[lightinthesky]

Trying to figure something out and I just can't.. One day I was sitting on my bed looking at myself in the mirror, I was a little surprised what this break up has done to me, my eyes are always red from crying, I lost way too many stones for my already petite figure , I am just looking looking so sick and so miserable, "come on! there must be an end to all this, the question is when, do you want it to end now or do you want to wait another year or two?" I asked myself. Well .. obviously I want it to end now, I do I really do! Every single day I am literally fighting for my life and happiness, when I see a new interesting book - good, will read it; friend is going to dance classes - amazing, will go with her too; sunbeds to make myself look not so sick - yeah, why not?!; skydiving in February - sure! nothing to lose anyway!; I am trying to live the moment and not think about tomorrow.

Sometimes I have moments of weakness when all my strength is leaving me and I become very vulnerable, it can be a smell from the past, a song, a movie, or when I see a woman holding a kid I think of those moments when we talked how our kid will look like and I want to die realizing that it will never happen. Moments of weakness. I try to turn away, ignore *forget, stop thinking, no no no*, I move on again.

I want want to stop thinking of him as "the one", you know, no matter what he did and how he did, he is still the best man in the whole world for me, I still admire him, I still think he would be an amazing father, still love his nature, his interest, his values, I love perfume that he was using and his body, I love his hair, I love everything about him, I believe he is the best man who can ever be with me. I feel like it is ruining my healing process, I love him, I don't want to deny it but maybe I need to stop thinking of him this way? I can not just make a list of his negative sides because I simply won't be able to make that list, even after mistakes he did - I forgave the mistakes and I can not be angry at them anymore..
He left, he is happy, he doesn't want to know me anymore and even then, I am still loving and still thinking he is my darling, my love, best I can ever have. I am sorry to say this if it sounds too naive, but life just can not be so unfair, is there something I can do about the way I think of him?

[Open Eyes]

Often when we fall "in love" with another person what we also tend to do is fall in love with the idea of this other person too. Without realizing it we begin to think of this person as being "more" than they really are. We tend to fall in love with "love" too. The reason for this is because when we "think" we are in love we experience chemicals that can even blind us from seeing a reality that we should really be seeing. Well, this is something that is very real, hence the saying "Love is blind".

I remember being so heartbroken when I was younger and broke up with a guy that I was in love with loving, even though he didn't really treat me right. I had to mourn him, oh yes, that always has to take place, after all no more love chemicals going on, going on not because we are "really in love for the right reasons either". I can tell you that as the years have passed and I have moved on with my life, I can say for certain, it would have not turned out well if I did stay with that person. Actually, he eventually married someone else, he never really changed and divorced with two children.

I am very sorry that you are still "grieving" but I "can" tell you that with time and giving yourself love and something else to be "involved with" which could be learning something new as I don't know how old you are, this opining will let go. And part of you is looking for the chemicals that come with "thinking you are in love and loving the being in love" that happens, and remember can happen with a person who may be very wrong for you. If this person is "content" without you?, Then it was not "true or real love" and you "do" deserve better than that. Do not even allow yourself to entertain what you could do or be to have that outcome be different either. Real "love" is when someone loves you for what and who you really are.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[lightinthesky]

I was reading a book about this too, hard to believe that what I am feeling now is a game of my body and brain, how do I fight with my own brain? I am tired of thinking of him this way, if I could hate him, oh I wish.. but no. It is like I know the real him, even he doesn't know himself but I always thought hat I do.

[Open Eyes]

No, you don't know the "real" him, you only know the "him you wanted him to be", it's an illusion. We never "can" change another person into what we imagine they "could be", they either are or they are "not". You fell in love with the "idea of him and you being in a picture that doesn't really exist".

Yes, this takes time to grieve and get over, yes it is like withdrawing from a drug addiction too. Seriously, if he is content/happy away from you, it was never really "love". It is just as well he doesn't come back, you don't want to wake up someday with two children and being very unhappy and wondering what the heck you did because now you can't stand him and you are "stuck". It's an awful feeling because chemical high actually eventually fades anyway, so if the other person is the wrong choice, the whole thing can be miserable.

I understand it is tough right now, but this "will pass", move on dear and find someone that may actually "fit" better.

[Open Eyes]

I saw your other thread. You need to find "you" first before you get into another relationship. You should also know how to "live on your own" too dear. You should have the knowledge that you can be "on your own" so that you never get to feeling trapped in any relationship. And you need to find something you can do to also be self supporting too.

In your other thread you said you don't know how to be without someone else, then you need to learn how to do life without an attachment and be in yourself and be ok with that.
It is always an important thing to have in a life resume. If you have children someday you will be better able to help "them" become independent because you did it yourself.

It is actually very rewarding to achieve "independence", you get to know yourself much better, you grow up more, and you also have a much better idea on what kind of mate will fit you better too.

OE

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

I believe he is the best man who can ever be with me.

I feel like it is ruining my healing process,

but maybe I need to stop thinking of him this way?

, best I can ever have. I am sorry to say this if it sounds too naive,

is there something I can do about the way I think of him?

If he was the 'best' that this world has to offer you, then you wouldn't be posting here, hurt, and down on yourself.

In this other forum, I once belonged in, many of us, vowed, that if we ever heard the word 'soulmate' or the 'one' we'd all flee for the hills. It's a limiting mindset. And a rather dangerous one to have, for overall wellbeing.

Statistically speaking, with the millions of men, who walk this planet, it's improbable, that this man, was your one and only chance at having a loving, caring, respectful relationship.

When we place a person on a pedestal, where does that place us? On the floor, beneath their feet, right? And then what happens? We give them the power and control, in the relationship. And then, they resent us, for not seeing them as an equal, but as some demi-god, so to speak.

I don't believe, he's the best life has to offer you. Not for one moment, do I believe that.

Companionship, is about navigating this journey, together, side by side, not carrying them around, like the ancient Egyptians carried their royalty.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

No, you don't know the "real" him, you only know the "him you wanted him to be", it's an illusion. We never "can" change another person into what we imagine they "could be", they either are or they are "not". You fell in love with the "idea of him and you being in a picture that doesn't really exist".

Yes, this takes time to grieve and get over, yes it is like withdrawing from a drug addiction too. Seriously, if he is content/happy away from you, it was never really "love". It is just as well he doesn't come back, you don't want to wake up someday with two children and being very unhappy and wondering what the heck you did because now you can't stand him and you are "stuck". It's an awful feeling because chemical high actually eventually fades anyway, so if the other person is the wrong choice, the whole thing can be miserable.

I understand it is tough right now, but this "will pass", move on dear and find someone that may actually "fit" better.

I hope he is a wrong choice because it felt like he really did belong to me.. We weren't the same but when we were together it was a different reality where even sleeping together for all day was so enjoyable and special, we never had to be someone else and pretend.. anything negative I say about him just isn't strong enough to make me angry at him, and I understand how stupid it is because I also understand that a man who leaves like he did - isn't a man! Or maybe he can only behave like that with me because I was always, always the bad one in our relationship. It's like no matter what he does it is OK for him to do it.

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[lightinthesky]

Thank you so much to all of you

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[Macrick]

Missy,

Sorry, but I don't sugar coat stuff like others do. I will not say things like
"Awww.. don't worry. You will get over him soon" or "Time heals all wounds & other stuff" I'm something like "Gregory House". I speak the blunt truth.

Right now, you are in the denial state, coz you still think "He is the one" Your emotional part is telling you thisbut not your logical part. If he's the one, he wouldn't have left you in the 1st place. Ever thought of this much? I guarantee you, 10 years later or even as soon as 3-4 years later. You will get over the grieving process. Yes, the emotional scar will be there. But that's just life. You're young, you have the luxury of time. Many of us over 30 years old don't.

People change over time, People's needs & state of mind changes over time. You need to grieve as long as it takes. (Don't take like 5-6 years though, that's waaaay too long) Take my advise, walk up early & go for a morning walk. Get a pet or whatever floats your boat. It will help, it just takes time.
Be well.

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Trying to figure something out and I just can't.. One day I was sitting on my bed looking at myself in the mirror, I was a little surprised what this break up has done to me, my eyes are always red from crying, I lost way too many stones for my already petite figure , I am just looking looking so sick and so miserable, "come on! there must be an end to all this, the question is when, do you want it to end now or do you want to wait another year or two?" I asked myself. Well .. obviously I want it to end now, I do I really do! Every single day I am literally fighting for my life and happiness, when I see a new interesting book - good, will read it; friend is going to dance classes - amazing, will go with her too; sunbeds to make myself look not so sick - yeah, why not?!; skydiving in February - sure! nothing to lose anyway!; I am trying to live the moment and not think about tomorrow.

Sometimes I have moments of weakness when all my strength is leaving me and I become very vulnerable, it can be a smell from the past, a song, a movie, or when I see a woman holding a kid I think of those moments when we talked how our kid will look like and I want to die realizing that it will never happen. Moments of weakness. I try to turn away, ignore *forget, stop thinking, no no no*, I move on again.

I want want to stop thinking of him as "the one", you know, no matter what he did and how he did, he is still the best man in the whole world for me, I still admire him, I still think he would be an amazing father, still love his nature, his interest, his values, I love perfume that he was using and his body, I love his hair, I love everything about him, I believe he is the best man who can ever be with me. I feel like it is ruining my healing process, I love him, I don't want to deny it but maybe I need to stop thinking of him this way? I can not just make a list of his negative sides because I simply won't be able to make that list, even after mistakes he did - I forgave the mistakes and I can not be angry at them anymore..
He left, he is happy, he doesn't want to know me anymore and even then, I am still loving and still thinking he is my darling, my love, best I can ever have. I am sorry to say this if it sounds too naive, but life just can not be so unfair, is there something I can do about the way I think of him?

It's not naive to think that way so much as it is that you have idolized him. This is common with BPD and you will get over and past this. The thing is, if you can, think about how you think he is the best man who could ever be with you and then think about the primary criteria for the best man for you - that would be one that chooses to be with you first and exclusively. He has taken that away and has chosen to go his own way. So the primary thing that would make someone be the best one for you cannot any longer be that because he doesn't even choose you anymore. No matter what other criteria you may have in your head that he fits, "great potential father", "wonderful lover", etc.. it no longer fits because if they don't choose you, they can't be the best person for you anymore. he chose not to be.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

It's not naive to think that way so much as it is that you have idolized him. This is common with BPD and you will get over and past this. The thing is, if you can, think about how you think he is the best man who could ever be with you and then think about the primary criteria for the best man for you - that would be one that chooses to be with you first and exclusively. He has taken that away and has chosen to go his own way. So the primary thing that would make someone be the best one for you cannot any longer be that because he doesn't even choose you anymore. No matter what other criteria you may have in your head that he fits, "great potential father", "wonderful lover", etc.. it no longer fits because if they don't choose you, they can't be the best person for you anymore. he chose not to be.

Like if I am a broken toy that he doesn't want anymore, doesn't choose anymore? Do you realize how it makes me feel? What did I do so wrong? What does he need??? Oh enough of me torturing myself, I want to be happy.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Like if I am a broken toy that he doesn't want anymore, doesn't choose anymore? Do you realize how it makes me feel? What did I do so wrong? What does he need??? Oh enough of me torturing myself, I want to be happy.

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Since the thread is titled trying to fix your mind, any tips;

It's tough, having someone break up with you. The important thing, about letting go of the relationship, itself, is recognizing that it's not 'you' that is the broken toy, it's the relationship, itself. the mixture of you and him, didn't create a functioning toy, so to speak. It's stepping back, and recognizing that it's not you the person, it's the relationship, as a separate entity, that 'he' also contributed to as not working out.

A tip,is to step back, as hard it is, not feel as though it's you that is discarded, it's the relationship that is discarded, as though it's a separate entity altogether. If you desire happiness, understand that the relationship not working out, isn't a reflection on who you really are as a person. You have qualities that will gel, just right, and much better, with someone else.