First of all, I'm not sure if it's OK to post about friendship on here or not, so if it's not, please let me know where to post threads about friendship issues. Anyways, my best friend of three years has been more distant from me lately and I'm not sure if it has more to do with her or me.

I don't know how to deal with her behaviour w/o coming across as to "needy" or "dependent" on other people as she put it a few times when I got upset at her for not being as responsive as I'd like her to be. Now the only time what we talk on the phone is when she is picking me up or when she has a major issue that she has to talk about right away. It almost always involves a guy, ugh! I was never pushy, I just got asked her a few times why my calls almost always went to v.m, etc....

Anyways, last year was the worst year of her life. Her soon to be ex cheated on her with two different women, she has been out of work for almost a year, she's totally broke, she is single, desperate for a man, and very unhappy about it. She told me that she NEEDS to have someone to love and hold her, and that w/o love, she'd shrivel up and die. She is also desperate to have kids and get married. To top that off, she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes this year.

It's more under control and she is getting help from a family member to pay for insurance. Also, her dad is helping her cope with it. She is not close to her mom since she thinks her mom is nuts, but she is close to her dad and her uncle. Still she is in a panic that she'll end up alone when they die.

OK, the issue is that she tends to ignore me more often now. She obviously can't go out as much now because she's so broke that she has to eat at her mom's place everyday, but it seems as if she's avoiding me at times. She is acting a lot more distant since her bad luck started.

She doesn't call or email me as much and I'm always the one who wishes her a Happy B-day, Christmas, or New Years day now. For my B-day for the last couple of years, I got a text from her half an hour before midnight! She wasn't even that busy or working at the time!

I felt insulted! I didn't make a big deal out of it though. Then it took her months to give me a B-day & late Xmas gift. I don't expect much, but a call would've been nice. The gifts seemed like an obligation to her. She told me that she wasn't aware that we were exchanging gifts that year.

She did go out with her two friends from h.s that she is much closer to that she never introduced me to. She got gift certificates for them although she claimed to be "broke". That hurt my feelings but I let it go. She expressed interest in meeting my friends who are a little older, and one of them works at a company that she wants to work at, but my friend told me that her resume is really crappy and that she doesn't want to waste her or my friends time trying to help her as the company that she works for is extremely hard to get a job at. We both also suspect that she is more interested in using my friend to network which isn't cool. She doesn't have much in common with my other friends anyways.

Sometimes I feel like she might be jealous of me since I'm married w/o kids, and I don't have to work. My husband is pressuring me to find work, and I will try to find work soon. Finances aren't the best for us, but we did get to take a nice trip to an exotic location last year. Also, I have other friends that I go out with a couple times a month. I still have money to buy nice things once in awhile. I also weigh less that her, but I'm far from being thin.

Could she be avoiding me for some reason such as jealously? Also, she rarely compliments me on anything anymore. I always dress nice and she usually just wears t-shirts and sweats usually. I heard that when friends are jealous of one another, they avoid the people who make them feel bad about their lives. I have been nothing but nice to her, so I don't get this! I asked her twice already recently about hanging out sometime and I got NO response from her regarding that.

Oh, she did invite her h.s friends over for steak when she was "broke" and she never invited me to dinner. Again, I let it go. She is almost 40 and only a few years younger than me, but she seems immature and thoughtless at times.

What is going on here? Am I being to sensitive? Am I expecting to much from her and being too "needy"? Any insight would be appreciated! Also, if she keeps this up, what can I do and say that won't push her away or make her upset? We did get into one fight last year that occurred due to me being annoyed at some of her behavior. I worded things poorly, so she ignored me for almost two months until I apologized to her twice. Ugh!

BTW, she knows all about my anxiety and depression, and sometimes I wonder if she tries to keep her distance from me because of how I am although she seems OK with my issues. Outwardly, she is very upbeat, outgoing, and bubbly. She does talk excessively about her problems and obessesions with her ex b.f's and getting a guy which is very annoying. She rarely asks me about how I am anymore. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I'm really starting to get frustrated with her! Please help!

[Trippin2.0]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Uhm, very ashamed to say this but I will reply from a "good jealous" friend's perspective...

I say "good jealous" because I never meant my friend any harm, I never wished ill things upon her or resented her. I never begrudged her anything, I was happy for her, but it magnified the sadness I felt for myself...

I have this friend, we were so close in HS, and even as adults, we kept in close contact even though we couldn't see eachother regularly. Anyway, when I was going through a realllly crappy period in my life; escaped an abusive ex, dad and eldest brother died, and got diagnosed bipolar, I just couldn't handle being her friend.

I found myself jealous for the first time in my life, boy it was highly uncomfortable. Its just that my friend had everything going for her, career, good husband, nice house, and my life had fallen to pieces.... I didn't understand whyyy she had it so good and why I was thrown to the wolves.

So yeah, I withdrew from my friend, not because of anything she had done, but she represented everything I wanted and didn't have. I was also afraid that I would grow to resent her, and that it would show...

Well once I picked up the pieces of my life and felt confident enough to be friends with her again, I let her back in. She didn't even ask for an explanation or an apology, didn't even make me feel guilty for unfriending her on FB... She just sent a friend request at the time I was thinking of contacting her and I accepted. As they say, the rest is history.

Idk her though, so I can't say for sure if her behaviour is anything related to what I experienced and I honestly don't know what you should do besides back off or confront her with a heart to heart talk.

[healingme4me]

My best friend and myself, hardly spoke a word over this past holiday season. Been friends since '93. There have been periods of times, holidays or not, where we just don't speak. No reason, in particular, just fall off each others radars, this past season, I feel it could be, because she's going through a lot of emotions, didn't get to see the nieces that she's been a part of their lives since birth, living with them, since the second oldest was about 3 years old. If my math, serves me correctly. After her dad, passed on, she grew quiet. When my mom died, and I finalized my divorce, I grew quiet. It just is. Like family, that you don't hear from, for a while, then poof, back again! We do live, a good 1K miles away from each other. Had one major fight, back in '94/'95. Were even roommates, at that time. And then, there are the periods in time, where it's near daily contact. Both of us, stand guilty, of trying to plan girl time, and just not following through. Neither, I would say, harbor any semblance of jealousy towards the other.
She's nearing 40, herself. She's struggled with man problems, as have I. I am not sure, she'll have kids, not really sure if she can, I recall some health issues back in college.
So, her disappearance, is withdrawing, imo. And space, she needs, and space I give. And when I need withdrawal space, same is given.

Sometimes, it's just neither wants to bring the other down. Sometimes, it's just a matter, of 'oops' another day just passed, I'll call/text later, *oops*.

Caring about one another, still exists. It's just life happens.

A quick text, 'how's it going'? Could suffice.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Uhm, very ashamed to say this but I will reply from a "good jealous" friend's perspective...

I say "good jealous" because I never meant my friend any harm, I never wished ill things upon her or resented her. I never begrudged her anything, I was happy for her, but it magnified the sadness I felt for myself...

I have this friend, we were so close in HS, and even as adults, we kept in close contact even though we couldn't see eachother regularly. Anyway, when I was going through a realllly crappy period in my life; escaped an abusive ex, dad and eldest brother died, and got diagnosed bipolar, I just couldn't handle being her friend.

I found myself jealous for the first time in my life, boy it was highly uncomfortable. Its just that my friend had everything going for her, career, good husband, nice house, and my life had fallen to pieces.... I didn't understand whyyy she had it so good and why I was thrown to the wolves.

So yeah, I withdrew from my friend, not because of anything she had done, but she represented everything I wanted and didn't have. I was also afraid that I would grow to resent her, and that it would show...

Well once I picked up the pieces of my life and felt confident enough to be friends with her again, I let her back in. She didn't even ask for an explanation or an apology, didn't even make me feel guilty for unfriending her on FB... She just sent a friend request at the time I was thinking of contacting her and I accepted. As they say, the rest is history.

Idk her though, so I can't say for sure if her behaviour is anything related to what I experienced and I honestly don't know what you should do besides back off or confront her with a heart to heart talk.

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Thanks for your reply- I can't tell if she's actually jealous of me or not. It's hard to say. Sorry to hear that you went through so many bad things at once! I'm glad to hear that you're doing better now-

Perhaps I should just give her some space for now. It is odd to how she didn't respond to me after I asked her twice if she'd like to hang out sometime soon. The least that she can do is tell me that she is busy or that she can't for whatever reason, but to say nothing is rude IMHO. I have went so far as to offer to pay for her movie ticket at this one inexpensive theatre and I have also suggested that we can just watch a DVD at her place! Still, nothing!

It's possible that she might be busy with a new guy that she's not telling me about. God forbid that she's back with her former "soul mate" who lied to her about numerous things. He went so far as to tell her that he could get her pregnant but that he won't marry her or support the child. Wow, what a catch, LOL! She is really horny now, so I hope that she doesn't give in to temptation. He is a real loser! She tends to loose her head when it comes to guys!

I always tell her to be realistic and to be careful, but she tends to follow her heart usually- She is upset with him still over lots of things, so hopefully she won't get involved with that guy after all of this! Perhaps her diabetes is affecting her now and making her tired. It seems like it is affecting her physically. Hopefully she is not trying to avoid me for whatever reason.

Also, I hope that she isn't jealous of me and avoiding me because of that. Friends should be happy for each other. I'm never jealous of my friends as I think they deserve to be happy. I have a fairly good life even though my marriage and other things aren't perfect. I have it easy compared to some people, so I can't complain to much.

If she continues to ignore me for a long time though, I'll definitely say something along the lines of hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile, would you like to hang out sometime? I miss you. If she keeps blowing me off, then I'll know something is wrong and go from there.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

My best friend and myself, hardly spoke a word over this past holiday season. Been friends since '93. There have been periods of times, holidays or not, where we just don't speak. No reason, in particular, just fall off each others radars, this past season, I feel it could be, because she's going through a lot of emotions, didn't get to see the nieces that she's been a part of their lives since birth, living with them, since the second oldest was about 3 years old. If my math, serves me correctly. After her dad, passed on, she grew quiet. When my mom died, and I finalized my divorce, I grew quiet. It just is. Like family, that you don't hear from, for a while, then poof, back again! We do live, a good 1K miles away from each other. Had one major fight, back in '94/'95. Were even roommates, at that time. And then, there are the periods in time, where it's near daily contact. Both of us, stand guilty, of trying to plan girl time, and just not following through. Neither, I would say, harbor any semblance of jealousy towards the other.
She's nearing 40, herself. She's struggled with man problems, as have I. I am not sure, she'll have kids, not really sure if she can, I recall some health issues back in college.
So, her disappearance, is withdrawing, imo. And space, she needs, and space I give. And when I need withdrawal space, same is given.

Sometimes, it's just neither wants to bring the other down. Sometimes, it's just a matter, of 'oops' another day just passed, I'll call/text later, *oops*.

Caring about one another, still exists. It's just life happens.

A quick text, 'how's it going'? Could suffice.

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Thanks for responding to my novel, lol. Hopefully my friend is going through what you and your friend went through. Perhaps her diabetes is affecting her more than I think it is. She has complained about being more tired lately. Sorry to hear about your mother-

It's just not like her to not respond to me when I ask her a direct question about hanging out. If she doesn't want to, then she can just say that she's busy, but to say nothing is just weird IMHO. I even told her that we can just watch a DVD at her place so that we don't have to spend much money! I guess that I should just give her some space for now. If she continues to avoid wanting to hang out with me, I'll have to ask her what's going on.

I like your idea, but knowing her, she'll probably be vague and won't say much, so I'll have to be more direct and ask her again if she'd like to hang out. If I get no response, then I'll ask her if there is something wrong or something like that and get my answer. I just hope that she isn't avoiding me out of jealousy. I think that jealousy is lame and that friends should be happy for each other no matter what. Only time will tell for sure what the problem is.

[Harmacy]

I don't think you're being excessively needy but just thinking about what you mean to this person.

What I've found helpful is, instead of focusing on imagining what you think you mean to them, flip it around and ask yourself what they mean to you. If you value the friendship and want to stay connected then just keep the lines of communication open for now with an occasional text or call to let them know that you're thinking of them. Things change and people she's close to now may fall away and she will remember that you're still there for her.

It's difficult sometimes. I'm getting better at it now, at standing back in friendships when I feel like the other person wants space and finding that eventually things come back on track if its a valuable friendship from both sides. I've done the opposite many times and felt hurt and rejected and looking back, my negative beliefs about what I imagined the other person was thinking have damaged friendships and I wish I'd just stepped back and concentrated on the positive things I felt about them.

[KC Steely]

Unfortunately, I don't have any great words of advice on this subject as I dealt with a similar issue and had bad results which seem to be beyond repair. So, I do know what you're going through. My former best friend (since childhood) and I started to grow apart about 4 1/2 or 5 years ago. During the late summer of 2010, I tried to make several phone calls to him, either leaving a message with his wife or on his voice mail, with no response. Finally, worked up the nerve to contact his wife on Facebook and left her a message. She responded that my friend was pissed because the last time we got together, I had to cut the visit short to take care of some urgent business. So, I responded by telling them to have a good life and told them I was done with it. My wife and I have not seen this couple since 2010. It's still painful, but I will not give them the satisfaction to know that detail at all. I know I have flaws, just like everybody else, including my former best friend, but I don't know what I did wrong and, furthermore, I don't understand why he didn't have the guts to tell me about the problem. My guess he was just looking for an excuse to end the friendship and that was the most convenient situation which came along. Anyway, moral of the story: just like in a potential romantic relationship, you can't force anyone to reciprocate good will, friendship or love. And I will never stoop to the level of begging somebody to be my friend. Hope things work out satisfactory for you, Shy Introvert, and your friend. Seems like as we get further into adulthood, the more difficult it can be to maintain friendships. Guess that's not surprising given how hectic life can be.

Originally Posted by Harmacy

I don't think you're being excessively needy but just thinking about what you mean to this person.

What I've found helpful is, instead of focusing on imagining what you think you mean to them, flip it around and ask yourself what they mean to you. If you value the friendship and want to stay connected then just keep the lines of communication open for now with an occasional text or call to let them know that you're thinking of them. Things change and people she's close to now may fall away and she will remember that you're still there for her.

It's difficult sometimes. I'm getting better at it now, at standing back in friendships when I feel like the other person wants space and finding that eventually things come back on track if its a valuable friendship from both sides. I've done the opposite many times and felt hurt and rejected and looking back, my negative beliefs about what I imagined the other person was thinking have damaged friendships and I wish I'd just stepped back and concentrated on the positive things I felt about them.

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Thanks for your response. Perhaps she's just been to overwhelmed with all of her issues lately to think about contacting me. Another friend of mine who has met her before thinks that she might be jealous of me and has told me that she seems like she always has to be first, like a princess.

This friend is older and wiser, and I have a bad feeling that she might be right about my bff being jealous of me. Also, another work friend told me the same thing. The other friend told me that while my bff has to fight for everything that she has most of the time, I don't really have to do that. Well, that's NOT 100% true. I have my OWN struggles too.

My relationship isn't perfect, and I too am struggling with finances to a certain degree as well as body image issues, my mental health & family issues, etc...

I guess that all I can really do for now is to just give her some space and let her get back to me when she's ready to. Hopefully both my friends are wrong about her being jealous of me. Only time will tell for sure if she is or not.

Originally Posted by KC Steely

Unfortunately, I don't have any great words of advice on this subject as I dealt with a similar issue and had bad results which seem to be beyond repair. So, I do know what you're going through. My former best friend (since childhood) and I started to grow apart about 4 1/2 or 5 years ago. During the late summer of 2010, I tried to make several phone calls to him, either leaving a message with his wife or on his voice mail, with no response. Finally, worked up the nerve to contact his wife on Facebook and left her a message. She responded that my friend was pissed because the last time we got together, I had to cut the visit short to take care of some urgent business. So, I responded by telling them to have a good life and told them I was done with it. My wife and I have not seen this couple since 2010. It's still painful, but I will not give them the satisfaction to know that detail at all. I know I have flaws, just like everybody else, including my former best friend, but I don't know what I did wrong and, furthermore, I don't understand why he didn't have the guts to tell me about the problem. My guess he was just looking for an excuse to end the friendship and that was the most convenient situation which came along. Anyway, moral of the story: just like in a potential romantic relationship, you can't force anyone to reciprocate good will, friendship or love. And I will never stoop to the level of begging somebody to be my friend. Hope things work out satisfactory for you, Shy Introvert, and your friend. Seems like as we get further into adulthood, the more difficult it can be to maintain friendships. Guess that's not surprising given how hectic life can be.

================================================
Sorry to hear about your former best friend and how you never got any closure- To me, that's strange to how your friend got upset over something so trivial. It does sounds as if your friend used that last incident to end your friendship.

You're right, I can't force anyone to act in a way that they don't want to. All I expect from my friends is loyalty, consideration, and respect back though. I don't think that's to much to expect, mutual kindness. Sometimes even friends can take us for granted though-

It's true that the older we get, the harder it is to find real friends! Especially for women! I still can't help but be irritated at my friends rudeness at times. If she doesn't want to hang out with me, then she should at least tell me that she can't, or that she's busy and not just ignore me and end up changing the subject after I ask her about that.

If this continues, I'll have to ask her about it in person so that I can tell how she really feels about hanging out with me by her body language, tone of voice, or her actions in general. It's to easy to avoid questions over a text or an email. I swear, I'm going to do just that the next time I see her and see how she reacts. Of course, I won't be confrontational about it!

I would like some ideas on how I can go about asking her why she didn't respond to my questions the last few times though.

[KC Steely]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

================================================
Sorry to hear about your former best friend and how you never got any closure- To me, that's strange to how your friend got upset over something so trivial. It does sounds as if your friend used that last incident to end your friendship.

You're right, I can't force anyone to act in a way that they don't want to. All I expect from my friends is loyalty, consideration, and respect back though. I don't think that's to much to expect, mutual kindness. Sometimes even friends can take us for granted though-

It's true that the older we get, the harder it is to find real friends! Especially for women! I still can't help but be irritated at my friends rudeness at times. If she doesn't want to hang out with me, then she should at least tell me that she can't, or that she's busy and not just ignore me and end up changing the subject after I ask her about that.

If this continues, I'll have to ask her about it in person so that I can tell how she really feels about hanging out with me by her body language, tone of voice, or her actions in general. It's to easy to avoid questions over a text or an email. I swear, I'm going to do just that the next time I see her and see how she reacts. Of course, I won't be confrontational about it!

I would like some ideas on how I can go about asking her why she didn't respond to my questions the last few times though.

I would say, just come out and be bold. I know you're an introvert, as am I, but you really have nothing to loose. Even if she brushes you off again, at least she received the signal that you don't like being taking for granted or suffering with rudeness, particularly from another person who claimed to be a friend. Hope it works out for you.

Hi, you're right about what you said above. I have good news, she wasn't brushing me off. She was just having some medical issues and dealing with panic attacks for the first time that I'm aware of. So she could only contact me by email. She told me that she can't handle any stress now, and I understand that.

She told me that she really cares about me and it hurts her to hear the pain in my voice on the phone as she dealt with an abusive ex husband too. Her ex hit her a couple of times before she left him. I was told that stuff like this is a bad trigger for some people and not everyone wants to talk about it as it brings up bad memories.

I'm glad that she's still here for me- Thanks for your advice! Although I am an introvert, I'm definitely not a pushover and I usually let people know when they aren't treating me in a manner that is OK as nicely as I can when they are being inconsiderate.