[kittyfaye]

I don't have an awesome relationship with my mother. I can't just go up to her and start talking about everything going on in my life. I feel she judges me for not having finished college even though I'm about done with my EMT course. I'm 23 years old and finally moved out of my parents house last year. My mother is a control freak and wants to dictate every move I make. She called me a little snot the other day in front of my grandparents because I didn't respond to her "heeeyy giirl" like a little preppy... She asks me why my self-esteem is so low and I don't know what to say to her. She thinks I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend just because I want one. I love him, she hates him. He has done nothing to her, and she said, "he's a smart-*** and I don't like it." So what??? Get over it, he just likes to joke. She makes me feel worthless, and thinks that I'm jealous of my younger sister who is about to graduate college and has a boyfriend my mother approves of. She brags on them a lot in front of me and she says she knows I don't like it. She also treats my dad like crap too. Both my boyfriend and my roommate have been to my parents' house and both can feel the tension in the air and I could cut it with a knife it's so thick. I'm tired, I just wish my mother understood me and would quit judging and quit being a narcissist. I want a better relationship with her but a relationship is a two way street isn't it?

[hamster-bamster]

You poor thing. No, your mother won't stop her wicked ways, but you can stand up for yourself and your bf a bit.

"Mom, I am kind of tired now, so I don't want to listen once again to your stories about sis, and to cut it short let me tell you that I am happy for her and her bf, but I personally like my bf much better, so to each her own. Bye now."

[Marshellette]

Well thank goodness you don't live with her anymore.

[Rose76]

Your mom does sound like a controller. But you sound like you have gotten pretty emancipated. You sound very strong. Even if you were to make a decision that you later regret, you'll regret that less than you would regret not being your own person. Good for you making your way through the EMT training. That's a tough course. You express yourself well. That college work you did represents education that you will always have. Maybe some day you may want to pursue a degree, maybe not. Any education is an asset. Lots of young people have come out of school with a diploma, only to be disappointed to find that didn't guarantee them anything.

You are very young and well on track for your years. You may have to resign yourself to not getting a lot of validation from your mom. That's unfortunate, as much for her as for you. But you can't let yourself be manipulated. Pursue your own relationship with your grandparents . . . see if you can be with them from time to time just yourself, without it being on her turf. Try not to let her behavior get in between you and your sister. She can't be the gatekeeper for what and who can and can't be in your life. It sounds like you won't allow that. I say: Good for you.

It's nice that you want a better relationship with her. She's gotta meet you half way, though . . . or at least part of the way. When someone takes a "My way, or the Highway." attitude, you sometimes have to let go.

[Rose3]

Good for you completing your EMT course, and for creating your own home. Your mother does not define your self-esteem. And it's unfortunate that she calls you names. Sounds unhappy to be around her right now.

[kittyfaye]

Thank you for your kind words, it really meant a lot. She has quoted "my way or the highway" before. I hate it and I'm glad I'm not living there anymore or I'd go insane. I haven't spoken to my family in a week or two and I feel a little guilty about it, but they haven't bothered to contact me either. So what's the point of me even trying?

[Rose76]

Here is "the point." You are winning. You are winning your independence, which you have made huge strides in establishing. Keep living your life as you decide, but I wouldn't go burning any bridges. Why should you . . . it's not necessary. You never know what the future will bring. Your parents are a couple, but you have a right to have a relationship with each of them that is between the two of you. So if you have a nicer understanding with your father, don't punish him unnecessarily. Like, if you have to maintain a distance from your mom, try to touch base with your dad now and then. (Everyone has cell phones these days, so you can phone him once in a while when he is on his own and not have to talk to your mom too.) Even if you have to make up needing your dad's advice on something, like what auto tires does he recommend. Any little thing. He'll feel good to hear from you and for you to value his input. Avoid putting him in the middle of you and your mom. He has to live with her, you don't.

They say you teach people how to treat you. I think you are teaching your mom. She's not a willing learner, so it will be a slow process. Hope you have the patience.

[kittyfaye]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Here is "the point." You are winning. You are winning your independence, which you have made huge strides in establishing. Keep living your life as you decide, but I wouldn't go burning any bridges. Why should you . . . it's not necessary. You never know what the future will bring. Your parents are a couple, but you have a right to have a relationship with each of them that is between the two of you. So if you have a nicer understanding with your father, don't punish him unnecessarily. Like, if you have to maintain a distance from your mom, try to touch base with your dad now and then. (Everyone has cell phones these days, so you can phone him once in a while when he is on his own and not have to talk to your mom too.) Even if you have to make up needing your dad's advice on something, like what auto tires does he recommend. Any little thing. He'll feel good to hear from you and for you to value his input. Avoid putting him in the middle of you and your mom. He has to live with her, you don't.

They say you teach people how to treat you. I think you are teaching your mom. She's not a willing learner, so it will be a slow process. Hope you have the patience.

I agree with you one hundred percent. I feel so bad I haven't called my dad while he's at work. I feel soooo freaking bad. I might call him tomorrow.

[Rose76]

I'll bet you are a really good daughter. You seem to have the right idea about a lot of things.

[agtha123456]

Your mother want you to be excellent, and every mother hope that, yes, your mother need to understand you, and you need to put yourself into your mother's shoes. Hope the relationship between you and your mother is getting better and better.