[arachnophobia.kid]

I'm working on trying be myself around people. Here is the dilemma:

I think the more I am myself, the more I end up hurting people, naturally. I just don't agree with people nor do I want to take part in most of what people do with their lives. So, in that scenario, I stop pretending and I tell people how I really feel. I get what I need for my mental health but it has the consequence of hurting people, losing friendships, perhaps even losing my job, and creating what most people would agree is an unhealthy lifestyle for myself.

Or,

I could continue as I usually do and be a people pleaser. That way no one gets hurt other than me, as far as I can tell, and at least this way I am doing my best to care for others. But it is extremely trying and requires me to lie and go through varying degrees of inner turmoil on a regular basis.

So far I have decided I want to work at finding a balance between the two but that balance seems to be imaginary. What do you think?

[cdnomore]

Its really rare that people stay in your life forever, people coming and going is just one of those things about being alive we all have to deal with...its hard to say without knowing YOU what exactly you think you do and say that makes people go and creates losses for you.
If you are honest and that makes some people go because your principles and priorities don't mesh, then thats a healthy thing. For all involved.
If you are a jerkasaurus and people leave because you are all jagged teeth, then I guess you'd have to try harder to learn diplomacy and tact...which is another thing we all have to do being alive and all.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by cdnomore

Its really rare that people stay in your life forever, people coming and going is just one of those things about being alive we all have to deal with...its hard to say without knowing YOU what exactly you think you do and say that makes people go and creates losses for you.
If you are honest and that makes some people go because your principles and priorities don't mesh, then thats a healthy thing. For all involved.
If you are a jerkasaurus and people leave because you are all jagged teeth, then I guess you'd have to try harder to learn diplomacy and tact...which is another thing we all have to do being alive and all.

Thank you for pointing out that people coming and going in my life is normal, and if people go because they don't mesh well it is healthy and good for all involved. I've not thought about it like that.

I also like what you said about diplomacy, perhaps that's also part of finding the balance and I should maybe work on getting better at that. I act very gentle, kind, and well behaved, but have also always been very non confrontational. I suppose if I was more comfortable with telling people how I felt I'd be able to figure out who I truly mesh with.

Still, I think I may be a jerkasaurus at heart. I've been working on some version of 'a good person' for as long as I can remember and I think continued work in that direction is going to end in me feeling even further away from who I really am.

I'm starting to feel like I'm asking you if it's okay for me to be a sociopath.

[unaluna]

I like the saying, "The right to swing my arm - ends at the next person's nose."

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by hankster

I like the saying, "The right to swing my arm - ends at the next person's nose."

Good saying, I agree with it. I don't think life is that simple but I will keep it in mind for when it is applicable. Thanks for that.

[cdnomore]

I dunno, the whole pop psych frasing is so easy to analyze and find similarities...in re: to sociopath.
I would hate to throw a label at you, and think it had anything to do with you at all. I was only using two extremes to give an example...how would I know anything.
I do know though, that when you try to cut and paste a personality that you think people will LIKE it only harms you in the end.
You don't really know who you are, and you don't like the you that you aren't sure you are.
It seems like you could use some introspection tools, like journaling for yourself...you could define your own what you want to be, and who you are to yourself. You could isolate your reactions and learn to understand why you do that or say that, and then you could learn how to change the things that don't work for YOU because you don't like it.
I do that, and it helps...when I didn't do it, I was constantly seeking answers to questions I didn't know from other people. I was always rebuilding the same kind of problems with every relationship.
When I started seeking the answers to what I knew my questions were I started finding them instead of hoping for it from others...