[Rapunzel]

Dating is really kind-of new to me at 44 years old. I have been divorced for three years and only started dating last summer. I was married for 20 years, and before that I was pretty awkward and never had much experience with dating or relationships.

I generally figured that nobody would ever be interested in me. I am a lot more stable now than I used to be, but I'm still awkward. I found out not quite two years ago that I have Asperger's syndrome. Boys were always icky, and the ones that were interested in me had something wrong with them. Still, most of the guys that have shown interest in me are either a lot older or they don't have jobs or seem to be doing anything much productive.

So, I met one guy about a month ago and he is interesting. We have a lot of interests in common including both being involved in SCA and both of us are in a musicians' guild (only he hadn't been going much in the last few years because he lacks money and transportation). He is nice. He was going to school to be a massage therapist, but he didn't finish because he couldn't pass the math class that was required. He has also been in the Navy and has had security jobs in the past, but he lost his job (he claims that it was due to medical problems and other stuff that was not his fault, but also has a history of losing a job in assisted living when someone - he says wrongly - accused him of abuse - he lost his certification as a medical assistant) and had an aunt with health problems and decided to be a live in caretaker for her. After his aunt died, his mother was having health problems and he has been helping her. His mother is 90 years old, and may have cancer (waiting for biopsy results). He doesn't have income, doesn't have a car, and owes a considerable debt for the massage therapy program that he didn't finish. Since we met, he started to decide that he needs an income and he is looking at training type jobs and might end up with a minimum wage job if he finds anything.

I have gone out with guy #1 a few times. I had to drive because he has no car. He had money to pay once - probably from his mother, and I'm betting it was his Christmas present. The other times were free things. I started picking him up for music guild practices. He is generous with what he has. He is a good cook, and has cooked for me sometimes. He has told me that he loves me and asked if he could kiss me (I said I wasn't ready). It is hard to imagine a future with him. I would end up supporting him, that is if I can manage to support myself (I have a master's degree but I struggle with keeping a job).

Last night I went to a dance and there was a guy there who asked for my phone number. Guy #2 has worked at the same job for 30 years and is eligible for retirement. He has his own house and a few teenage to young adult children who live with him. I don't know him well yet, but we also have some interests in common including a love of animals.

Both guys are about 10 years older than me. Both have compatible values - same religion, etc. My question is what loyalty do I owe to guy #1 at this point? I am interested in being friends, but I don't know where I want the relationship to go. I want to see what happens for both of us as far as work. But if someone more stable asks me out, would it be wrong for me to get to know him too and see what happens? Do I need to tell either of them about the other at this point?

And another question. At what point should I be telling them that I'm on the autistic spectrum?

[eskielover]

Hi Rapunzel.....It's got to be difficult even thinking about dating after all you have been through in your marriage.

Personally I think guy #1 who has already told you he loves you when he really doesn't know you that well either.....is jumping the guy by a whole lot....sounds like he might think that by telling you he loves you it will TRAP you into staying with him....especially since you are doing all the driving & taking him places. I know my response to his statement would have been......"that's impossible because you don't know me well enough to even determine those kinds of feelings". I actually remember telling a few guys I dated in college that exact same thing when they pulled that line on me. I dated my H for a year before we got married....& now I realize that I didn't LOVE him even before we got married & definitely not after either....& it never grew.

I think it's good for you to take a long time getting to know guy #2 & guy #1....that way you can really compare.....yes, it's ok to make sure you find the right guy if you are really interested in finding one.....but definitely take your time....look at the big picture. If you can't even get enough work to support yourself....there is NO way you need to get tied up with someone who can't even pull their own weight in the relationship let alone anything more serious than marriage.

You don't own either of them any explanation about anything. I was going out once in a while with a guy who I knew was just a friend & who I let know that was where our relationship was.....he liked riding horses which was where I met him & it was nice to have someone to ride with....but he was CONTROLLING & it was a red flag I would never put up with in a close relationship.....I could keep him at a good distance just being friends but even that was a challenge.....it wasn't until after I met the guy I ended up getting married to & it wasn't until after we decided that we were going to get married that I told the other guy about him.

As for your mental health issues....you seriously don't own them any information on that unless you are going to make the relationship into a serious & permanent relationship IMO..........if for some reason it comes up in conversation at some point as related to something that's going on in the relationship that you feel an explanation would help.....maybe then I might say something.....but my personal information is PRIVATE....until I have opened my door for them to enter into my private life....& that would only happen when a relationship gets serious....otherwise....don't bother....just enjoy their company & the chance to do things with someone & see where your feelings go from here. Definitely NOT something I would quickly jump into.

Saying that however.....there have been many times lately where I truly with that I had married the right man.....I if God does have the right person out there in the future.......God will definitely let me know....as I am NOT going to make that same mistake twice & end up with the wrong person.....but it sure would be nice to have someone else there who could help me take care of life as it does get complicated & I do love living on the farm & not in the city.....& it's difficult to keep up all the work alone especially not having the money to pay for help.......I haven't even finished the divorce yet it's complicated from 2100 miles away & not being able to get back out there to get my things in the first place....I basically left everything when I left except what I could fit in one medium sized moving truck I drove from Calif to KY that fall.

I can definitely understand NOT wanting to be alone.....but I can also see a lot of good reasons for continuing to be alone if you don't really find the right person. I think if 2 people both get to know each other really well & then decide that marriage is the right thing......that is the time to explain any mental health issues so that you can work out any of those issues (which really should have come up already in a relationship while getting to know each other if it was going to be a problem).....hope what I'm trying to say makes sense????.....like while getting to know each other you can feel the things that feel awkward...but if you both get to the point where you both decide that you are interested in getting married at that point it's time to work out those awkward feeling issues......then time to get married assuming those things can be worked through.