[koloradokid]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 5 years; we're both 23 years old. He has openly-admitted to watching porn when he was in high school (he just told me, I didn't ask), but he said he stopped because he felt horrible about it. I found a picture on Instagram that he liked of a girl in a bikini 8 months ago, so I approached him about it. I told him it really hurt that he would look at another girl. He said he doesn't know why he did it; he felt like he slipped and messed up.

Because of that, I felt we needed to re-build trust (mainly because he wouldn't admit to the action at first, but told me after I told him that I just want the truth and will be constructive about it).

Last night I logged into his e-mail account (I just felt a moment of weakness), but it's an old email--he hasn't used it in about 3 years. I was looking through the sent folder, and I found conversations with girls. When I met him, he would often use Omegle--an online chatting website--because he doesn't have a lot of friends and wants to talk to people. The conversations seemed pretty harmless, except one. There were pornographic photos of a girl that were sent to him 3 years ago. I approached him about this and he told me exactly what happened. He had been talking to some girl, and she asked if he wanted to see pictures. He said he had a moment of weakness and cowardly said sure. He said he thought they were going to be bikini photos, not completely naked photos. He then told me that after two pictures, he asked for another one. He said he felt he was getting sucked in. He said it was a moment of utter cowardice and weakness. I asked him how long that continued, and he said that he felt guilty and stopped using Omegle altogether after he asked for another picture.

His actions took place 3 years ago, and he doesn't show any signs that he looks at porn. Deep in my heart I really don't think he is looking at porn or asking for pictures from strangers. He has changed and grown a lot over the past 3 years. He seems really committed, and has put himself through school and now the navy reserves to become a better person for me because he said he wants to marry me.

I just needed to vent and would like any insight.

shows pretty weak morals.................

[(JD)]

Okay. You know in your heart what you know... he's addicted to porn. One in four men are addicted to porn.

You say that the incident (that he disclosed) occurred 3 years ago ...but then you said that 8 months ago was another "slip up."

I'm not judging, but you need to decide if this is something you want to live with the rest of your life. He needs professional help for his addiction. It leads to more and more distress. The Destructive Path of Pornography Addiction

Since it bothers you (as it does me) I would suggest you find someone else to spend your time with for life. He might be able to stay a friend, but obviously his desires lie elsewhere (and he'll need or want you less and less as it progresses and it will cause more and more angst in your relationship.)

No one is perfect but knowing ahead of time what is ahead should be enough for you to make a good decision, imo.

[edward777]

How does "porn addiction" get defined? Is someone who looks at it occasionally addicted? Is someone who would look at it if they could an addict? Is this a man's thing or are women who look at porn just being playful? Seems people ignore then tens of millions of women in the USA who look at porn sites.

So come on, even something from the DSM would be nice.

[(JD)]

Well you can find the DSM on your own, I'm sure... the fact that the person doing the looking is ashamed and has tried to quit pretty much defines it for him, imo.

[aleej28]

Is he ashamed he looked or ashamed he got caught? Saying this is an addiction is a little extreme I think...so 3 years ago he was 20 years old, and as everyone knows, boys (yes boys, not men) mature way slower than women. I'm not saying this is an excuse to his behavior, but if you really feel that he loves you and cares for you, then is it worth obsessing over? I know that's hard to think about in those terms, I obsess over similar things, big and small, for years (I'm still angry over a fight I had with a best friend 4 years ago). So look om the bright side: he's changing and maturing and sounds like he's getting his life together with the navy and such to prepare for a future with you which is awesome! Hope that helps

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[BNLsMOM]

Check out my post called "Need Opinions Help!" On this forum. In it I describe what the consequences of a long term sex/porn addiction turn into. It is up to you to decide to trust him or not. Go with your gut feeling and then use your mind.

[healingme4me]

What prompted your curiosity to go into his e-mails? Has he been behaving withdrawn or something, to that effect? Was this news, rather recent? And you felt the need to settle your mind?

Having looked at porn, three years ago, as a 20 year old man, isn't a crime. Doesn't mean, he won't make a wonderful husband and future father.

I guess my concern, is from this, is how is he to trust you? By making this, such a huge deal, it's almost as though, you've passed judgment on the person who wants to marry you.

Was this, literally, taking something, away from your relationship. A poster on this thread alludes to the fact that this isn't in the DSM. Porn, as with many things, becomes an issue, when it consumes a person, in ways that they aren't behaving in a functional way.

Some view it, as support of the degradation of people, and exploitation of people. Are you worried, that your bf, isn't of sound moral character, because he did this? Would, it really mean, that he's not of sound moral character, if he had enjoyed it? Is it, the end of the road, for the two of you? He didn't exactly, cheat on you, and those that enjoy photos and videos of this nature, aren't necessarily susceptible to going down a cheaters path either.

Some factions of society preach this, as the greatest ill, known to mankind. I am not so sure, that it really is.

What are you, really, unsettled about where your relationship, is concerned?

Originally Posted by koloradokid

Last night I logged into his e-mail account

I found conversations with girls.

3 years ago. He had been talking to some girl, and she asked if he wanted to see pictures. He said sure.
after two pictures, he asked for another one. He said he felt he was getting sucked in.he said that he felt guilty and stopped using Omegle altogether after he asked for another picture.

His actions took place 3 years ago, and he doesn't show any signs that he looks at porn. Deep in my heart I really don't think he is looking at porn or asking for pictures from strangers. He has changed and grown a lot over the past 3 years. He seems really committed, and has put himself through school and now the navy reserves to become a better person for me because he said he wants to marry me.
.

[Alt77]

I think logging onto his email is crossing the line. Give the guy some privacy. Just remember that he with you and happened to see a photo of another girl. At least he's not with another girl looking at your photo. I think you're alright.

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[RomanSunburn]

In my opinion, your boyfriend doesn't sound like an addict. I see an addiction as something that gets in the way of your ability to function day in and day out, holding a job, maintaining relationships. I also don't think because he felt guilty about looking at pictures makes him an addict either. I'm sure plenty of addicts don't feel any guilt at all.

I think what is far more concerning is the lack of trust in your relationship. You don't trust him, and even if he hasn't said it, he probably doesn't trust you since you've gone through his things. I'm not trying to cast stones; we've all had our weak moments and made bad decisions. But what I am trying to get at is that you guys need to work on rebuilding trust and learning to communicate with one another if you want this relationship to last.

I think you did make a good point, though, in realizing that he's done a lot of maturing in three years. I also agree with those telling you to go with you gut. You have to do what you think is right.

And besides.. The way I think about it? I've probably looked at a lot more girls in bikinis and lingerie than my husband. It's called online shopping End result is still the same

I don't see a problem with it, a lot of people watch porn . . .

It seems like much of the guilt is coming from the idea that looking at porn is such a big bad horrible thing.

There are a few different situations brought up in the OPs original post: looking at general pornographic images, looking at amateur photographs of random attractive people on the internet and and then looking at images of a pornographic nature sent privately between two people.

The first two really should be no big deal even if the person is in a commited relationship. I can appreciate how some one looks and still know that I would never approach them or consider engaging with them in any way. The fact that the photo was on the internet and not, say, of a regular person but on his bedroom wall is even more significant.

That he was in a situation where he was talking to girls, felt pulled into the situation with the photo graphs, felt guilty and stopped but then hasn't really done anything since and is still clearly commited to you speaks VOLUMES.

It communicates that maybe he is very young to be in a serious relationship and has probably gone through a lot of growth. It seems like you are subjecting him to a lot of expectations which may actually be unreasonable. You haven't stated any evidence that he is unfaithful, that he is unhealthy in his desire to look at pornographic images, that he lacks moral judgement- with the exception of the incident with the email pictures which happened three years ago, which he admitted to immediately and pretty quickly backed out of. But we all make mistakes and he clearly discoverd for himself that was not a road he wants to go down.

NONE of that is indicative of someone with any kind of pornography addiction or someone who does no want to be commited.

What it is indicative of is a relationship with strong elements of attempted control, lack of freedom, invasion of boundaries and little trust.

it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to look into another person's private communications without their knowledge and permisson. It doesn't matter if you suspect something, if it was three years ago, if you "accidently opened it" and so were there anyway.

If anyone did that to me, I would be absolutely furious and he has every right to be as well.

The fact that he hasn't pitched an absolute fit over that really says a lot about how much he is willing to give to this relationship.

Your demands are high and I urge you to reconsider them before you two are married.

Originally Posted by (JD)

Well you can find the DSM on your own, I'm sure... the fact that the person doing the looking is ashamed and has tried to quit pretty much defines it for him, imo.

I ate too much ice cream a couple months ago and my mom called me on it, but it has happened at least one time before- it doesn't mean I have an eating disorder.

Maybe we can hold off on trying to clinically diagnose everyone who has some kind of personal issue... it's not always pathological?

[Alt77]

Ice cream is innocent, always.

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[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by edward777

How does "porn addiction" get defined? Is someone who looks at it occasionally addicted? Is someone who would look at it if they could an addict? Is this a man's thing or are women who look at porn just being playful? Seems people ignore then tens of millions of women in the USA who look at porn sites.

So come on, even something from the DSM would be nice.

Imagine yourself building a practice promising to treat porn addiction. You want to attract a lot of clients. How would you define porn addiction with that goal in mind?

...

More or less this is what seems to be going on.

[hamster-bamster]

Koloradokid - you have double standards.

You spent quite some time perusing his Sent folder yet you easily forgive yourself by trivializing the incident - by naming it a "moment of weakness". A moment, really? Scarlet Johanson (I may be misspelling her last name) in the great new movie HER goes through many years' worth of email to compile a book, BUT she is an OS. You are not an OS - you are human; it must have taken you hours to collect the info you collected.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

[IndieVisible]

Women want men to be completely honest and open, yet when we are they some times get mad and or cry or don't understand. After 15 years of marriage I am convinced women only want men to be what they want a man to be and if he's not then they attempt to change him.

Some one looks at porn and suddenly they automatically have porn addiction lol.
Some guys look at porn and it's no big deal. We are not all doing what some might think. We go to strip bars. We like to smoke, drink and gamble. We occasionally look at other women. So what? It's possible to do all that and not cheat and love your woman too.