Jealousy Issues

My girlfriend is the relationship type. She's been in relationships before and has had sex before. Overall, she comes off as the type of girl that has sex with a boyfriend to enhance the relationship. (Like many girls)

None of her ex bfs get to me so I feel pretty normal in that regard.

However, one of her sexual partners was a guy that told her the plan was to be friends with benefits. In fact, he told her that his plan was to date someone else, and the basis of their hookup was knowing that beforehand. I have the most difficult time picturing her saying yes to it even once, let alone on multiple occasions. This makes me jealous because I often feel like she never would have done that with me, making me sexually inferior. To make things worse, there was a long period where she described him as a gentlemen. Keep in mind, she never had intention of dating him.

In fact, when we started falling in love, he asked her if she could paint him something (she was an art major) that meant a lot to him. She agreed to do it, but ended up not doing it. Even though she didn't do it, it bothers me that when she was falling in love with me, she even considered the possibility of taking an entire day, painting him something. It makes me feel like I wasn't very moving.

She describes the whole experience as something she was trying to convince herself was respectable. I really want to believe her, but my insecure inner self struggles with it. My insecurities make me feel like the whole reason why she struggled to view him as an asshole was because she got something out of it (i.e. an ugly guy would have gotten a slap in the face, but a hot guy gets called a gentlemen because his attractiveness makes the whole experience feel more like a fair trade).

A bit about myself: I was bullied in high school for my looks. I don't want to go into it, but just know that it was fairly harsh. This is my first relationship and sexual partner.

How do I learn to get past the whole painting? I try telling myself that she decided not to do it, but it bothers me that I look back on the root of our relationship and picture her telling an old hookup that she would paint him something. I know with 100% certainty, I would not have responded positive to any other girl.

Please realize that I am here for help. If I seem very insecure, it's mostly because my past experiences with women have never made me feel hot. My gf and I have talked about this whole thing, and to anyone who thinks I am some as$hole projecting my insecurities onto her, know that I have talked about this with her in a way that focuses on my personal insecurity issues.

I would appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance.

Sounds like you and she have areas that might be useful to explore, so that you and she can have a better understanding of what you want in your relationship, the limits that are comfortable for each of you, and how other people are going to be either included or not included, and your comfort level. To clarify. And then you try to figure what will work for your relationship, is it going to continue, or do you make some changes?

Is this person who is getting to you someone who is still currently in the picture? I'm kind of confused reading your description - I can't tell if she offered to paint the picture for that guy when you were dating her or if the painting is something from the past.

Assuming that all of this stuff is in the past, I would remind myself that
1. She fell in love with you, not him.
2. You are with her now, not him.
3. She chose you.

Sometimes people don't make the best choices. Sometimes people decide to have flings that they know won't go anywhere, even if it's not what they'd normally do.

1. Nice forum name. I grew up watching Jerry Rice and have been a 49ers fan since before he was even drafted.

2. On to the important stuff. Maybe it would help if you understood why she has fallen for you? I mean, if you knew what it was you had over the past guys, maybe that would help them stay in the past? I don't know, but it's something I grasp at as well even after 13 years of marriage.

Perhaps, due to your own life experiences, you view the notion of how she was approached for the painting, differently, than she does. After all, you mentioned feeling that she's trying to justify his proposition as 'respectable', and deep down your post speaks to seeing it differently. How do, two people with varying views resolve this. She may view it, as innocent, your take is as though she's doing things for another, a former flame no less, than she'd willfully offer to you?
Then, come, the justifications. For what some would say innocent, others would say disrespectful.
Perhaps, focus, on the need to justify creating a painting, doing a favor for a former beau, and less on the artwork, itself?

I,, have struggled with similar. It was more about excuses, than anything else.



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Thank you for the responses. To clarify, I am sad to admit this is something that is very much in the past.

My girlfriend is not the type to flirt with other guys and she has made me multiple paintings without me even asking. As far as him being in her life, when I mentioned that him being facebook friends and being able to spy on her bothered me, she removed him immediately, no questions asked. Also, she said that even though she initially agreed to make him a painting, she later realized that she would hate if I did that to her so that's why she ended up not doing it.
Also, my girlfriend is a VERY giving person and struggles to say no. I simply have an inability to relate. I'm a giving person, but I would never do an entire project for someone I used to have sex with while falling in love with someone else. Alas, it is in the past and this is where I struggle.

This is what makes me feel the most guilty. It's clearly a matter of forgiveness for something that happened so long ago. I just struggle with it a lot and it makes me feel horrible about myself.

Part of my forgiveness problems stem from the fact that I have obsessive compulsive disorder (genetic trait, everyone in my family has it). Naturally, specific thoughts (from the past) stick in my brain very easily. Thus, what is in the past feels to me like it's in the present. So even though my GF treats me like complete gold in the present, my brain has the tendency to obsess on particular thoughts from the past. Again, I am not proud of this and I want more than anything to not be this way.

If anyone has any additional thoughts, I would appreciate it. Thanks again!

She wants to have sex with you AND date you; that means you're sexually and romantically superior. Mr. Wants-A-Painting sounds pretty useless compared to you.

I agree with Odee in that your gf clearly prefers your company.

You do not have a jealousy problem. Rather, your problem is in your expectations of your feelings. You expect yourself to forgive. It is in general tough to meet such an expectation, and with ocd, it may simply be impossible. So the thing you truly need to forgive is, paradoxically, those obsessive thougjts running in your mind. Plus, paradoxical approach is helpful in that it builds up to desensitization. So next time those thoughts cpme to your mind, do not chastise yourself but rather say hello to them. "Oh, thoughts about that painting, hello. Long time no see. Make yourselves comfortable - I sure have missed you guys."

...

Eventually you will have had enough to get bored.

Put another way, if you want to talk in terms of forgiveness, it must be easier to forgive yourself than to forgive the gf, if only because you have been acquainted with yourself for longer. So forgive yourself for not forgiving her, and only then move to the next step if is still relevant.

Jealousy issues are tough in any regard, my boyfriend and I bluntly tell eachother if we are jealous of something. One small misunderstanding can ruin a relationship.

She appears to have been committing "emotional adultery" with a past flame even though she was ostensibly hooking up with you. I'm curious why she would seemingly never want to do a painting for you? Have you expressed any interest in her paintings?