[traysea101]

I am a 46 y/o old woman dating a 42 y/o man/boy. Please forgive my meaness as I am totally done with him and this is the reason why. I will spare you all the incensitive stories that's he's done in the past and fast forward to why I am here now. I will do my best to make is short.
My BF has a sister who is a complete over the top narcasist. She calls when she wants to, and expects you to pick up, but doesn't pick up when you call her. She comes when she wants to and doesn't when she doens't feel like it, not even a phone call to apologize, etc. She lies, and uses intimidation skills on her brother that I see right through. She is my age, and she even gave her little brother I beleive when he was 12 or 13 Acid and this may have contributed to his inability to think on his own. Don't get me wrong, I have to say he's one of the nicest guys you'd meet. But, and I hate to say this but again I am not in such a good mood, he's stupid. I say this because he sits there like a bump on a log when it comes to having a conversation about anything intellectual, or having anytbing remedial to say. I've known this for a long time and I guess I've just made up excusses in my head to put up with it, because honestly, he's trustworthy and I have a hard time trusting due to the leftovers out here where I live. Although I'm not Jaded...just not looking.

ANYWAY, for Thanksgiving, I wanted to prove a point in a sense. Back in July his sister calls him up telling him HE needs to make flight arrangements to go to Florida to see their mother for Thanksgiving. It was one of those calls, "YOU NEED TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS NOW", etc type deals. One...I thought it was od that ONE would really be thinking about Thanksgiving in JUlY? TWO...He's 42, let him make his own FN decision. SO, after he telling him that she made her flights, etc...I tested her with a text message and said, "Hey, what are you doing for Thanksgiving, do you want to come here?" Now I just texted her approx 1.5 weeks ago...And her response was, "Sure! I'd love to come"
She never made arrangements.
So, anyway, I wanted to prove my point but as this point, I also had to suck it up and invite her, which I really had no problem doing so. Just the kind of person that I am. The next day, she texts me, "what about Uncle Gary" and I say, sure, bring em on. No problem I thought, and I also had a feeling he'd bring his 2 kids, even that wasn't a problem. And although I started getting a little nervous about seating, enough room, etc... I also invited my BFs step mother (she had just lost her husband a few months prior, which was also my BFs dad) So to bring the total up with Adults/their Spouses and kids, I was in the area of around 13 ppl total and was starting to stress a bit again, about enough room etc. THEN the NEXT DAY I get ANOTHER text from his Sister,"Hey, Jon, Joyce JOnny, Lori, and Tyson are comming too!" She sent this without, "IS it okay if I bring......." It was just "they're comming"

Now when I read this, I was in shock. Not so much because of the ppl, but because she didn't even have the audacity to ask if it was okay to bring 5 more ppl. SO...I go to my BF, I did a little complaining about his sister, and I MEAN A LITTLE....and he just sat there. Again, like a bump on a log. Says nothing and then I push him a little (verbally) and say, "What the hell?" It was as though he didn't know what answer to give me and all of a sudden he stands up and says, "WHY DID YOU INVITE MY FAMILY IF YOU HATE THEM!"

ALL I CAN SAY IS....WTF?!!!!! THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!
ANYWAY, I know this is a long *** letter, but for days, I kept reliving in my head the way he answered and handled the situation and all I was really looking for was, "You're right honey, she should have asked" I mean, some kind of an understanding. I've got almost 20 family members of his, not mine, coming over to MY HOME< NOT HIS, COOKING FOR ALL OF THEM< NOT HIM...ANd that was the answer I got. There's been many other insensitive things I could give examples of, but I'd be writting a book, and besides, I don't even know if anyone is still up reading this letter thus far without falling asleep...sorry for the lengthy letter. I needed to get this off my chest.

The long and short of is all, Is that I couldn't deal with it, called off the dinner, in which I tried SO hard not to, and I told my BF to move out. Trust me, there's a lot more to this story, this one was the straw that broke the camels back. HE had sided with his sister and kept telling me, "well that's the way Kathy is...blah blah blah, and I have a big family....."

That' again is NOT THE POINT, the point is his insensitiveness and to boot, his sister plays mind games with both him and I, again, I see this, HE still see's purple haze! LOL....GOtta laugh. SOS. Please Advise if you didn't pass out. Am I wrong??
Thank you...please tip your waiters....sorry, I'm delirious now!

[gayleggg]

That is a dinner that got out of hand. Congratulations for finally saying enough is enough.

[Travelinglady]

Wow, talk about things getting out of hand. I seem to remember a recent letter to "Dear Abby" about this very issue.

I think it sounds like your boyfriend was getting defensive, worrying about how his relatives would respond. Frankly many of us seem to regress when it comes to dealing with holidays and relatives, not wanting to hurt their feelings, etc.

That said, I agree that it would have been nice had he agreed with you. I think his sister played a major role in this situation, as you suspect.

I think you were right to speak up. I will take your word that you have many reasons why this guy had to go. His sister would certainly be a strike against him, especially if he persistently takes her side.

[traysea101]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Wow, talk about things getting out of hand. I seem to remember a recent letter to "Dear Abby" about this very issue.

I think it sounds like your boyfriend was getting defensive, worrying about how his relatives would respond. Frankly many of us seem to regress when it comes to dealing with holidays and relatives, not wanting to hurt their feelings, etc.

That said, I agree that it would have been nice had he agreed with you. I think his sister played a major role in this situation, as you suspect.

I think you were right to speak up. I will take your word that you have many reasons why this guy had to go. His sister would certainly be a strike against him, especially if he persistently takes her side.

Thank you for your reply...I really appreciate it. Felt as tho I was being too crazy about it...He's moving out, something long over due. Like I said, broke the camel's back. Thanks again!

I think you made the right move by canceling the dinner. And it sounds like you are not a compatible couple and there have been past problems, as you said. Kudos to you to break it off.

I'm familiar with narcissists -my ex-husband and my brother. I can understand how a person can get unknowingly wrapped around their finger, be manipulated, etc. It's an awful thing but it sounds like your ex-boyfriend had that unfortunate dynamic with his sister. There is no room for a healthy relationship with you and him, in my opinion. He would need counseling, accepting who his sister really is, and creating extremely firm boundaries to protect your relationship and, his own self, IMO. I handled my situation by divorcing my narcissistic husband after many years and went "no contact" with my brother two years ago.

Stay strong and continue believing in yourself. =]

[traysea101]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

I think you made the right move by canceling the dinner. And it sounds like you are not a compatible couple and there have been past problems, as you said. Kudos to you to break it off.

I'm familiar with narcissists -my ex-husband and my brother. I can understand how a person can get unknowingly wrapped around their finger, be manipulated, etc. It's an awful thing but it sounds like your ex-boyfriend had that unfortunate dynamic with his sister. There is no room for a healthy relationship with you and him, in my opinion. He would need counseling, accepting who his sister really is, and creating extremely firm boundaries to protect your relationship and, his own self, IMO. I handled my situation by divorcing my narcissistic husband after many years and went "no contact" with my brother two years ago.

Stay strong and continue believing in yourself. =]

Thank you very much for your input. I also believe that a lot of "us" who find ourselves involved with Narcissistic personalities, it's something within ourselves that lower ourselves, or our needs, in order to take care theirs.
IN time, we learn what we will tolerate, and what WE don't. These are steps of learning and living within aging and maturing. I've learned this. I will under no circumstances accept toxic people in my life...and lately, I see most ppl are either all about themselves, or just too stupid to stand up for themselves. Either way, I have no patience for either. I'd rather be alone where I know I love, respect, and appreciate myself as opposed to lowering my standards to be abused by someone else. Good luck to you as well. And thanks again for your reply.