Love, Using or Control?

My bf confuses me. He showers me with affection, tells me he loves me, says he wants to marry me, gives me attention & his time around the clock but oddly never does anything for me unless it benefits him. He accuses me of being with other men when I'm grocery shopping for us, gets annoyed if I want to talk to my gfs on the phone, read, sew or do anything that doesn't involve him. When I'm talking on the phone, even when I'm talking to my mother, he will interrupt me with his loud talking or give me big wet & loud kisses. It's annoying because he's like a kid who wants attention. He sees me everyday! We live together & I have a dog. If I ask him to walk my dog for me he will say no because it is my dog & responsibility yet I have taken on his responsibilities because that what a partnership is to me. He's mean to my dog & will keep her in the hot hall when I'm at work. I've even caught him pushing her out the door with his foot! When I asked him wtf was happening, he just walked by me & ignored me but then is loveable again 2 hrs later.

My son & I do everything in the house. He barely takes out the trash. The only time he will help with the trash is when he sees another man on street offer to help me drag the can to the curb! He only spends $ on himself. Once he was supposed to watch my son while I took my mom to dinner for her bday. He told me 2 hours before the reservation that he had to work & to take my son with me.

He moved in with me in Sept. We've been together for almost 4 years. He's a truck driver and wants to talk to me on the phone throughout the day. I work in an office and cannot sit on the phone all day. There have been times when I have had to hang up with him when he worked the evenings so that my 9 yr old son could call his father & he was annoyed, had a tantrum & told me that if I won't pay attention to him, he will find a woman who will put him first! Of course that upset me & I rushed my son off the phone with his father to call him back because I love him but I don't understand the threats.

He always tells me that he can find a younger & prettier partner if I don't treat him right. I'm 35 & I know I'm very beautiful but I don't let it go to my head because beauty is only skin deep. Is he intimidated by my looks? I don't give him any reason that I'm looking for another bf. I have both male & female friends but he has refused to meet mine & hasn't introduced me to his either.

He drives my car to work & when I need to use it, he will always moan about me replacing the gas. He got tickets on my car & didn't tell me about it until I received notices in the mail about my license being suspended. But the tkts he received while in his work truck, he addressed!

I don't know what to think anymore. He says that he loves me but his words don't meet his actions. He's very selfish & angry. He will sometimes lash out at me for no reason when everything is fine. I will sometime argue back but most of the times I overlook & give him way because I don't want my son to see us fight because he accuses me of being a drama queen when I do.

I need some advice. I think I'm going to ask him to leave soon but my heart wants him to stay. Why? He doesn't respect me or the people I love. I think he's jealous of my son too!

Hello, SterlingOrchid, and welcome to Psych Central!

I am not happy with what you say about this guy. He does sound using and controlling to me. Maybe you think that this guy is better than no guy at all, but I certainly hope you can find someone more respectful and loving of you and who treats your dog right for that matter. He doesn't sound like he is very decent at all.

Yeah, let him go out and find that "good-looking and prettier" partner. His saying that is emotional abuse as far as I am concerned.

I very much agree. Calmly tell him to leave, adding that you think he deserves a prettier, younger woman who would be more dedicated to him and who would be an orphan, so that there would be no mother's birthday dinners, childless, and independently wealthy, so that she could talk to him non-stop all day long.

A beautiful 35 year old woman with a job, one son, one dog, a good relationship with her mother and a decent relationship with her ex (son's dad) should have no trouble finding a new bf.

I understand your plight. He probably has some insecurities to be checked. Be open to him about his actions and how they've taken a huge toll on you. If he can take responsibility and be more considerate of you and people or things dear to you, keep him. But if otherwise, let him go. Don't give him the impression that you can't do without him.

Lose this guy quick. He is all talk. Some people are like that you know. They say whatever it takes to keep you but do not back it up with their actions because the talk is all a lie. They say all the right buzz words "I love you so much" "You are my world", blah, blah, blah, just to keep you holding on. Some people use this technique all their lives because it works. They get all that they want without having to "do" anything or "give up" anything for it. This is the most selfish kind of person and you don't need him. Don't waste any more of your life. Get out while you are still young and beautiful. You deserve better. JMO

PS: I see you asked if it is love, using or control. He is using and controlling. Sorry that's how it sounds to me.

I agree with everyone...he's using me, is controlling & very very very selfish. He will only do something if it benefits him. He gets angry, has explosive tantrums, tries to bully me & puts me down so that he can manipulate me because he knows that I love him. I tried to talk to him about his attitude yesterday & he vlamed me for his actions. So, I asked him to leave & gave him a week to move. He exploded at me, said I wasn't a real woman, he isn't attracted to me anymore, my lady parts are ugly to him & he wants a younger, prettier & better woman anyway...WHOA! I wasn't surprised but his words stung & had me in tears. I could have lashed but I don't want anymore drama. He has 1 week & the police will be escorting him out of my house for good. My brother is going to stay with me until he leaves. My bf is usually on his best behavior when others are around.

Oh my. I'm so sorry SterlingOrchid. See how he responded when you called him on his behavior? How terrible that he insulted you as a woman! This shows his true feelings which are totally self centered. He never grew up. Some "men" are just boys in disguise but it's to late for them to learn now. I'm sorry for you but I'm so proud you had the courage to stand up to him and you found out his true nature. Stand strong and stay with us on PC. Support is here for you.

Two words - good riddance.

Don't dwell on what he said about your ladyparts. Not related to reality at all. Not whatsoever. What happened was that you asked him to leave, but with his ego he could not take being rejected, so he pulled a sour grapes line on you. That is all.

check out NPD. (narcissistic personality disorder) he will never change. only get worse. you, on the other hand, can change. it's ok to set boundaries. i have found that if you have any doubts about a man, he is not the one. true love never doubts.

Or check out bpd. ^^^

Good riddance, my exh behaved in similar ways.

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You'll need time to grieve, recover, and sort through, what brought you to such a relationship, and why you stayed too long.

Because chances are, may not have been your first experience with a PD(personality disorder), probably won't be your last. But if you seek your own wellness, chances are, your boundaries and integrity won't be overstepped, overplayed, the next time.

Tis better, to find someone, who is self aware, in their own recovery, than jumping blindly, head first into another potentially damaging scenario.

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I had a boyfriend who would never take me on dates unless I loaned him the money to do it. Sounds like your guy. I kept hoping things would get better and he would change but he ended up breaking my glasses and cutting me with a razor blade. I was with this man for three years. Nothing changed in that three years. This reminds me of your guy.

I am glad that you are doing what is best for you and your son.

He sounds like a child. That might be why your heart kind of goes soft about him. Did you really want to adopt another child? You might want to think seriously about all the aggravation you would save yourself, if he wasn't there.

I've known him for almost 10 years. We ran in the same circles. I always thought he was a good guy but as you get close to someone, that's when they show you their true colors. His words don't gel with his actions.

This is my first experience with a personality like him & my last. My 2 previous bfs & ex fiance were decent men. I have no idea why I feel for this jerk! He is a 6'4 250 lb child. I also found out he has an online dating profile & has been talking to other women for months. Yes, this will be his last week. He's still having tantrums in the house & sulking. He thinks I'm the bad guy. I don't care what he thinks as long as the end result is the same...He's gone from my sight by Sat! The prettier & younger women with fat butts & lady parts as he says can have him!

No, I don't want another child. I was pregnant by him last Feb but I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. The pregnancy was unplanned but I didn't want an abortion. We had planned on keeping it.
He & I were friends before we became serious & I guess he was already in my system when I saw that he wasn't the guy I thought he was & what he said to be. I'm happy that he's leaving. No one should be abused. It's a terrible feeling. I'm lucky that my self esteem is in tact because the things he says would be hard to bounce back from.

Thanks for the sound advice. I'm glad to know that I have support! I haven't told my mother or father about anything that is going on because they would be very angry & would have thrown him out by the coat tails already. Only my brother & best friends know.

I am so sorry that happened to you & I'm glad that he is your ex! Life is too precious to waste on low lifes!

He left yesterday. My brother, who was ath my house at the time, heard him yelling at my dog & saw him pick her up by her collar & throw her outside in the hall. I have a 50 lb docile & sweet pit puppy who is almost 2 years old. She wouln't hurt a fly & only wants to cuddle. I don't know why he would be mean to her. She's the sweetest dog ever! My brother got angry & grabbed him up. My ex realized he couldn't bully or fight my brother like he did me & left. He was gone by the time I came home from work. He only had to take his clothes since he had moved in with me. He texted me all last nite calling me names & sending pictures of women from dating & sex sites...his "more beautiful options" as he says & says that he hopes that I die on the operating table when I have my foot surgery next month & more horrible things. He even sent a pic of a vooddoo doll! He's crazy! I blocked his #. He called my job this morning with the threats but I immediately called my IT dept. They blocked his # but first informed him that if he calls again, they will document his harassing & hostile calls & get a lawyer. I'm filing an order of protection today. I never knew he like this. He's an angry & selfish person & I don't need him in my life.

I am glad he is out and - how lucky with that miscarriage, in retrospect.