[Canyon]

I guess I will start out by saying that I view friendship as a relationship of mutual give and take. Basically like you have each other's back when things are tough (my personal definition, of course).

I have this "friend" (I use that term loosely) that I have a really hard time distancing myself from.

I know this may sound selfish or harsh, but I have basically reached my end with this person. It is not that she is a horrible person. It's just that the friendship is all about what I can do for her. When things are going well for her or she doesn't need a ride to go somewhere, then I don't hear from her for long stretches at a time. It's like she doesn't even consider that someone other than her has emotional needs.

I have sat on the phone and in person with her and listened for what seemed like hours on end listening to her go on and on about things that piss her off or injustices that she has perceived to have been perpetrated against her. I have done that thinking that maybe she would return the favor sometime when I'm at my weakest.

In the last few months I have had a couple of really traumatic things happen to me. She would say that she would be there for me if I would come pick her up. I would go pick her up in an all out crisis thinking that I was going to finally get some support from her. Both times I did that, I was left to listen to her go on and on again. Both times she would apologize for venting so much to me. She would say that she thought that it would take my mind off of what I was going through IN THAT VERY MOMENT. Then she would say how tired she was from all of the stress she is under and ask me to take her home.

I feel like she just uses me much the same way a john uses a prostitute. When she is finished getting her release then she gets up and leaves me feeling inconsequential.

I'm wondering if others have people like that in their lives and how they deal with it?

[River11]

Woh! How very self-centred and one-way is this person?!!

No, it does not sound selfish or harsh at all, Canyon, that you've reached the end. What you describe as how she relates to you does not sound like friendship to me, either.

I'm sorry you've had to go through that, where you thought you had someone to turn to in such a crisis time and just got dumped on instead.

With people who make it apparent that they're only able to receive support, I either decide to only interact if and when I'm feeling strong enough to give, distance myself if I find that what they need I ain't got, or in the case of it being a family member I try to remember to keep my expectations realistic so I'm not let down.

If it's a case of her just using you (and I do like your analogy there), I think it would be quite healthy of you to move away from that - like letting her know you're not available when she contacts you for a ride again (cos why get taken for a ride again?!)

[Trippin2.0]

How do I deal with those people?
If you're not related to me, you are now an aquaintance. I see you by chance, and don't provide any opportunity for you to leech off of me.

If you're family, in this case its my sister, I invest nothing, expect nothing and also I keep you at arms length. We are not buddies, we are not friends and me listening to your *****ing is a rare event.

Don't feel bad, this "friend" of yours has bled you dry and one sided relationships are never worth it.

[Webgoji]

That's my whole friggin' life! I subcons ... subcon ... without thinking about it surround myself with people that need my emotional support.

For the first time since I started working at age 14 (26 years ago) I actually have a boss that I can ask a question of and not have to figure it out myself.

My wife and I are about 90/10 emotional support; she can give me a pat on the back now and then, but I keep her going.

My friends call me for problems, but have nothing to offer in return.

My sister is a drug addict so my family calls me for support. It goes on and on ...

I attract emotional vampires like flies to stink and I unknowingly seem to seek them out. So the question was, how do I deal with it?

I take pills and contemplate suicide from time to time. Not the right method I know, but I have no idea what to do with my life these days.

[Citrine]

I knew a few people like this, all take and no give. I had to remove them from my life. They were never happy for me. They were never worried for me. They would outdo me with their woes when quite honestly they had teeny ones. They would make use of me. Especially as Im very giving. Its nothing to me to help someone and they knew it.

I know someone now that is a bit of a problem bit as I hardly see them its ok. If my leg dropped off and I told them, they uh uh and then say `well Ive had really bad toothache' They also have me around for `lunch' when they need help with something.

You need to cut off, abruptly and you will feel so much better. I promise.

[hvert]

I have a friend like that! I keep telling myself that 'this will be the last time,' but I find myself continuing to make plans with her --- and then dreading the thought of seeing her. I wish I knew how to fix the one-sided talking problem.

Requests for favors are much easier for me to deal with. I ignore all hints. When asked directly, I just say 'No.' If they push, I keep it vague. 'Sorry, I can't.' 'No, that doesn't work for me.'

Be careful using excuses like 'I don't have enough gas.' In my experience, they offer to pay and never do. It's better to have some sort of general car problem that leaves you not wanting to drive your car unless you absolutely have to

For people who try to 'trick' me into doing a favor (by getting you to agree to see them and then springing their request for a ride), I just cancel the whole event via email or text a day or two later. I am so bad at dealing with this stuff verbally.

Just curious -- was your relationship ever balanced? When you first met, was there more give and take? Or was she always a taker?

[Canyon]

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I'm sorry that so many find themselves in the same type of situation.

Hvert, you asked if the relationship was ever more balanced; after some thought I realize that it really never was. I met and became friends with her at a psych hospital-- bad idea. I think I was just so low and lonely then I just overlooked some things that I shouldn't have.

I guess the sort of last straw was when she admitted to me recently that she had only been in the hospital with me because she had heard from others that she could say that she was suicidal and have a place to stay. She was not willing to go to some sort of shelter. She told me that she doesn't really believe in psychiatry and meds. It was just a means to an end.

It really ticked me off that she had sat in on so many groups listening to people spill their guts, and all the while she was really just mocking.

[cdnomore]

I have a friend that recently completed her graduate as a family marriage counselor! I never meant to but, I found myself unloading at the simplest questions..."How are you?", "Well....lemmee telllll youu...." she always knew exactly what to say, seemed genuinely interested, and helped me tremendously!
One day, as I was starting my, lemmmeee tellll youuuuu, moments, she just out and said" Hey, I feel like I really need you to be present for ME right now, I'm having a hard time with this."
Just like that, and it made me stop thinking of me me me, whenever I was in her company...and I always let her have the floor first now, and we talk about whatever for a while, before I go into anything, by then I will have decided if I even need to talk about me, or if it can wait.
I love my friend, and she loves me too, it wasn't the end of the friendship because we can be honest with each other, geez. Thats what a good friendship is.

[Koko2]

I have a psychic vampire, but can't shag 'em because they're related and follow me around, always looking for a donation from moi.

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by Koko2

I have a psychic vampire, but can't shag 'em because they're related and follow me around, always looking for a donation from moi.

Sorry to hear that Koka. I think a lot of families have at least one.

[JadeAmethyst]

Originally Posted by cdnomore

I have a friend that recently completed her graduate as a family marriage counselor! I never meant to but, I found myself unloading at the simplest questions..."How are you?", "Well....lemmee telllll youu...." she always knew exactly what to say, seemed genuinely interested, and helped me tremendously!
One day, as I was starting my, lemmmeee tellll youuuuu, moments, she just out and said" Hey, I feel like I really need you to be present for ME right now, I'm having a hard time with this."
Just like that, and it made me stop thinking of me me me, whenever I was in her company...and I always let her have the floor first now, and we talk about whatever for a while, before I go into anything, by then I will have decided if I even need to talk about me, or if it can wait.
I love my friend, and she loves me too, it wasn't the end of the friendship because we can be honest with each other, geez. Thats what a good friendship is.

Yes, this is an example of how friendship can be. I had a friend like this once, we really could let go and listen to each other mutually.....Until, one day I found out that she "mentioned" something I had shared to someone else. It was one of those "slips" that pop out unexpectedly. I felt betrayed, ashamed and deeply hurt, and stupid for allowing myself to confide in her. I believed and trusted her, had known her for years. It was a sad and valuable lesson.
Jade

[cdnomore]

I'm sorry that happened, but I hope you forgave her somehow...maybe she was confiding your story because she felt like she needed to help you too, and did a major slip up.
I had a friend that did this when we were young, everyone in school learned something about me that I really wish they hadn't learned, by the time it got back to me it had turned into a monster, totally different than the story I had shared with her.
Everyone forgot about it eventually, and so did I, but I was hurt too.
I understand that feeling.
Your friend probably would not do that again, and misses the friendship you once had. I can only assume because that's how I would feel if I were the person who slipped up.

[JadeAmethyst]

Yes, I did forgive her, our relationship did change from this exchange. I see your point that we all make slips on occasion very good point to mention. Thanks!