I have been married for 10 years. My husband and I have never really had the best sex life. There was no passion and I had a medical issue that caused major pain that got worse with sex. There was times we would go months without doing anything. 5 years into our marriage, I had a surgery that took care of the medical issue. I was no longer in pain and really looking forward to having a normal sex life with my husband. At first, he claimed he didnt want to have sex because he was afraid of hurting me. It took months to convince him that I was fine. There was still no passion and the sex was blah. After awhile, we were back to not having sex very often. We don't kiss except for a peck once in awhile. And when we would have sex, it was all about him. I would feel used after wards. Like what was the point of even getting undressed? There were other problems in the relationship and we were falling apart. Needless to say, I had an affair. The guy was someone from my past so its not like he was a stranger. My husband found out and there was a big fight. I promised to stop seeing the guy but I haven't. This other guy is passionate, loving, kind, sweet, and makes me feel beautiful. The sex is exactly what I want.

Here is my problem. I don't know what to do. I know cheating is wrong. I know I have to choose one of them. But I just can't. Husband is my best friend. The man I see myself growing old with. I can't imagine my life without him. Boyfriend is the perfect sexual mate for me. I have tried to talk to the husband about the sex issue. He just doesn't understand why I feel this way. I can't get him to see that there is something lacking. That I need more than he is willing to give.

Ugh. I am so confused. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? And please don't tell me that I'm a horrible person cause I already know that.

[bryantbi]

Getting your needs met does not make your a horrible person... it sounds like it's making you an unhappy one, though.
It sounds to me like there are other significant issues present aside from the sex in your relationship, and it may be time to take a break from it. Get away for a while to evaluate what it is that you really want. I know how important your husband is to you, but doing what you're doing is dangerous, and may ultimately end your marriage anyway.
Please keep us posted on what you do!

It would for sure end the marriage if he found out I was still seeing the boyfriend. But I can't seem to stop. I tell myself every day that I am not going to talk to the bf anymore. That I won't text him or call him. And I won't see him anymore. Then it's like I can't stop myself and I do it anyways. I feel horrible after for cheating but feel so good about the sex.

[healingme4me]

Sex is an important relationship need. Sounds like you've addressed this, with your husband, and it still isn't a met need.
Have you considered, marriage counseling?
You mention your husband being ideal, in every way, but that one. You expressed, he seems selfish, in that area, does that not(selfishness), carry over to other aspects of your lives, together? Just, there?

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At this point, you seem extremely hesitant to end the relationship with the bf. But perhaps what you need is a break to sort things out. Tell the bf that you need space to figure things out. I trust that he knows you are married? He must understand that you are in a heck of a position, and if he respects you, he will respect your decision. I think that your sexual relationship is certainly influencing your ability to make a rational decision. If you are able to temporarily suspend the sex, maybe it will help?

I understand the conflict. As healingme4me suggested, counseling may help. It would provide a safe space for you to express your needs and work for solutions for your husband to meet your needs. If he is willing to, then great. If not, then that is a whole other issue that would also be benefitted by some counseling.

You are not a horrible person. You are human. We have needs and desires and sometimes we make decisions that, in hindsight, aren't perfect. But that does not make you horrible.