How do you keep a relationship balanced when you always seem to need more than you can give? It's not like I want to be that person and I always tend to avoid expressing needs or that I feel sick or am in pain until it gets to the point where I can't stand it. And I'm in pain or sick a lot, so that's kind of a problem.

I also seem to need more emotional support than they do as well. I just hate asking for support that I can probably never adequately reciprocate. It doesn't seem fair.

I really don't have much to offer at this point other than company and good conversation, but surely that doesn't cancel out my "debt".

The only way I know to keep a relationship fair to the other person is to not express needs, but then that's not fair to me I guess.

[healingme4me]

It's also not fair to them, to not know what you need.

Is it still unfair if I don't expect them to know what I need and wouldn't hold it against them in any way?

I don't know…it seems like there is no way for me to be in a balanced relationship.

I felt it relevant to bump this as another thread mentioned "emotional vampires". I don't want to be one, but I feel like I'd have to tell all my friends to move on. I couldn't have friends at all or any kind of relationship. I'm just rarely in a place myself where I could really help someone else out. And even if I can, I don't know how to.

So, is that why this thread originally didn't get many responses? Because I'm considered bad or possibly even evil because I don't know how to fairly balance relationships?

[Trippin2.0]

I highly doubt that's the reason your thread got less than the desired amount of responses.

You actually seem to me like the exact opposite of an emotional vampire, and I actually find myself sad and frustrated that you believe yourself to be so undeserving and unworthy.

You've made it clear that your standards where dating men are set very low, all you basically want is to feel safe and be treated like a humanbeing, anything more would be a bonus. You've also made it abundantly clear that you don't feel like you deserve to have your needs met, so emotionally you'd actually be very cheap, and not at all like a vampire. But I worry at what cost to you.

Balance is important, we all have to learn at one point or another how to strike ours. Maybe my balance looks nothing like Max's, and his looks nothing like yours, but it doesn't mean none of us have found balance.

I think that if you're hoping to copy and paste my balance, that it won't work for you, and probably seems impossible to do. But you also have to be open to new ideas and not shoot everything down because its unfamiliar or scary. Sometimes people stop talking when its clear that for whatever reason the listener refuses to listen.

[IndieVisible]

I think the key to a fair relationship is a mutual love and respect and caring for each other. What we do for each other are just ornaments. The real prize is what's behind the face and in the heart. Of course you would be there when needed. If one has more needs so what? Ornaments. The debt is paid by the heart.

[Trippin2.0]

No 2 people are exactly the same, so one is going to need more than the other, one is going to be more affectionate than the other, etc.

I need more emotional support than my bf does. I also need a different type of support to him. While I need a sounding board, hugs and a strong character to call me out on my bullshyt, he needs someone willing to give him space or just offer to be present when neccessary.

Yes a relationship is give and take, but goodness there shouldn't be a score card because both parties WANT to give in whatever capacity they're able to.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I highly doubt that's the reason your thread got less than the desired amount of responses.

You actually seem to me like the exact opposite of an emotional vampire, and I actually find myself sad and frustrated that you believe yourself to be so undeserving and unworthy.

You've made it clear that your standards where dating men are set very low, all you basically want is to feel safe and be treated like a humanbeing, anything more would be a bonus. You've also made it abundantly clear that you don't feel like you deserve to have your needs met, so emotionally you'd actually be very cheap, and not at all like a vampire. But I worry at what cost to you.

Balance is important, we all have to learn at one point or another how to strike ours. Maybe my balance looks nothing like Max's, and his looks nothing like yours, but it doesn't mean none of us have found balance.

I think that if you're hoping to copy and paste my balance, that it won't work for you, and probably seems impossible to do. But you also have to be open to new ideas and not shoot everything down because its unfamiliar or scary. Sometimes people stop talking when its clear that for whatever reason the listener refuses to listen.

I guess I was looking for ideas to how other people balance needs, so I could relate it to my own. For example, I sort of have a "special" diet…somewhere between vegetarian and vegan and I feel badly that that means when I go to someone's house for dinner or go out to eat that the choices are severely limited. I mean, I think I ruined my Dad's birthday dinner because we went to a Thai place with vegetarian options rather than a steakhouse where I'd either have to get really creative with a salad option or not eat anything at all. Which actually is fine. Other than my blood sugar crashing occasionally, it doesn't bother me that much if I don't eat.

I just don't think it's fair that my diet accidentally affects other people's diets…I would rather not eat than ruin someone else's meal.

And the other big issue—my problems with touch—it's not like I don't want to be touched at all ever, it's just that I'd have to be eased into it because touch wasn't how affection was shown to me. I don't associate the two like a normal person does. How is that fair to someone else? When they can just date nearly anyone else who doesn't have a problem with touch…I mean, I don't even know how to explain the problem. It's not like anyone who wants to show affection that way is going to stick around long enough for me to explain why I seem "physically distant" on a date. Example: The guy I've liked since the Fall prefers expressing affection in a physical manner, but when we went out on a date he gave me enough space to feel safe. I'm sure he left feeling that he wanted someone he could touch and I would appear to be the opposite of that. It's too bad; there are few guys that I would feel safe alone with and he would be one of them. But I've probably already burned that bridge.

What I really want to know is when am I asking too much? And how do you ask for something like physical space and being taught how to show affection? It would pretty much have to come up on the first date because they're never going to go on the second date with you anyway because you weren't touchy-feely enough. I'm not talking anything suggestive either, just hugs and holding hands and such.

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Of course you would be there when needed. If one has more needs so what?

What if I want to be there when needed but I can't, either physically or emotionally? And do people really not care if someone they're paired with has more needs than them? Doesn't that lead to resentment? Especially if you can't fulfill all of their needs.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

No 2 people are exactly the same, so one is going to need more than the other, one is going to be more affectionate than the other, etc.

I need more emotional support than my bf does. I also need a different type of support to him. While I need a sounding board, hugs and a strong character to call me out on my bullshyt, he needs someone willing to give him space or just offer to be present when neccessary.

Yes a relationship is give and take, but goodness there shouldn't be a score card because both parties WANT to give in whatever capacity they're able to.

This makes logical sense when I read it, but it all still seems surreal to me. I'm trying to imagine me typing those paragraphs about a hypothetical partner, but I might as well be describing my vacation on the moon. It's just all from some other imaginary world.

[Webgoji]

Personally, I can only speak from my experience, but the "emotional debt" is based on how much each person of a relationship is willing to give. We can't control the other person and shouldn't even try, we can only look at ourselves and say, "This is what I'm willing to invest in this relationship."

Let's take some examples from my life.

My work relationships I'm only willing to invest a small amount of my energy into. There's no return that I value so I don't really worry too much about how others are feeling and what I can do for them while I'm at work.

When I coach youth sports, I invest a TON more of my emotional energy. They kids give it back seven-fold and it's a great time.

With my wife, I put it all on the table and don't really expect much back. That relationship is really, really important to me so I'm willing to invest a boatload of my emotional energy into it for limited return. My marriage, as stated by my wife, is about a 90/10 split with me doing 90% of the emotional support and her giving me the occasional pat on the back.

So it's not up to you. You can only invest what you are willing to lose and it's the same for the others.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I guess I was looking for ideas to how other people balance needs, so I could relate it to my own. For example, I sort of have a "special" diet…somewhere between vegetarian and vegan and I feel badly that that means when I go to someone's house for dinner or go out to eat that the choices are severely limited. I mean, I think I ruined my Dad's birthday dinner because we went to a Thai place with vegetarian options rather than a steakhouse where I'd either have to get really creative with a salad option or not eat anything at all.

Are there no restaurants that serve pasta dishes as well as carnivorous ones? Maybe a buffet type restaurant would be a better option in the future, I doubt that you either go vegetarioan or go home at EVERY restaurant, there must be a compromise. Or maybe your food & beverage industry just really sucks there.

I just don't think it's fair that my diet accidentally affects other people's diets…

Sometimes its not even about accidental unfairness, sometimes its just preference and we make compromises daily to accommodate eachother's preferences. So please don't feel bad for having legitimate reasons for a specific diet. It just isn't rational.

And the other big issue—my problems with touch—it's not like I don't want to be touched at all ever, it's just that I'd have to be eased into it because touch wasn't how affection was shown to me. I don't associate the two like a normal person does. How is that fair to someone else?
When someone likes you, really likes you and they are interested in persuing a meaningful relationship with you. The thought process isn't "Life is so unfair because my gf is a virgin!" or "my life really sucks because my gf is uncomfortable with spontaneous touch" ... nope. That doesn't happen, not even close. Because the person is investing in us and they are interested in helping us grow, and are willing to help us over the hurdles.

When they can just date nearly anyone else who doesn't have a problem with touch…
If he's interested in you, his interest isn't based on whether or not you like touch, so why on Earth would he seek someone else out BASED on your disinterest?

I mean, I don't even know how to explain the problem. It's not like anyone who wants to show affection that way is going to stick around long enough for me to explain why I seem "physically distant" on a date.

This I actually have no comment on. In my culture we don't do the whole casual dating thing. Here we meet, become friends, date exclusively (its generally non-negotiable) and then get married or break up. I would never go to dinner with a virtual stranger and idk anyone who would. My bf and I started out as HS friends and he accepted me and all the bullshyt that is my baggage long before romance was even put on the table. Friends first would be a good way for him to know before hand about your aversion to touch...

Example: The guy I've liked since the Fall prefers expressing affection in a physical manner, but when we went out on a date he gave me enough space to feel safe. I'm sure he left feeling that he wanted someone he could touch and I would appear to be the opposite of that.

You are making assumptions based on nothing except your own fears and low opinion of yourself. Unless he's actually said he thought it a better idea to seek out a touch friendly woman, then this thought is null and void. Any number of things could've happened, none of which you know. You only assume and speculate and you CANNOT make future decisions or form opinions based on that.

It's too bad; there are few guys that I would feel safe alone with and he would be one of them. But I've probably already burned that bridge.
Idk, have you? Sometimes life just gets in the way and its not something we've done personally

What I really want to know is when am I asking too much?
You are asking too much when A: The person doesn't have that to offer, and B: When all you DO is ask but offer nothing in return.
How do you know if you're in boat A? Communication. Communication. Communication.

And how do you ask for something like physical space and being taught how to show affection? It would pretty much have to come up on the first date because they're never going to go on the second date with you anyway because you weren't touchy-feely enough.
Again, I can't really comment because our dating culture is different. By the time a guy is my bf he knows a lot more than my last name. Friends first.

I'm not talking anything suggestive either, just hugs and holding hands and such. I gathered as much yes, my niece is not the huggy type, her bf is... but they compromise. They hug upon greetings, but no cuddly stuff. Although hugs and cuddles are acceptable when you're sad and need them. That's the exception to the rule. Relationships are about blending 2 seperate WHOLE lives, so compromise is a given. If neither is prepared to and everything goes in favour of 1 partner, then your ship is bound to sink. Fast.


What if I want to be there when needed but I can't, either physically or emotionally?

Atm you don't even know what this would entail, so you don't know that it would be an issue at all. Your future bf may not want comforting hugs, what if he's like my bf and hides in his man cave for days? And in the event that you want to be there in a way that he needs but makes you uneasy, then you will learn how in time. I didn't know first hand to leave bf to his cave. Instead I bombarded him with lovey dovey stuff that he had no energy for. It is with communication that I have learned what he needs, and with practice that I have learned how to provide it.

And do people really not care if someone they're paired with has more needs than them? No. People don't enter into relationships comparing flaws and shortcomings to see if their scale of neediness matches. Atleast no sane and healthy person does.

Doesn't that lead to resentment? Especially if you can't fulfill all of their needs.

It will only lead to resentment if the partner taking is UNWILLING to give anything in return.

Nobody should be expecting to have all their needs met by one person, because we are not superheros. We have friends for certain things (like *****ing about partner), family for other things (example support regarding friends) and partners for specific things (like feelings or issues that may impact the relationship).

You don't have to dump every bit of baggage on one individual.

[RichardBrooks]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. With touch, it's not that I have an aversion to it, it's more like it's a foreign language -- I've picked up a few words here and there, but forget about having a conversation with me. I've got Asperger's and alexithymia, so the entire emotional realm is the same way for me. But not being able to communicate how I feel doesn't mean I don't feel, the same as not being able to glean how another person feels without them coming out and telling me in direct terms doesn't mean I don't care how they feel. So my own emotional needs go unmet because I don't know how to communicate them; the other person's emotional needs go unmet because I'm unaware of them or don't know how to address them without being told; and we both end up mad at each other. That is, of course, unless we both understand each other and are open about our needs and our emotions.

You speak of balance and fairness and debt as if you can apply some kind of accounting formula to your relationship. I've learned the hard way that you can't approach relationships that way. In this regard, the answer to your original question, "How do you keep a relationship balanced?" is "You can't." Relationships are about learning and growing and understanding and giving accepting and support and respect. And communication. Always communication and much of it. And all of those things are constantly working both ways, and it's never in complete balance. It would be boring if it was. You worry that you need too much, and that's just not true. You need what you need. Everyone's needs are different.

It isn't a math problem. You can't make it balance. But, with communication and openness and willingness, you can make it work. And that's much better, in my opinion at least. Something in balance is static at best. Balance must be maintained; if it's not, the whole thing topples over. Something that is working, on the other hand, is dynamic. It moves and reacts and changes. It's almost hardly ever in perfect balance. But that is its very strength.

[Ashima]

You are not needy. You have needs and everyone's are different. And they change all the time. Reprogram that tape that says you are needy. Tell it to shut up. RichardBrooks---another replier is right. You can't balance a relationship and if some dumb article says you can, don't read any more of it.

Balance can come from yourself so for instance, if it's a pain to stick to a special diet, go off it occasionally to be more easy going and accomodating, if it really doesn't do you harm. Which is worse? Going off the diet for one meal or living with the guilt of making others do things differently on your behalf?

Good luck!

The problem with going off the diet is for a lot of foods I avoid, I would get very sick. For other foods, I may not get physically ill, but I feel even guiltier about it. It really is easier for me to just eat before or after on my own if it's going to be a problem.

Trippin2.0- The guy that I referred to as the one I went on a "date" with, I did know him from something else. And for all I know, it wasn't even a date to begin with. I usually can't tell for sure and I'm just going off of what people more knowledgable on the subject tell me. It's just that we don't live all that close to each other, so seeing each other all the time (in order to become friends) probably isn't going to happen.

Another thing…and I'm not disagreeing with you on the friends first deal, but in the time it would take me to become friends with a single guy, he's going to find someone else. That's if I can become friends with a single guy. The only guys that have been open about being friends with me are already married/in a relationship or just came out of a relationship with one of my female friends. It may be a U.S. culture thing for all I know, but I'm not the sort of person a single guy is going to become friends with because most of them seem to choose female friends based on whether or not they want to have sex with them, not whether or not they would actually be compatible as friends. And so, for some reason I don't understand (maybe my aversion to touch), I'm not desirable in that department, so I pretty much have zero chance of being friends with a guy unless he's in a long term relationship (and will actually choose friends based on who would be a good friend instead of who they want to sleep with).

RichardBrooks- I've never been diagnosed with having Asperger's or anything like that, but then again doctors never really tell me my psychological diagnosis anyway, so who knows—maybe a doctor did at some point but didn't tell me because I didn't ask. I would have never known what my official depression and anxiety diagnosis was because I didn't ask right away—I was just put on corresponding pills and the diagnosis fit so I just assumed I had something like that.

But whether or not I have something like that, I don't seem to be able to communicate needs. Maybe physical needs, but I usually didn't have to with my Mom. I would just walk in the room and she would know I was hungry because of how long ago it was since I ate last. Either that or it was the thought of "Why else would I be talking to her?" Who knows.

The point is, I don't feel like I can communicate needs because I feel guilty about even having the basic needs, like having to eat. So how am I really going to ask for something beyond that?

I just wonder if maybe I wasn't meant to have more than friends (not like I'm complaining about actually having friends who don't seem to mind me being around, mind you). A lot of my needs will never be met that way, but it isn't like they ever really were. So you'd think I'd just be used to it by now. Or I would have found some other way to get those needs met, but unfortunately not. Imagining getting my needs met is (obviously) not the same.