[StuckinRut]

Hi,

I would really like some advice on how to deal with my parental family. My relationship with all of them has been difficult long time. It is a very complicated topic. I will try to briefly enough of the background to put my question in some context. I would say that I had a wonderful early childhood. I was very close with my mum for many years. But something changed at some point, I cannot pinpoint when. My mum, who had always been a devoted parent became dependent. My dad has always been an inspiration, but he is a man that was never really happy or satisfied with the person that his son wanted to be. My teenage years were spent at home, I had few friends. Partly this can be attributed to my personality, partly it was their making. When I went to university I stayed at home. But things gradually began changing; I gradually began changing. I tried to leave home after I graduated. But my mum persuaded me to stay. She said that she needed me and couldn't face certain problems alone. She also said that I wouldn't be happy living alone. After some thought and deliberation I stayed. But things became harder and harder. My mum and dad both had/have strong tempers. I was often the often a mediator between them during their arguments. Also they would argue with me about how I conducted my life and personal choices I was making. At this time I was in my middle twenties. I increasing felt that this was inappropriate. For example, my mum wanted to know everything about my life. When I finally started to try date girls, my mum want to know all the details. She would say that I was being “secretive” is I didn't tell her. Gradually I grew further and further apart from my mum. We really had nothing in common any more. She became increasingly negative in her outlook and controlling towards me. I felt that I had no one to turn to at home. But at work I was finally finding acceptance and friends. My mum hated that. In summary I would say that my mum and dad are toxic. When I reached my late 20's I finally left home. I have tried to distance myself from them both physically and mentally since, while also maintaining contact and not upsetting them. I now live around 200 miles away. But they are still over dependent on me and try to exert their control if I don't constantly assert my independence. Now they are much more subtle in their approach. For example it has become a rule that I must call them every weekend. If I don't call they text me. Their excuse is to see if I am o.k.. But the real reason is to prompt me to phone. How can I better manage this? How can I reduce their dependence on my without upsetting them or feeling terribly guilty?

[kaliope]

the simple fact is it is your choice whether to feel guilty or not. you are not responsible for your parents feelings. you can play the role of "good son" and give them a call every weekend and make them happy, but set boundaries with this call. you do not need to inform them of everything that is going on in your life. just let them know that work is going well, life is well. if they insist on more, say im not going to talk to you anymore. or simply text them and let them know things are going well, hope they are well. enmeshment is a difficult thing to get past. maybe a few sessions in therapy to discuss the particulars of your situation will give you some pointers on how to separate from your parents more effectively. take care.

[hvert]

It's a very difficult situation, especially since it is hard to figure out what a 'normal' boundary looks like when you grow up this way. I had a similar problem as an adult, with a mother who thought I should be her best friend.

For me, setting firm boundaries really helped. If I don't want to call, I don't. If I don't want to visit, I don't. If I don't want to reply to her text messages or emails, I don't. She complains, but there's nothing she can do besides nag me, and that gets easier and easier to ignore with practice.

Over time, she has accepted this new way of things and does not make so many demands. It sounds like your situation is slowly improving also. Keep reasserting your independence as often as you need to and living your life on YOUR terms, not theirs.

It really will get better over time - even the guilty feelings will lessen as you become more aware of how they try to manipulate you. Have you ever googled 'martyr mother'? It was eye opening for me.

[StuckinRut]

Hi Kaliope and hvert,

Thanks very much for your kind replies. I think that I'm slowly beginning to develop a different perspective on my situation. Seeing your supportive words and excellent advice has really helped. I think you are right, I should limit the amount that I divulge and also seek some counselling to find better ways of dealing with this. Also, I totally agree, part of the problem is that I'm not sure what normal boundaries are. I think it will help to set firm boundaries and reassert my independence when necessary. I will Google "martr mother"

[nicoleflynn]

Read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud....excellent resource....

[Rose76]

Start making those phone calls at random times. Start skipping a weekend here and there. In some families, having set times of the week or month to call becomes a custom that all enjoy. That is not your case. Good for you in figuring out that the weekend calls have become a control tool. Start skipping occasionally. Once in a while, go more than a week without calling. Then ignore the texts that this prompts. Then call at a time of your own choosing. Avoid explaining yourself to you parents. Making you feel you have to do that is just more controlling. Just say, "I'll keep in touch, but I can promise exactly when I will call, but I'll get back to you."

They are going to get worse, as they get older and find they really do need you. Then, only you can decide how involved you want to be. That 200 miles distance is a real good thing to have. Your going to have to accept that being your own person is going to upset them. They'll get over it.

[Fuzzybear]

[StuckinRut]

Thanks so much for the excellent advise and suggested reading. I agree skipping a weekend and calling at random will help break the routine and assert my independence. But it's going to be hard. At the moment I always prearrange a time I will call. That avoids the panic text asking if I'm o.k.. But I have to try to ignore it, as you advise. I have to admit that I'm scared of them. Can't explain why, it's illogical, there is nothing the can do to me. But old habits die hard.