[laliquepsych]

Hi.. I'm female 28 years old.
I've a relationship with my loved one for about more than two years. The relationship is a serious relationship, where we share our future and willing to build a family together.
We broke up 6 months ago, right before we decide to entering the next level (marriage). The reason he ended our relationship is: my aunty have schizophrenia, and his uncle and cousins have schizophrenia also. His mother (a neurologist and also a professor) did not allow us to marriage. She afraid that our children will suffering schizophrenia (which is one of the cause of schizophrenia is genetic).

My ex-bf said that he love me and will take the risk, but he can't hurt his mom because he is the only son. Im really depressed, i can't accept what happen on us. I feel that i punished with something that i didn't do (my genetic), because of the genetic in me i can marriage with the one i love.

Until now my bf- said that he still fight for us, with talking to his mother. I really hope that his mother accept our relationship.. Can i do something?

I just need help. Im so sorry if my english not good.

[laliquepsych]

Anyone have an idea for my situation?
Like what i have to do to sustain our relationship, or to help him fight for our relationship?

[hvert]

I am not sure what you can do. Does he have to have his mother's permission to marry you? What would happen if you got married without her blessing?

I assume from your post that you are both very much interested in having children.

If this is the case, must they be your own biological children? Or perhaps there is an interest in adoption?

If there isn't a strong interest in children or you are willing to adopt, his mother's point is moot.

Have the three of you ever sat down and had a conversation about all of this?

[laliquepsych]

He is the only son :/

Originally Posted by hvert

I am not sure what you can do. Does he have to have his mother's permission to marry you? What would happen if you got married without her blessing?

[laliquepsych]

Your assumption is correct, we both really interested in having children. Why? Because he is the only son, and in our culture family name is a bit important where descent from father. His parents want biological grandchildren from their son.

We, three of us haven't sat down together.. Because we lived in different cities and island :/

Originally Posted by FrightenedRabbit

I assume from your post that you are both very much interested in having children.

If this is the case, must they be your own biological children? Or perhaps there is an interest in adoption?

If there isn't a strong interest in children or you are willing to adopt, his mother's point is moot.

Have the three of you ever sat down and had a conversation about all of this?

[laliquepsych]

Hhmmm.. What will you do if you're on my position and condition?

Society pressures us to do things that we sometimes do not wish to do. And often, we don't even realize that we don't want it until it's too late. I don't like to let society dictate that I must provide a child for my partner if he is an only child (and he is) simply to carry on a name and bloodline. That said, children have never been and will likely not be something that either myself or my partner are interested in. But, you do need to make the choice for yourself. Don't feel pressured by society. Take others' opinions into account, but they need not be the final decision-maker.

If you truly love this man, and he truly loves you and you both truly wish to have your own biological children, sit down and have a serious discussion about it. First, talk about it on your own and try not to let emotions cloud the discussion. There are certainly risks that your genetics will pose, but those are challenges that you and your potential future partner will face; not his mother. Not to mention that those with schizophrenia can live productive and happy lives. I have an aunt who is schizophrenic and she is married to a kind and loving man, working as a personal support worker. She grew up in a large family during a time when many individuals affected with mental health concerns were pushed aside, misdiagnosed and left to fend for themselves, but she is thriving today. It sounds as though you and your potential partner are conscientious enough to provide a caring environment and are knowledgeable enough about mental health that any future offspring would be in a good position for support.

[laliquepsych]

Well it's not really answer things in my head but it help me to see things different and i have things to say to my partner
Thank you for sharing about what happen with your aunty makes me not really hopeless..

Originally Posted by FrightenedRabbit

Society pressures us to do things that we sometimes do not wish to do. And often, we don't even realize that we don't want it until it's too late. I don't like to let society dictate that I must provide a child for my partner if he is an only child (and he is) simply to carry on a name and bloodline. That said, children have never been and will likely not be something that either myself or my partner are interested in. But, you do need to make the choice for yourself. Don't feel pressured by society. Take others' opinions into account, but they need not be the final decision-maker.

If you truly love this man, and he truly loves you and you both truly wish to have your own biological children, sit down and have a serious discussion about it. First, talk about it on your own and try not to let emotions cloud the discussion. There are certainly risks that your genetics will pose, but those are challenges that you and your potential future partner will face; not his mother. Not to mention that those with schizophrenia can live productive and happy lives. I have an aunt who is schizophrenic and she is married to a kind and loving man, working as a personal support worker. She grew up in a large family during a time when many individuals affected with mental health concerns were pushed aside, misdiagnosed and left to fend for themselves, but she is thriving today. It sounds as though you and your potential partner are conscientious enough to provide a caring environment and are knowledgeable enough about mental health that any future offspring would be in a good position for support.

[KathyM]

(((Laliquepsych)))

I understand the desire to carry on a blood-line, but your bf's mother needs to get off her high horse. A "healthy" baby is not a guarantee, even with two healthy parents with healthy families.

She's concerned about the schizophrenia. How would she feel if her "blood" grandchild was born with, say, Down's syndrome with a serious heart defect and developmental disabilities? Or maybe a grandchild with a huge and inoperable cleft palate? Would she have the capacity to be a loving grandmother - and would that "blood" child be considered an important member of the family?

If you and your bf are fully willing to take that risk, she should have no say in the matter. Regardless of the outcome, the child would be a "blood" grandchild for her to love. If you're not willing to take the risk and choose to adopt, the child would STILL be a grandchild for her to love.

If your bf is unwilling or unable to go against his mother's wishes, there is nothing you can do. If you force him to turn his back on his mother, it would most likely only cause him (and you) more heartache and pain.

[Perna]

Hi, laliquepsych, I'm not sure of marriage traditions in Indonesia but I would suggest you remind your boyfriend that only your aunty has schizophrenia whereas his uncle and cousins have it so he is perhaps the biggest gene carrier and if his parents want natural grandchildren, they will have to risk his marrying someone anyway? I would learn about his uncle and cousins and how their lives have been affected by the illness and share about your aunty, what you think of her and how well she does/does not do and also have him remind his mother that you two are a different generation and your children will be raised with more understanding than was available for his uncle and your aunty.

[pachyderm]

Is your aunty a blood relative? Sometimes that word, aunty, is used to mean someone who is close but not actually related...

[laliquepsych]

Yes, she's my mom's elder sister..

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Is your aunty a blood relative? Sometimes that word, aunty, is used to mean someone who is close but not actually related...

[laliquepsych]

Sure, we can talk in PM i think

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, laliquepsych, I'm not sure of marriage traditions in Indonesia but I would suggest you remind your boyfriend that only your aunty has schizophrenia whereas his uncle and cousins have it so he is perhaps the biggest gene carrier and if his parents want natural grandchildren, they will have to risk his marrying someone anyway? I would learn about his uncle and cousins and how their lives have been affected by the illness and share about your aunty, what you think of her and how well she does/does not do and also have him remind his mother that you two are a different generation and your children will be raised with more understanding than was available for his uncle and your aunty.