[bilbao7]

Sorry this is long. So just a little background, my mom and I have always been pretty close especially since I got married and became more of an adult. Before i was married she was really hard on me constantly. I grew up in a very anxiety filled high emotion household where my mom's way of communicating was yelling and guilt trips. Most of the pressure was always on me and not my brother even though my brother was the one always making mistakes and not ever caring what my parents thought. They expected a lot from me and when i didnt agree with them even on the most simplest things, I was punished.

Well about 5 months ago my husband and i separated. We call ourselves divorced because the only thing that is keeping us "married" is a piece of paper that takes until April to go through. We have been like roommates for years now and did not have a marriage. So needless to say, it was easy for both of us to move on quickly. He met someone quickly and so did I. But ever since my separation, my mom has been overbearing. Trying to give me money. Expecting i call her back everyday within hours. Lecturing me on every day decisions i make. If i dont call her back right away she wants to know what is going on in my life even thoughw e talk all the time and i tell her everything. Because of my separation i needed distance and asked for that respect and she didnt follow. Mind you im 30 yrs old. I told her things are hard fo rme right now and i need some space to figure things out. So thanksgiving comes around and im with her from 12 pm to 8pm. All day. She wanted me to spend the night and i told her i wasnt feeling good and wanted to sleep in my own bed. So she began yelling and asked me to leave and wanted to know what else could i have going on. So endedup having no choice but to leave. Now xmas is here, im closer with my new man and yes its moving fast and we r thinking of living together (but there are multiple reasons for that which is another story). She has never met him and i told her i would like to bring him over for xmas mainly because he doesnt have family here and nowhere to go and i feel its wrong to leave him alone on xmas even though he says its ok. I told her he means a lot to me and regardless if she thinks its too fast, she should put that aside and support me. She refused and told me not to bother to even come by for a few hours on my own. She told me im pushing them away and choosing someone over her and that she hopes i have a good life. All sarcasm. She constantly makes everything i do about her. She says she respects me as an adult but then I feel like to try and control the situation and manipulate me, she does things to hurt me and punish me like the xmas thing. We are now alone on xmas. She puts these guilt trips and i feel horrible and dont understand why me choosing to be with someone and being happy has anything to do with my relationship with her. Im still the same daughter and a damn good one. Im a good person too. And im 30 yrs old and i just dont feel like her attachment to me is healthy. So ive considered separating and not talking to her for awhile. not healthy to talk everyday and tell her everything. i need to live my own life and be away from her awhile i think. not to mention im bipolar and this kind of stress can cause a relapse for me like it did last year. but even knowing all this, i still feel guilt

[Open Eyes]

(((bilbao))),

Welcome to PC, sorry your thread was not answered right away dear, this forum is very busy and moves fast so it can take some time to get a reply, also, I have a feeling many people are out Christmas shopping etc.

Oh, dear, you have a hovering mother there, in need of your attention way too much too. It sounds like your mother likes to be the Martha Stewart with all the answers to your needs and problems too. Well, it sounds like you have trained your mother to hover unknowingly and you probably "are' a good daughter as you say. Well, this is something you have to "wean" away from now because you just put your foot down and she didn't like that, didn't give "her" the control this time.

Well, some mothers don't really mean to be this way either, they just get used to being the "director" and when they do this they get an emotional "reward" from it. You allowed her to be close and you talked all the time and she gave you advice a lot most likely. I bet she has hardly any friends right? It sounds like you are in that role for her too. She wants that "comfort" of unconditional love and "control" too. But, she is not really "aware" of that you know. Her being jealous of a new someone in your life threatens her "special" relationship with you and that is what she is expressing to you.

You are going to need to set some new boundaries now, and you "can" do this in a nice way. For example, "Mom, you and I are good buddies and I really do like this new man I am seeing and I would like you to welcome him. However, mom, if you do not want that, then I need you to understand that you are "choosing for me" and that is going to affect our close relationship, because I "do" intend on spending my day with this new man in my life". You have most likely given her "power" over the years, and you are going to have to "slowly" dismantle that. Often we do not realize the "power and control" we give others over us until we come to a situation as you are describing. With that in mind it could be that you are just as guilty as she is and you trained her unknowingly. So, now you have a bit of work to do to "untrain her" or maybe "retrain her" now.

People are a lot like animals, when we teach them to beg at the table knowing when they do that they will get a reward, then we have animals that beg and bother us at the table. It's very similar with people too, often we just don't realize the bad things we teach them.
This is going to take you some time to "undo".

((Hugs)))
OE

[curley]

Hi Bilbao, not to much more I can add. Last poster said it. Yes, make your boundaries, be nice about the way you explain yourself and stick by your boundaries. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for what you want. I don't think you are a bad daughter or a bad person. You are a grown woman and should be allowed to behave that way.