[Vetrice]

Although I'm incredibly lonely and a bit starved for friendship, I guess you could call me a flake. I respond to texts/phone calls immediately, but it takes me weeks to respond to online messages (if I reply at all). I drop off the radar for weeks at a time. I avoid certain social interactions after indicating interest in them. A doctor has told me this is a result of an avoidance or anxiety disorder but the fact is that this habit has caused many online friendships and relationships to fizzle out and I'm perfectly aware it's all on me. I feel terrible and guilty and selfish but apparently not enough to prevent myself from doing it all over again.
I know I can't come on here and ask for a quick fixit solution--to be brutally honest I would read the advice and take comfort in it and then I would do nothing with it. But right now I'm curious: if you've been a 'flakee' at some point, is there something you wish the 'flaker' had said or done? Did you confront the person who blew you off too many times? If you tend to flake out on others, do you beat yourself up about it and try again next time?

Did you confront the person who blew you off too many times? If you tend to flake out on others, do you beat yourself up about it and try again next time?

No. Yes. Doctors like to give diagnosises! I have my flake outs too. Email replies. It's definitely a shame thing from when I was young. Could be related to rejection but still working on it. I'm not saying that is you but I just hate to see people get stigmatized before they are able to explore the idea that there is a root cause that understanding will help.

[Vetrice]

Originally Posted by Michanne

No. Yes. Doctors like to give diagnosises! I have my flake outs too. Email replies. It's definitely a shame thing from when I was young. Could be related to rejection but still working on it. I'm not saying that is you but I just hate to see people get stigmatized before they are able to explore the idea that there is a root cause that understanding will help.

Well, thank you for not stigmatizing me :] Do you fear rejection and almost anticipate it? And then back out before others can back out on you?

I'm a bit of a flaker myself (less now than in the past though). The best solution to not feel as guilty about it (if you think you may flake on something) is to tell people that you'll try to be there or you might be there.

[FrayedEnds]

I used to be a big flaker. now I'm just flake-ish sometimes. what helped was for me to say to (close) friends something like, "hey! sometimes I flake. it's not personal and it's not intentional." I found that most of those friends understood it better and stopped thinking that I was playing games. then that took away the pressure and guilt I was feeling. and then that helped me to stop flaking as often.

Recently I've gotten close with someone who's a bigger flake than I ever was. She asked me once why I thought she didn't flake on me as often as she flaked on everyone else. do you know the answer?

Originally Posted by Vetrice

Although I'm incredibly lonely and a bit starved for friendship, I guess you could call me a flake. I respond to texts/phone calls immediately, but it takes me weeks to respond to online messages (if I reply at all). I drop off the radar for weeks at a time. I avoid certain social interactions after indicating interest in them. A doctor has told me this is a result of an avoidance or anxiety disorder but the fact is that this habit has caused many online friendships and relationships to fizzle out and I'm perfectly aware it's all on me. I feel terrible and guilty and selfish but apparently not enough to prevent myself from doing it all over again.
I know I can't come on here and ask for a quick fixit solution--to be brutally honest I would read the advice and take comfort in it and then I would do nothing with it. But right now I'm curious: if you've been a 'flakee' at some point, is there something you wish the 'flaker' had said or done? Did you confront the person who blew you off too many times? If you tend to flake out on others, do you beat yourself up about it and try again next time?

With all of those situations you mentioned there is no way to say what's going on here. for me at least, there would require exploration into why this keeps happening, if it's something you do or what not.

On confronting a person, again, can't really say if I'd do so or not. Too many variables invovled and if someone "blew me off" it first has to be assumed thats' what they did, that in and of itself could be perception more than anything. could be that if someone doesn't respond to you or act according to your expectations you assume they are blowing you off. Could be that they are. If indeed they "blew you off", it all depends on wwhat you want to get out of confronting them. Sometimes it's worth confronting them to get closure or information as to why they didn't do what I expected them to do other times it's best left untouched.