ideas or sugestions about any or all of this.

I am a little torn.... because I feel that I do not have the "whole story".

38 years of marriage. Hubby has cancer (I think I read that you said he is sick)....

Those issues give me SOME pause.

However, that being said...... My knee jerk reaction to anyone who is receiving physical or mental abuse. Or even the threat of abuse (which I view as emotional abuse) - is never, ever, ever, ever acceptable.

I do not know your specific situation and I do not know what his issues are. But if he has harmed you or threatened to harm you - then KICK HIS BUTT TO THE CURB. At a minimum - this bold measure may be the *loving* response that he needs experience so that he realizes that he has crossed a boundary that he can not cross.

He OWES you a serious apology and a change in behavior.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Iamwho

Whoa, hubs getting more and more angry and hostile. I have been coming out of my shell and standing up for myself lately and he has threatened to put me out and now physically threatening me. He doesn't seem to want me to assert myself in any way that effects him. That is unless I am taking care of his needs. things like bringing him food, washing his clothes, cleaning. taking out the trash. writing checks to pay bills etc..

How should I react or respond or change my behavior. I let him walk away and when he returned to take his meds I told him I wasn't afraid of him. His response was "I don't care".

We have been married for 38 years, most of which I just went along with everything. He is an alcoholic with an addictive personality (don't they all?). He has been on pain meds, for a back injury, for over 10 years. A few years ago his 2 grown daughters, that he gave up his custody to when they were about 2-3 years old, got back in touch with him.

There has been a a lot of contact and visits to see them, despite them being in another state. One with 2 boys did severe contact with him after he visited and was drinking again. She did call him when he was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer. He is 3 months out from radiation treatment and so far no more cancer. I have been his sole caretaker and saved his life when he went into respiratory failure after a radiation treatment.

I'm trying to go with the flow.

His other daughter has been wanting to move in and include her daughter(and boyfriend)and our great grand daughter. The grand daughter has spent summers with us, lived with us(as a teenager) and the daughter also lived with us. This ended when hubs got fired for costing his employer alot of $, due to neglect. This was very out of character for him! Before that he was fired from his long time employment for failure to adjust his attitude.

I don't know if I can keep going with this flow. Please give me some opinions, ideas or sugestions about any or all of this.

No. Just ... no.

A husband is a partner in the relationship. He should cook for you at times, do the laundry at times. He should share in the responsibilities.
A husband never threatens his wife physically.
Alcoholism ... addiction to pain pills.

Kick him to the curb. You deserve better and you're in a potentially dangerous situation.

[Iamwho]

Thanks Useless me and Webgoji for your opinions. Hubs became less hostile when a mutual friend and his helper came over today, to do some installation work. He still is prickly and more so after they left.

Hubs may have taken too much morphine. He thought it was Wed because his Tue pills were gone. It seems he took them all and started on Wed pills. I did notice the last 2 days he had wide open, red, glassy eyes when he came out of his room. He has in the recent past, unintentionally taken too many pain pills. That is why we use a weekly pill box. I used to fill it for him but he accused me of not putting in the right amount of pills.

I am not sure what I will do. He does not seem to know that threatening me isn't right, or he just wont admit it. I can't just let this slide.

[turquoisesea]

I agree with Useless Me, that I feel I don't know the whole situation and might be very off.

This just reminded me of something my therapist said about relationships. We were talking about parents and children... and how as relationships become established, they tend to settle into patterns. Once these patterns are established they are very difficult to change. Therefore when you want to stand up for yourself in situations in which you have previously buckled you must expect some whiplash right back at you for "breaking the pattern".

It sounds like you are making some positive changes for youself and that you need to stand up for yourself against a hubby who is not doing well. Just take things slow and make sure you have a backup lan in case he gets violent or hurtful towards you emotionally?

[Iamwho]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I agree with Useless Me, that I feel I don't know the whole situation and might be very off.

This just reminded me of something my therapist said about relationships. We were talking about parents and children... and how as relationships become established, they tend to settle into patterns. Once these patterns are established they are very difficult to change. Therefore when you want to stand up for yourself in situations in which you have previously buckled you must expect some whiplash right back at you for "breaking the pattern".

It sounds like you are making some positive changes for youself and that you need to stand up for yourself against a hubby who is not doing well. Just take things slow and make sure you have a backup lan in case he gets violent or hurtful towards you emotionally?

I forgot about the whiplash effect. Decades of having everything taken care of for you is hard to change. Hard for both of us to change. He always told me he thought I would die first. I don't know why, I am 7 yrs. younger than him.

My dying first is why he needs to learn to take care of himself. Of course he could probably find another woman to do take care of him. Wow, that seems so much like mothering.