[Mid-Life-Larry]

The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek. I know it's ME who makes ME feel the way I feel.

Yet, I can honestly say: I FEEL like crap when I am around her.
I FEEL resentment coming from her. I FEEL unwanted and unloved by her. I walk on egg-shells.....
Why is everything I do met with such criticism?
If I sneeze, I'm too loud.... If I take a day off of work, I'm lazy..... If I cook something, it's too salty/smokey/dry/fattening ..... How is she so critical of me one minute, then pick up the phone and talk to ANYONE else with such love, attention and sympathy

How did I let her take control of my emotions like this??? Why do I give her so much power???? Why do I seek approval so badly?????

Fourteen years I 'slept'.... but now I am waking up... slowly, but, YES... I am awake now..... and I am starting to get in touch with ME.... But, the more I wake up the clearer it becomes: WE are on different roads, different wavelengths, more-so, we are going in different directions. When I bring up the need for outside marriage help or counseling.... I am accused of being TOOOO sensitive... TOO emotional.... TOO dramatic....
For a while, I believe it... until my senses come back to me and I snap out of it.

Now what????

My insecure self-punishing voice tells me, "it's your own fault... it's your own doing, so live with it... it is the bed you have made!!"

But, the my enlightened and awakening part of me says, "you deserve more... you deserve better"....
Then the internal fight begins...
"what will others say???..... because of my decades old facade..... family members, will think it is ME who is the selfish one... it is ME who destroyed the marriage... it is ME who is the horrible person for seeking happiness..."

Now what??????

[healingme4me]

She won't go to marriage counseling, and clearly, isn't taking a good listen to the man she.vowed to cherish.

since when are sneezes, too loud?

Maybe you'll surprise yourself, realizing these others, you fear judgment from, aren't remotely close to taking her side
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Maybe she's still "asleep". You've got to be honest and communicate these things with her or you could be heading down a path that would be bad for your marriage. Just keep trying to talk and if she says you're being too anything let her know you are heading in a different direction. She needs to wake up too like you are.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by Mid-Life-Larry

The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek. I know it's ME who makes ME feel the way I feel.

Yet, I can honestly say: I FEEL like crap when I am around her.
I FEEL resentment coming from her. I FEEL unwanted and unloved by her. I walk on egg-shells.....
Why is everything I do met with such criticism?
If I sneeze, I'm too loud.... If I take a day off of work, I'm lazy..... If I cook something, it's too salty/smokey/dry/fattening ..... How is she so critical of me one minute, then pick up the phone and talk to ANYONE else with such love, attention and sympathy

How did I let her take control of my emotions like this??? Why do I give her so much power???? Why do I seek approval so badly?????

Fourteen years I 'slept'.... but now I am waking up... slowly, but, YES... I am awake now..... and I am starting to get in touch with ME.... But, the more I wake up the clearer it becomes: WE are on different roads, different wavelengths, more-so, we are going in different directions. When I bring up the need for outside marriage help or counseling.... I am accused of being TOOOO sensitive... TOO emotional.... TOO dramatic....
For a while, I believe it... until my senses come back to me and I snap out of it.

Now what????

My insecure self-punishing voice tells me, "it's your own fault... it's your own doing, so live with it... it is the bed you have made!!"

But, the my enlightened and awakening part of me says, "you deserve more... you deserve better"....
Then the internal fight begins...
"what will others say???..... because of my decades old facade..... family members, will think it is ME who is the selfish one... it is ME who destroyed the marriage... it is ME who is the horrible person for seeking happiness..."

Now what??????

Some just don't realise what they have until they lose it. Marriage isn't simple and I believe that both should be involved in making it work in the best way, because love and marriage is beautiful, every single person here would probably give anything to have someone by their side. You obviously have some problems you need to talk about, maybe sneezing isn't your biggest problem at all.. There must be some communication involved without judgement.
Was she always saying that you are sensitive?
And btw.. I was always seeking for approval from the one I loved/love. But I realise now that you should be loved the way you are.
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[Mid-Life-Larry]

Thanks.. all of you added a different perspective...

[Catmom3]

For a marriage to work, both people need to put in the effort... if it gets lopsided too long, it is bound to fail. If she doesn't wake up and realize she needs to show you some real appreciation and not just criticize you, she's going to lose you.

Maybe you should teach her about the "compliment sandwich" which is to share something you LIKE about the thing/person, then a constructive, not destructive criticism, then another valid compliment.... makes the criticism easier to digest and process.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello Mid-Life-Larry-

Making a marriage work needs to be the priority for both people. It is a challenge-as you know-to keep a marriage going and can be very difficult when things get rocky. I know this from personal experience. I am divorced. The person I was married to refused to go to counseling with me, even though we had major problems. I know that some marriages don't work out but he didn't even try to make things work-in fact he actively did things that were harmful to our marriage instead. It was a devastating experience, not just because of the things he did, such as being unfaithful, but because he didn't even try to make things work. It sounds like you have been trying. If you feel that you have done what you can to mend the problems in the marriage I think there comes a time when you have to think about your own well being.

If you are miserable, if you constantly feel worse about yourself when interacting with this person and if you are criticized as being too sensitive, dramatic and emotional when you try to talk about your feelings and your experiences I think you have to start thinking about your needs. I think that marriages take a lot of constant work and effort but I can't think of anything worse than being in a marriage-or any relationship-where the other person feels worse about themselves, as you described. I would not want to hold someone in a relationship because they feel obligated to be there. If you feel that you have done what you can to make things work you owe it to yourself to think about what you need to be happy. You do deserve to be treated with care and respect. If you need someone to talk to about all of this don't hesitate to message me. I wish you all the best-as you so deserve.