[leeshygurl]

I am drained....ruined to the point i feel i have been emotionally murdered by the man i love He has hurt me so many times over the years and as never accepted responsibility for one!
When needed the most to prove he loves me and does actually care about me he just sits and not one word passes his lips not one!

once the damage has been done and the tears have stopped thats when he begings wrapping a blanket around me if i fall asleep from emotional exhaustion, by putting on my fave tv show or film, by running me a candle lit bath with bubbles and clean pjs on th bed, by kissing me on the forehead when he thinks im asleep!

i dont know how to handle this?! 7yrs and still have no idea where i stand with this man! does he care or does he not? am i wrong for being so confused??

[healingme4me]

That does sound confusing, so many loving gestures, and yet, he cannot prove to you that he loves you, and you don't know where you stand.

How does he hurt you?

[jaofao]

Two things I could think of from what you say. It can be either that:

1- He does what you say he does because he feels sorry that you're hurt by the way he is.
or
2- You two simply have different ways of showing love, and are not compatible.

7 years is just the time that passed. How much actual, quality time did you guys have with each other? Answer the key question: do you love him? Or are you just demanding and frustrated if not satisfied?

[Perna]

It sounds like when you are being so emotional he does not know how to respond, men are not as emotionally tuned as women are and do not grow up being taught what to do with a crying woman demanding something from them they do not understand. It is like a foreign language. I would be thankful for the loving gestures when you are not so confusing to him (because you're asleep :-) I would talk to him without any demands, thank him for his care when you are exhausted, tell him you find such things sweet and would like more of them all the time, not just when you are not quite so scary to him?

No one takes the time for such gestures that does not care. He does care for you, just does not know how to interact with you. You have to teach him that, slowly, calmly, with his flaws in mind instead of what you want for you. Do you want him to be happy and enjoy life with you? That is what you have to work toward.

[leeshygurl]

by going out and not returning home for days at a time, no real answers as to why he didnt come home or show any remorse for puttin me thru that, by never telling me how he feels about me, when we argue he points out all the things he doesnt like about me, it wouldnt feel so bad if once in a while he told me the things he does love!

iv tried tellin him how that hurts me, and how it makes me feel like he doesnt care! when im crying instead of comfort i get called names and laughed at or if im explainin why i feel hurt he falls asleep n tells me to go to a diff room bcos my cryin is annoying him!

after all that comes the gestures

then after all that

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by leeshygurl

I am drained....ruined to the point i feel i have been emotionally murdered by the man i love He has hurt me so many times over the years and as never accepted responsibility for one!
When needed the most to prove he loves me and does actually care about me he just sits and not one word passes his lips not one!

once the damage has been done and the tears have stopped thats when he begings wrapping a blanket around me if i fall asleep from emotional exhaustion, by putting on my fave tv show or film, by running me a candle lit bath with bubbles and clean pjs on th bed, by kissing me on the forehead when he thinks im asleep!

i dont know how to handle this?! 7yrs and still have no idea where i stand with this man! does he care or does he not? am i wrong for being so confused??

Sorry to hear, that must be difficult! I'd go with what your gut feeling is! Best of luck!!

[leeshygurl]

Thank you Perna for your advice, all our issues, problems etc get brushed under the carpet and snowballs into a emotional mess, i try talkin to him when things rnt heated and he seems to take it in but when it cums to the crunch it goes back to square 1....and then it gets added to everything else! Do u think his NPD mother is one of the reasons why he is this way?

[leeshygurl]

all the signs are there that he does care but then so are the ones he doesnt! wahhh

[lightinthesky]

Have ever considered taking a break? His behaviour might show you how he feels about you once you are not together all the time

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

[leeshygurl]

were havin a break now hes at his sisters, hope he finally shows if he will fight for us like iv done b4, his other sister has been tellin me that hes been very quiet and not goin to his friends party either which isint like him! so maybe hes realising its a major part of our problems bcos he doesnt know when to come home

thank u all :-))

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by leeshygurl

were havin a break now hes at his sisters, hope he finally shows if he will fight for us like iv done b4, his other sister has been tellin me that hes been very quiet and not goin to his friends party either which isint like him! so maybe hes realising its a major part of our problems bcos he doesnt know when to come home

thank u all :-))

That's good. Give him time to realize what he has or maybe doesn't.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by leeshygurl

by going out and not returning home for days at a time, no real answers as to why he didnt come home or show any remorse for puttin me thru that, by never telling me how he feels about me, when we argue he points out all the things he doesnt like about me, it wouldnt feel so bad if once in a while he told me the things he does love!

iv tried tellin him how that hurts me, and how it makes me feel like he doesnt care! when im crying instead of comfort i get called names and laughed at or if im explainin why i feel hurt he falls asleep n tells me to go to a diff room bcos my cryin is annoying him!

after all that comes the gestures

then after all that

Does sound like this break you are having with him, is much needed. Those gestures could be part of his fear of him losing you, after poor behavior. No one can survive in a relationship where a partner is nitpicking and hyper critical. Disappearing for days on end, is also not conducive to a good relationship.

Even after expressing your hurts, and he's not taking the steps necessary to change behavior, instead just doing those peace offering acts, anyone would feel hurt and confused.

Is couples counseling an option, or are you taking this time, to decide if this is something you want to continue?

[River11]

Feeling for you, leeshygurl. Very confusing.

I agree with Perna, that a lot of his lack of loving reassurance when you most need it is because, as my T says, men "flood" easily- ie shut down or go blank in the face of strong emotion/s. My husband certainly does. And quite often, it seems, they really don't comprehend the emotional hurt, turmoil, need that we can feel in response to their not having been there for us etc.

I also agree with lightinthesky that it will be helpful to step back and just let yourself see what he does feel for you and just what you really feel for him.

Maybe a third party/counsellor could be needed to help you both explain and hear where each other's coming from, and perhaps there could be room to better accept each other even in the things you may not understand about each other.

Hope this time is fruitful and I wish you well