I'm scared out of my mind right now since I called the cops on my husband last night. I wasn't physically hurt, and he didn't threaten to hurt me, but he scared me by throwing thing around and being really mean. He just snapped for no paticular reason. I just said something about my dad and I was drinking but not drunk, and he just snapped.

This wasn't the first time that he threw things around and threatened to leave me. We've been married for almost 20 years, and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me most of the time. He knows that he has the upper hand since I have issues with depression and anxiety. I also have nowhere to go.

My parents would never take my side in anything. I have friends, but none that would let me stay with them. I'm not working, so I'm at his mercy. He told me that if I leave him, I'd get nothing, not even my car! We live in Ca. btw. No prenup was ever signed. He doesn't know how to handle his anger and stress, so sometimes he takes his anger out on me every once in awhile.

I'm sick of this! I can't afford therapy as we have no insurance! He will never agree to counseling anyways! Everything is always my "fault". Ugh! He has told me that he can speak to me any way that he pleases and he has called me fat and ugly before and that no guy would ever want me since I'm damaged.

As for the cops, there wasn't anything that they could really do. I told them that he has four guns in the house and that this isn't the first time that he has thrown things around the house in a rage. They were total jerks. The cop who talked to me wouldn't even let me get a tissue to wipe my tears away! WTH? He was like, no! I think he has issues with women as he told me that he's divorced. Jerks on power trips who hate women should NOT be cops!

I'm so mad and disgusted! The pig also told me that I now have the upper hand since my husband volunteered to go to a hotel. To add insult to injury, I called my so called bff TWICE to talk to her, and she is ignoring me! She left an abusive ex husband years ago for hitting her twice. She told me to leave too and that I can do one of two things, accept things as they are, or leave. She bascially told me that she doesn't want to hear about my problems anymore as nicely as she could a long time ago.

I'm really upset that she didn't call me back! Why wouldn't she care about how I'm doing? How would you feel if this was your friend? I don't know what to do now. My husband told me that if I ever call the cops, he's leaving me for good. Is there anything that I can do to get him to stop using me as his emotional punching bag?

[Yoda]

Abuse is still abuse even if it isn't [yet] physical. See the wheel below.

Keep a diary of his threats and the abusive behaviors he displays such as throwing things. If you keep the diary on a computer use a password so he cannot read it.

You DO have somewhere you can go. You can go to a domestic violence shelter. Most shelters have counselors to help you understand your options and when I filed for a restraining order the shelter helped to get me free attorney that went to court with me and they actually used their bodies to block vision between me and my abusive BF.

In the link below it talks about making an emergency bag in case you leave in a hurry (or you can leave the bag at a friend's house perhaps). Things like important documents, birth certificate, ss card, telephone numbers of family and friends. names of prescriptions and some spare meds if you have any, bank account numbers even if they are not in your name, title to the house, et cetera.

If you are wanting or even thinking about a divorce you need to speak to an attorney. They usually give the initial consultation at no cost. It is my understanding that if you have been married ten or more years in the state of California you are entitled to half of everything whether you work or not.

PM me anytime. I was in an abusive relationship that I didn't think I would get out of alive. But I did and I am finally happy with my life.

I don't know how much you drink. I am not being judgmental because I have a rare drink sometimes but it might be in your best interest to minimize your drinking as cops will probably take you less seriously if you have alcohol on your breath. It isn't right but it happens.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Hi friend, umm, I know its hard to leave. I've been in that situation. He wouldn't let me have the car. I took it without him knowing. You are entitled to half. All advice up there from Yoda is perfect.
Mine got physical. Be careful, I think you should get to a shelter and you will find some amazing help there. P.M. me if you like, I'd love to help if I can!

Hi, Yoda, thanks so much for all of your advice! I'm so sorry to hear about your abusive ex b.f! I''m glad to hear that you were able to get away from him! I'm aware that I will get half of what he has. A good friend of mine told me that he also has to pay me spousal support and that he'd have to help me find a place up to the standard of living that I'm used to living in.

She was also in two abusive relationships. I'm really upset now because of this, and to add insult to injury, my so called best friend ignored my call yesterday and today! WTH? What kind of friend does that? I'll definitely have to save up money just in case I do have to leave.

It seems like other people, including my friend thinks that if I just do what he wants more often such as keeping the house cleaner, cooking him dinner everyday, etc...that he would treat me better. I'm not so sure about that. He's a control freak for sure and he'll never really respect me, ugh! I don't get how they don't see that! Both of my friends were in abusive relationships, but it seems as if they somehow see me as being part of the problem!

I don't understand why that is! And yeah, I won't ever call a cop to come here again as they blew me off and I'm sure that if I were sober, they would've been a little nicer. Maybe not, but thanks for letting me know that. My husband is home now and I can tell that he's still mad. He'll probably give me the silent treatment for a week, ugh! My friend said to just apologize to him for this. UGH!

I'll PM you soon. Thanks for reading this and thanks for caring! You rock!

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

Hi friend, umm, I know its hard to leave. I've been in that situation. He wouldn't let me have the car. I took it without him knowing. You are entitled to half. All advice up there from Yoda is perfect.
Mine got physical. Be careful, I think you should get to a shelter and you will find some amazing help there. P.M. me if you like, I'd love to help if I can!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it is! That's great that you took the car, lol! Sorry to hear that your ex got physical! I'm so glad that you left him! I have tried to get into a shelter before, but they're ALL packed! I didn't call them this time, but a year or two ago I did when he went psycho on me. He was throwing things around and I never seen him so mad!

He scared the crap out of me! Luckily I was able to stay with a friend for a few days. I only came home when he was at work to get a few things and to take a shower. Unfortunately, this friend told her dad about my situation and he got freaked out and told her not to help me as my husband could come after her.

There is this free service at the library that offers counseling a couple times a month for domestic violence counseling. I hope that they still have that service. If they do, I'll go get counseling. I'll PM you soon! Thanks-

[Rapunzel]

I wish that I had called the cops when my (now ex)husband threw a couch across the living room. I wish I had left, or made him leave rather, then instead of waiting several more years. Mine didn't physically hurt me, but was angry a lot and made everyone walk on eggshells and still has the kids under his control. He got pushier with sex even though I couldn't stand him, to the point that he raped me and I spent three years sleeping on the couch because I couldn't sleep in the same room with him. I didn't want to lose my kids and my animals, or harm them by putting them through divorce. So he got to call the shots and decided to throw me out when I was at my most vulnerable and unable to support myself. I didn't figure that I deserved any help or was eligible for a women's shelter since he hadn't hit me or anything, so I wound up homeless, sleeping in my car, for a month. He said that I never did anything for him and all that I deserved was my "car payments and student loan payments." The divorce decree says that I was supposed to get half of our belongings and joint custody of the kids, etc., but the kids lived with him since I didn't want to deprive them of a home and I couldn't provide for them, and I was banished. He decreed that I was not allowed to exist. The kids think that he needs them and are reluctant to spend any time with me and leave him alone for even a short time.

My point is if you wait, he can call the shots and get whatever he wants. If he is throwing things around, he is intimidating you and clearly in the wrong, which at least gives you some leverage. When he is always making a big deal that you are wrong about everything, it isn't about right or wrong, it is about power and control just like when he is throwing things. If he keeps you off balance and questioning yourself, he feels powerful. What would happen if you did and said the same things that he does? There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I found it in the library. It defined all of the patterns, and looking back, now I can see it. You are deserving of support, and you can go to a women's shelter if you feel unsafe or need help and someone to be on your side. This is a cultural problem. Our society still justifies unacceptable behavior, and you might find that some or most people - police, friends, etc. - don't give support the way they should. I had someone I thought was a friend who told me that my husband didn't rape me because he was entitled to sex. She was mad that I left him, and supported him in isolating me from my children, and also refused my calls after telling me earlier that she would always be there for me. But there are people who get it. It isn't perfect, but you can start now and develop a safety plan and decide what you want to do. Your husband may or may not ever change. If he won't go to counseling, go to counseling for yourself, for help with how to deal with this situation and finding the appropriate resources. Maybe he will decide to join you eventually, or maybe not. But you will learn how you deserve to be treated and that you have options.

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

I wish that I had called the cops when my (now ex)husband threw a couch across the living room. I wish I had left, or made him leave rather, then instead of waiting several more years. Mine didn't physically hurt me, but was angry a lot and made everyone walk on eggshells and still has the kids under his control. He got pushier with sex even though I couldn't stand him, to the point that he raped me and I spent three years sleeping on the couch because I couldn't sleep in the same room with him. I didn't want to lose my kids and my animals, or harm them by putting them through divorce. So he got to call the shots and decided to throw me out when I was at my most vulnerable and unable to support myself. I didn't figure that I deserved any help or was eligible for a women's shelter since he hadn't hit me or anything, so I wound up homeless, sleeping in my car, for a month. He said that I never did anything for him and all that I deserved was my "car payments and student loan payments." The divorce decree says that I was supposed to get half of our belongings and joint custody of the kids, etc., but the kids lived with him since I didn't want to deprive them of a home and I couldn't provide for them, and I was banished. He decreed that I was not allowed to exist. The kids think that he needs them and are reluctant to spend any time with me and leave him alone for even a short time.

My point is if you wait, he can call the shots and get whatever he wants. If he is throwing things around, he is intimidating you and clearly in the wrong, which at least gives you some leverage. When he is always making a big deal that you are wrong about everything, it isn't about right or wrong, it is about power and control just like when he is throwing things. If he keeps you off balance and questioning yourself, he feels powerful. What would happen if you did and said the same things that he does? There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I found it in the library. It defined all of the patterns, and looking back, now I can see it. You are deserving of support, and you can go to a women's shelter if you feel unsafe or need help and someone to be on your side. This is a cultural problem. Our society still justifies unacceptable behavior, and you might find that some or most people - police, friends, etc. - don't give support the way they should. I had someone I thought was a friend who told me that my husband didn't rape me because he was entitled to sex. She was mad that I left him, and supported him in isolating me from my children, and also refused my calls after telling me earlier that she would always be there for me. But there are people who get it. It isn't perfect, but you can start now and develop a safety plan and decide what you want to do. Your husband may or may not ever change. If he won't go to counseling, go to counseling for yourself, for help with how to deal with this situation and finding the appropriate resources. Maybe he will decide to join you eventually, or maybe not. But you will learn how you deserve to be treated and that you have options.

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OMG! Your ex is a psycho! I'm glad that you left him! Sorry to hear that he took the kids from you and left you homeless! That is just heartless! See, this is part of the reason why I can't leave him. I'm terrified that I'll end up the same way! Sorry to hear about your so called friend too. That is just disgusting! No man is entitled to sex! He raped you! I need to get a job and save up money of my own first. I don't have any special skills or a college degree, so getting a job is going to be really hard for me. I haven't worked in over 10 years. I wish that I didn't quit working for that long.

I can't just get up and leave. I have to really plan things carefully if things are going to get worse or end up staying the same. I will join this support group for domestic violence victims at the library if they still have that service there. Thanks for suggesting that book. I think that I might've read it before. I'll have to check that out again. He's home now and still giving me the silent treatment. I have to sleep on the couch for now since I'm still scared. This will probably last a week, ugh!

So, how did you manage to get out of being homeless? Do you get to see your kids now? That's not right that you didn't get any spousal support from him-

[Rapunzel]

I pay him child support. When he threw the couch, I was about a year into graduate school. When he threw me out, I had finished my degree and had an internship job, but it was only part time and when I went to them and said that I needed enough work to be able to support myself, they fired me. One of my professors offered me full time work in another state at a business that was not run well and didn't treat me well either, but it was a full time job while it lasted (about six months). When I got a job, I sent an email to everyone I knew asking about a low cost place to live. A friend who rents rooms in her basement offered me a place (I only had a 5 hour commute to work but I stayed out there for the days that I was working so I only had to do the drive out and back once each in a week). I'm still living in my friend's basement. I have lived here for three years and have been unemployed two more times including currently. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome a year and a half ago, so now I know why I struggle with keeping jobs.

If I had ended the marriage when he threw the furniture, he would have left, as he had a job in a different city and I had a good job where we were at the time, and I could have kept the house, kids, and animals. As it is, we moved to where his job was, and he picked a time to end it when I didn't have adequate income, and I did lose my kids and animals. I should have gotten a lawyer, but we had no money and I didn't want to add to the expenses and drag it out, and I have never been able to speak up for myself, so I just signed his paperwork and left with my car and what I had in the car. If your situation is like mine, get support and question everything and speak up for yourself. Even if you don't think that you can.

I have always been painfully shy and had extreme social anxiety. For most of the time I was married, I was very isolated. We lived in a rural area, there was only car and he took it to work, and I didn't know anybody. I was at home with the kids, homeschooling. I went back to school after a severe depressive episode made me realize that I wasn't even really alive. From that point, I found PC, found a job, etc. If I did it, you can too. And even though there are things that I would change, I am better off than I was stuck in that marriage.

Two of my kids are out on their own now. One working, one in college. I see the oldest one fairly often. The middle one is at college about an hour from where I live, and it's getting better with her. She has her dad's temper and has been very angry at me sometimes. But she can be nice when she gets something out of it. My youngest still lives with his dad and I keep trying to get more time with him but he resists, and I'm worried about him because they moved back to the rural area where I was so isolated, and my son has no friends and no interest in anything social and no real initiative. He's autistic spectrum too but nobody wants to listen to me on that so he isn't getting treatment and hasn't been diagnosed officially. My oldest daughter has the dogs and one of our cats, so I get to see them sometimes too. I am not allowed to have pets where I live, and that is painful, but at least I'm not completely alone. Maybe next week or eventually I will have a job, and maybe now that I know what I'm dealing with, I'll be able to find a way to hang on to a job and get into a position to have my own home.

Wow, you sure went through a lot! You're a very strong person! I'm glad to hear that you're doing so much better now! How do you know when you have Asperger's syndrome? What are the symptoms? How does it make relating to other people harder? That's not right that you were fired for having a disability. Sometimes I think that I was fired from a few jobs in the past since I can't really connect with most people most of the time. I tried being nice and polite to people at work in the past, but that's not enough.

Anyways, that's great that you were able to find a place to stay at. At least you get to still see your kids. Sorry to hear about not being able to have any animals where you're at- Perhaps you can volunteer at an animal shelter so that you can be around other animals? I have two cats that I love. They're my kids. Animals can often offer a special kind of unconditional love and acceptance that most people can't offer. About your son who is autistic, sorry to hear about that.

If there's anyone who can help you get help for your son, I'd reach out to them. Perhaps the in-laws or your parents might be able to help you out? Maybe even a friend or a teacher of his? I hope that you end up getting the job that you want. PM me anytime if you need to talk more!

[Rapunzel]

This about sums it up: Adult Asperger?s: The Relief of A Diagnosis | Psych Central

The main thing is social impairment. Problems with eye contact, missing social cues that everybody else seems to get. Not knowing how to make friends. Being considered odd or weird by other people from an early age. I always felt like I was different. As a kid, I thought it was because I was short (that was the main thing I got bullied for), but there was a lot more to it. I was always an outsider. In college, my roommates excluded me. I was asking them to help me understand and help me to meet people and make friends, and they refused saying things like "if you don't know then we're not going to tell you." I was strong academically, but disorganized and didn't understand the importance of things like due dates and deadlines. I was in the honors program in my major, and had one of the highest GPAs, but didn't get accepted to graduate school because the faculty said that I was too awkward socially and they didn't think that I should be in a field where I worked with people. They told me to get a second bachelor's degree in engineering. So I gave up for about 15 years.

The other things have to do with unusual interests or perseveration on a limited subject area, and then there are sensory differences and odd motor skills (people always told me that I walk funny, and I was no good in sports - that was another area where I was always rejected). And often problems with organization (I know where my stuff is, but if someone else looks at it they think it's nothing but chaos). As a child, I would freak out if the noise level got too high. It hurt me. Nobody else thought it was worth getting upset over. Stuff like that.

The rest of it is that it causes problems in some area: relationships, academics, work, etc.; and then what it isn't: no language delay, although speech is sometimes different or unusual (a language delay would make it autism instead although in the new DSM there isn't a distinction - it is all autistic spectrum disorder), and cognitive abilities are normal or better (so it is not related to an intellectual impairment).

I hope this isn't more than you wanted to know. I didn't mean to take over your thread - just to encourage you and let you know that you can get through your situation. But if you also have difficulty connecting with people, asperger's may be something for you to look into. And often it is easier to connect with animals because of that unconditional love and acceptance.

Autism/asperger's affects relationships too. It can be harder to communicate what is important to you, and because of that people can get frustrated and treat you worse than they would otherwise, but they are still responsible for their own behavior. They still really do know that throwing things is not acceptable, and they are the ones who did that. My ex refuses to admit that I have Asperger's or that it affects the way that I interacted with him or others. I guess it is easier to maintain that I just have all of these problems because I want to for some reason. He wouldn't consider that the kids are affected either. My ex moved three hours away, near his family, and took my son with him. His family doesn't like me and won't even talk to me. And I have not been able to get any contact information for other people who might be able to help my son. It's a rural community without much available as far as services. I lived there when I had my mental breakdown 11 years ago. Their response was to put me in jail until I convinced them that I wasn't going to kill myself. No follow up after that. I could get a job out there, but I couldn't survive out there if I did. And my family has never bothered to try to make a connection with my children. They live in another state and it doesn't occur to them to try.

Thanks for your suggestions though. There are things that I'm still working on, but I'm a lot better than I was.

If you could do anything that you wanted to do and there was nothing in your way, what would you do?

Rap

Thanks for explaining all of that! I took the Aspegers's test on here and I scored low on it, so I guess that I don't have it as I took two different quizzes. Sorry that makes things hard for you. People should be more supportive of people with disabilities. Unfortunately, it seems as if some people don't think that we're as worthy of equal treatment and respect, ugh! Those people who refused to help you learn how to make friends were very rude and they would've made terrible friends.

I think that I'm mostly shy and a little socially awkward at first it most social situations. I can't really deal with big groups that well. I interact a lot better with people one on one. Don't worry about taking over my thread. I did ask for an explanation after all- You're a very strong person, and you should be proud of how far you've come! You've been blessed with a strong intellect, so perhaps some people might be jealous of that?

Also, sorry to hear about the issue with your son- Also, sorry to hear about your family as well! They should be supportive of you and your son! Shame on them!

[Rapunzel]

I never thought that I was strong. You are standing up for yourself. I say that you are strong too, and could do anything that I have done.

Thanks again Rapunzel-