[BNLsMOM]

I am afraid I don't love my husband and I feel like I want to ask him to leave. I am afraid to. I think he would retaliate by not paying the mortgage and trying to take the kids. He would use my bipolar and disability against me and I would lose my kids and my home. I feel like there is nothing between us but resentment. I don't know what to do.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, you are back at your predicament. Do you have a lawyer who could assess the strength of your H's position in case you file for a divorce?

[BNLsMOM]

I am afraid to even go that far. I only just told my T today that I think I feel this way.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am afraid I don't love my husband and I feel like I want to ask him to leave. I am afraid to. I think he would retaliate by not paying the mortgage and trying to take the kids. He would use my bipolar and disability against me and I would lose my kids and my home. I feel like there is nothing between us but resentment. I don't know what to do.

Before you start the divorce papers I would suggest the following:

1. More counseling to determine why you are worried about retaliation. Is there some history of abuse or something here?
2. Couples counseling. Why are you not in love with him anymore? Working through your mutual resentment and getting back to what got you two together to begin with.
3. Counseling for him as well to work on his own resentment and problems.

[BNLsMOM]

We have been in couple's counseling for 5 years. I have also been in counseling for the same amount of time. He doesn't think he needs to be.

No real history of abuse but he has called me the B-word a few times. I just know him well enough to know that he would act that way, and once when we were talking in counseling about separation and divorce he said that he would try to get custody of the kids. Well, at least our biological son. Then my kids would be separated from each other which would be worse. I also think that my ex might try to get custody of the son we had together and that it would just screw up everything so badly. I have stayed in the marriage mainly for these reasons.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

We have been in couple's counseling for 5 years. I have also been in counseling for the same amount of time. He doesn't think he needs to be.

No real history of abuse but he has called me the B-word a few times. I just know him well enough to know that he would act that way, and once when we were talking in counseling about separation and divorce he said that he would try to get custody of the kids. Well, at least our biological son. Then my kids would be separated from each other which would be worse. I also think that my ex might try to get custody of the son we had together and that it would just screw up everything so badly. I have stayed in the marriage mainly for these reasons.

Oooh ... yeah, I can understand your worries them.

[BNLsMOM]

My T thinks this may be a part of my bipolar cycling but I feel like I used my bipolar as a way to deal with the relationship. When things got bad, I would turn it on myself and work myself into an episode. It is almost like what I am allowing myself to face and feel is being invalidated by the fact that I have bipolar. I know deep inside that I haven't been happy with the relationship pretty much since we moved in together and I just didn't want to hurt my son who had grown to love my husband so I stayed. Then we had a child together and things hit the fan with my bipolar. Now that I am in remission and healthy I am seeing things for what they are.

Your T thinks you are creating bipolar episodes? That doesn't seem fair.

[BNLsMOM]

No, he thinks the episodes are real. So do I. What I mean is that while I was cycling I was also experiencing this unhappiness in my relationship. Because I was cycling, I blamed the unhappiness in the relationship on my bipolar and I would do things to make the bipolar episode worse. I guess so that I could justify feeling so bad.

Now that I am no longer cycling, my T still sees the unhappiness in the relationship ( which has also gone in cycles) as part of my bipolar symptoms because it was so intertwined before.

It is hard to explain, but it kind of feels like The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

[hamster-bamster]

The earlier you get the facts re: his chances of getting the custody of your second son and your ex' chances of winning the custody of your first son, the better. The truth may be sobering, but you will get clarity, which, in turn, will reduce your level of anxiety. Plus, if there are steps you can take to better your position, you should find out about them. I do not know what they might be - perhaps volunteer at the school more - but it is worth finding out. Stash some cash to pay for a clandestine consult with an attorney.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am afraid I don't love my husband and I feel like I want to ask him to leave. I am afraid to. I think he would retaliate by not paying the mortgage and trying to take the kids. He would use my bipolar and disability against me and I would lose my kids and my home. I feel like there is nothing between us but resentment. I don't know what to do.

I'd consult with an attorney. Many states, will NOT weight bi-polar OR any other mental illness AGAINST a parent. They will weight childhood neglect and abuse, but for the most part there's no reason, other than those, that you'd not receive JOINT Legal AND Physical Custody.