[unfearless]

i dont know if anybody want to read my love-story. I never plan this relationship which i probably will end up marrying my girlfriend next year. There's many lack of communications between us, my depression keeps me away from her for most of the time, i know she's hurt but she always wanted to stay beside me. From the way i behave, i'm not a good man at all, i've done a few bad things to her, i feel so guilty, i wish she can let me go and find a better man, but there's something keeps us together, something strong. She love me that much, she always said she wanted to be my wife, and i think it will happen next year. But to be honest, i'm not sure if i'm ready, i've been unsure about this for the past 2 years, we discuss a lot about getting married during that time, but nothing happens because i told her i'm not ready. A few months ago i brace myself to make a decision of marrying her next year, she's very happy and excited. Not long enough, my biggest depression comes back (again), its very bad as i wrote this i feel like i want to escape from my life, not only depression, but suicidal, anxiety, and other mental/health issues, she knows everything about me, and she still want to marry me, she's a normal extrovert person with many friends and everything positive, she dont deserve me at all. I want to make her happy, i want to be a better man, i tried to, but i'm failing again. My depression strangled me from the inside. A few days ago, i told her i'm very depressed and i want to die, she encourage me to make those thoughts go away, i dont know if i can ever make it go away. I'm happy about us getting married next year, but in the same time i'm really fearful because of my depression. I fear our future, her future, if she married with a depressed man like me. I feel so much guilt towards her, too much, right now i really dont know what i should do.

[stucke]

I cannot truly relate to depression so I apologize if my response comes off cold or insensitive. I do , however, relate completely to anxiety and having feelings those closest to me cannot relate to.

My personal opinion is that you should NEVER marry until you are 100% ready. I feel I am in the position I am in now because I jumped into a marriage. Better to settle with a sure thing that is good than grow old alone, right? WRONG! Your depression will most likely only get worse after marriage or at the very least stay the same, which will not create a healthy marriage.

One thing important to know, sometimes people love us or see things in us we don't see in ourselves - and those are the things that attract them to us. I am one odd duck and I know it. But for some reason I work for my husband. He tells me all the time he loves my crazy - not even sure what that means. But he also understands "my crazy". It sounds like from your post your girlfriend doesn't truly understand you.

Doing what you need to do to feel better about yourself and your situation is top priority. Marriage should come only after you have figured those things out.

Regardless of what you do, know there are tons of people who can relate to you and your situation. You shouldn't feel guilty for being you, you shouldn't feel ashamed for being you. All of us have room for improvement. All of us have some inner demons. Most importantly, all of us are unique. I hope in your life you are able to come to terms with who you are, understand yourself better, and ultimately recognize your uniqueness is capable of truly great things.

[lightinthesky]

I think you need to sort yourself out first, your health. You definitely need to look for counselling, someone who can guide you and help you find the answers. I hope you love your girlfriend and you want the best for her, when 2 people love each other it is wonderful, but don't marry her only because she really wants it or for any other reason, do it when you feel like you want to do it when you know it is time to do it and it is the right thing to do it. Don't decide for her who she should be with, sometimes we don't chose people we fall in love with, respect her feelings and never promise things unless you are sure you can/want make them happen.
There is no need to feel quilt if you are honest to her about everything. I don't think you are in the right state of mind to make big decisions, but be honest about how you feel and definitely look for counselling for yourself. Good luck

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I think that it is wonderful that you've found a supportive and loving girl worth marrying. With your reservations, I would definitely work on yourself, and focus on how you can love her before you commit to a marriage with her. I won't say you shouldn't marry her, I would never say that because if she is as supportive and caring as you say, she just may be the right one. But that being said, the goal, in my mind, when you pick someone to be your wife, is to love and care for them for life. So work on learning how to love her in spite of your depression.

Depression itself should not be something to keep you from marrying at all nor even being a good husband in the future. It is your cross to bear and your challange in life. It is an obstacle, not a wall. Learn how to deal with the depression and not behave based on that toward her. Depression is a mood challenge and emotional one but it is not one that has to control your behavior and life. Get a therapist and learn to deal with it and cope with life. Work on becoming a man that can give her what she needs as a wife and you'll be on your way.