Just Joined - Getting straight to the issues

Happy Holidays? Except not, lol. Well, that's not completely true, I am quite grateful for the immediate family I have. Hubbie, three munchkins, annoying yet cute little dog. They are great. It's the rest of my family I struggle with. Mom is easy, she is involved, as much as she can be. I expect more than she is able to offer and that leads to a bit of frustration for me but that's my prob, but she isn't what makes the holiday difficult. Dad on the other hand, quick back story, never really been there for me...yet around the holidays I feel just terrible aweful guilty for not making an effort to contact him. It really hurts to feel like he would not blink an eye at my absence in his life. He and my mom divorced before I was one, or two. He made minimal effort to spend time with me. So, to feel like your father doesn't care about you is pretty bogus. Now add my kids and I really feel akward. My kids are like, ? grandpa who?. Anyways, I get it, maybe...he has his own demons to fight. Can someone tell me where to find the guilt switch? It's so weird as I write this, I see its silly for me to care when he doesn't. I get pretty worked up over it, especially when I see my uncle, his brother. They told me I was trying too hard. I want a better relationship with my dad but how, when he isn't there? I want my kids to know their grandfather, but how when he doesn't reach out to us? The last time I asked him to meet with me and the kids, he no showed. Didn't call, but emailed me the next day that he was just tired. I emailed back expressing my feelings about how crappy it was that he did this to me as a kid, but that I wouldn't let my kids learn to allow people to disregard them. A phone call to cancel would have been just fine. Believe me, I have three kids, all under ten yrs old, one with special needs. I get tired. Thanks for listening. God Bless.

Hi Move...yes Happy Holidays. I am sorry that your dad has not been part of your life because it obviously was and is important to you. But since he not does not want to be, or maybe is just not capable to that type of relationship it may be best for your kids not to hear about him only to be disappointed like you have been. Maybe make the focus about your immediate family which sounds happy and loving.
We can not make someone change. We can not expect someone to be what we would like them to be even though it seems like they should want what we want! Like the family holiday thing. The situation with our dad seems to be his problem and not yours so it is not in your control. Sad yes, but hopefully you can focus on the others around you

You're maybe also letting him win this game if you want to call it that, he most likely knows that you care but he doesn' t want the responsibility of your family or can't handle it. I just say to leave him alone and see what happens he may surprise you. You shouldn't be the one with the guilt to carry, it should be him.

You know about being a father. it's not so immediate, like being a mother is. Possibly there is no instinct. You need to learn it all, day by day.

He never learned. He never got to know you. He may be scared. He may think that you judge him, hate him or are angry at him.
Or maybe he never tried his father side and is really scared of disappointing you.

Of course it's just an idea.
WHat does your uncle say about his brother? He could be a link to understand your father better.

If you want to reach out for him, do it. Send a card, an e.mail, a phone call, anything. Don't expect his answer. Just do it because it is right for you, because it will make you feel better.

You never had habits with your father, he doesn't know you, but he is your father. It's a difficult situation, not everyone can face something like that.

Ask your uncle what's best for you to do.
Why not meer 'casually' at uncle's house? once, twice, even 3 or 4 times and then…. hopefully some kind of relationship will build and the 2 of you may be able to start a cautious acquaintance.

Maybe he is scared of the kids. Who knows?

Just remember that if he didn't show up doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care for you, but that maybe he's scared and feels the same guilt that paralyses you when you want to call and make contact.

Happy holidays

Maybe your uncle could fill the role of a grandfatherly figure?

Sorry, your father, isn't seeing this, eye to eye, with you. Lots of kids grow up without grandparents.

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