[everywhereanywhere]

back story: I was with my ex for 4 years we had a lot of problems we broke up and I felt like it was my fault I went a long time thinking that I was the reason things broke off .I wasn't good enough or I was asking for too much (because I wanted to get engaged) . the last three months of our relationship he went out all the time and would barely talk and it made me feel like a pile of poop.
once it was over I was depressed for a month feeling like I lost a good thing . Like I ruined the best thing I could ever get.

After: after the month I started dating and my friend told me to online date for a bit because I am busy. So I did I went on a couple of dates and either I didn't like the guy or he didn't like me. I finally went on a date and had conversation with someone I was able to open to. When we met it was nice we had fun and I actually enjoyed myself. We went on a few more dates and decided to be together.
but then once together I would compare him , his looks, height, weight, facial appearance, career all to my ex. There were moments when I no longer felt comfortable with him not because of those comparisons but because he cared a lot he was constantly nice always wanted to talk to me and just was always soooooo nice. at times It felt suffocating . We spoke and decided to take a break he wanted me to figure out what I wanted and would still be there as an ear for me. So I got back on the dating site.

Now: I started talking to a guy who met everything I wanted he wasn't too nice but he was a gentleman (or I thought), he was career driven had a good job, loved to travel and was sarcastic. We spoke for two weeks and he asked to meet up ( my poor decision comes up) he was driving from north dekota to new york and was taking a three day break in chicago and wanted me to join him. I said what the hell and I went. THe weekend was fun we did things and I felt things just clicked. When we got back to New york the day after we texted a few times he said he would call and then he didn't. the following day he apologized and told me he spent the night in the hospital and would be there still till later that evening. I called him once i got the text but no answer then I texted that I hope he felt better soon he texted a few more times and stopped so I asked if he was okay how he was feeling . the third day nothing no text at all from him. so in the evening I sent him a text asking if he was still interested and if not to just text back that he wasn't I would prefer the honesty over trying to contact someone over and over. He never replied. Something in me told me to get on the site and he was back on I am guessing searching for something else. I felt like he got what he wanted and now there was nothing to persue. Which bugged me a lot because on our car ride back to NY I asked if he actually wanted to continue seeing where this could go his response was "of course".
I felt terrible like every time I felt like something clicks perfectly especially this time because it was the first time I didn't compare the guy to my ex or think about my ex and then he doesn't call back.
So the guy from before the nice one (call him Mr. A.H) he asked to have dinner with me so I went and I tried to enjoy the time but I kept thinking about how he wasn't everything I want but his personality minus how nice he is was.

I don't want to hurt him because somewhere inside i do like him I can talk to him and be myself and when he talks to I enjoy listening but when he gets nice and tries to be caring and affectionate its turn off. I don't know why
I just want to be able to find the person I am supposed to be with and just stop blaming myself when things don't work out. I felt terrible with my ex at times but the good moments I would repeat those in a heart beat.

What do you think, suggest?

[healingme4me]

Are you just not attracted to him? Does he open up about himself, at all?[AH]
What is it, about being the center of his attention, that is leaving you feeling suffocated? Is he clingy, needy, possessive? What are the red flag indicators, that this nice guy, is truly a bad boy at heart and ever so not right for you?

Are you, not ready for that level of commitment, not that you've expressed it, but nice guys, you bring home to mom, type of thinking here, as far as this one goes?

What exactly, is the elephant, in the room? Or are you just not fully recovered from your ex?

Ex#1, sounds like a roller coaster ride. The NYC trip, sounds like a love em and leave em type. If any, what were your other bf's like?

I guess, if there's no spark there, between AH and you, then it's not fair to him, to trail him along, when he can exert his energies elsewhere, kwim?

Perhaps, there's things, about yourself, to conduct a little more soul searching on. For instance, it's not fair to yourself, to completely blame yourself, for the fall out of the ex of 4 years. It takes two. There's something about him, that played a role in all of this, and he led you along, all those years, to just not commit to you. Not about you not trying harder, just sounds like he didn't know a good thing when it hit him, and decided that continuing to sow his wild oats was more of a priority than investing himself, whole heartedly into a relationship with you.

[everywhereanywhere]

AH: I think he is cute , he can be clingy like he will ask a million and one questions if I don't feel well and he will always compliment and be all mushy. there is nothing about him that shows he is a badboy at heart. I dont know how to explain it but he is just always nice sometimes clingy constantly wants to know how I am and what I am doing. He is an awesome person in general but still. I also don't like how he isn't stabalized with his career. I know that is probably terrible or shallow of me but I was with my ex and he had stuff done and I have stuff done so now this is weird and feels awkward.

I am ready for commitment see with the military guy I had an amazing time and if we would of gone forward I would of had no issues bringing him home.

I am not sure what the elephant in the room is I know that I am over ex and I would never want to go back to him. I hate how I was treated and stuff like that.

they were jocks, kind, usually knew what they wanted to do or where they wanted to go . They were ambitious, we hung out when we could, They weren't so mushy and needy sometimes I even felt like I had to ask for the attention.

I felt like that after I just I don't know for a long time he made it about me wanting things and pressuring or making things move faster. I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated like someone wanted time with me and to commit to me.My ex couldn't and it hurt. and now trying to date and everything its hard because ... Well maybe its me I keep trying to find someone or some kind of feeling that everything is okay and will proceed as supposed to and they will be willing to commit down the line.

[healingme4me]

I feel your mention of the word clingy, a couple of times, in description, is indicative enough for me, to appreciate what you mean about hesitancy. Sometimes, when we come from a relationship, where there wasn't enough doting, we can be a little attention starved, and risk jumping into a new relationship, with someone where the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other. So, it's good, that you are having doubts.

Too much cling, can lead to a controlling behavior in a relationship. Needing to check in to your whereabouts is red flag/elephant in the room enough for me, to say, to you, stick with your gut instincts.

Take your time. It's OK, to be picky, where your love emotions are concerned. It's about you and your needs and finding someone that meshes well with you.

[Perna]

If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it; I have decided I did not like a guy because of his kiss being too sloppy or his looks not being quite right for me, etc. We are mammals and have all that happening as well as our head/heart and all that is mixed in and none is more/less important.

I think you are doing well, knowing you don't want to get back to your old boyfriend because you did not like how he treated you, feeling like the nice guy is "too nice"/smothering (although he reminded me of you texting/calling the rotten truck driver who claimed to be sick when he probably wasn't?). I'm not sure we can find someone who attends when we want and backs off when we want and asks us to marry them when we expect it, etc., you may have to actually focus on the other person and their interests and goals and be interested in them for themselves a bit more?

I like that you are worried about the guy not being stabilized in his career for yourself but I am curious too what that means for the guy, if he is worried or has a plan or what? My husband has been between jobs before but that is meaningless because I trust him and know he is excellent at what he does and that he feels that way about himself and was looking for something specific for himself. My contribution was to try to get him to see I did not care if we lived in a tent (he was more focused on keeping score with how much money he earned) as long as he enjoyed what he did. I think a good relationship means we have to play both sides of the fence; what we want and being aware of what the other wants and wanting them to have/get that, etc.

I would move on though and keep looking, given how you feel about the guys you have described.