When am I ever going to see the end of people wondering whether or not I can handle doing basic everyday stuff everybody else does without thinking twice? Why such a low level of confidence in me? It really matters nothing at all whether a person was "trying to be hurtful" or "meant it that way." The thing is, that's how it comes out, when they ask, "Are you sure you can deal with....?" My gosh, if I wasn't sure, I wouldn't try, because my confidence suffers enough without other people questioning my abilities too. If I'm planning to do something, it's a pretty good sign I think I can handle it.

Then there's this conversation with my husband, after I told him I get enough of people saying they think I can't do something, and I need to hear people say they have confidence in me.

"I thought that went without saying."
"No. It doesn't. I need to hear it."
(silence)
"I said, I need to hear it."
(silence)
"I need to hear you say, you have confidence in me, and you think I can do it.
"Yeah. That."
"No, 'yeah, that,' isn't what I asked you to say."

Why is it so hard for him to say it?

[Webgoji]

It sounds like his "Love Language" is completely different from yours.

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He maybe doesn't work in verbal affirmations. Maybe you two could come together and figure out how each of you communicate and then both work on giving each other the communication you need?

As for everyone thinking you can't handle things, that's a bit more tricky. Again, I think it starts with communication. When they say something that "wasn't meant that way" repeat back to them how you're hearing it. Something like, "What I'm hearing you say is that I'm just a child that can't deal with this situation." It will help them clarify what they are saying and reinforce on them how they should structure their conversations.

I speak as one who didn't get a license to drive a car until just under a year ago, and I'm 49. Family had assumed I was too emotionally unstable to learn, and so didn't bother teaching me. They'll say, if confronted, that they hadn't realized I had wanted to learn, and had thought it was my own choice because I was too full of anxiety. This despite the fact that I had on numerous occasions asked if someone would teach me, and I got a lot of "Yeah, sure, I'll teach you," but until my husband came along, nobody actually stepped up and did. By not teaching me vital life skills they assumed I wouldn't be able to learn, they made it a self-fulfilling prophecy that I wouldn't be as independent as the rest of them, and would then need them to look after me. Some of the messages were subtle, and some were more blatant. I remember the family going to Disney World and standing in line for Space Mountain, and as we were waiting, the whole topic of conversation among everybody else was how I was going to totally lose my (ahem) on the ride. I just wouldn't be able to handle it!

That made me mad. I didn't utter a squeak on the ride, as it turned out. Yes, I had my eyes closed the whole time, but it was more important to prove them wrong. Boy, if you want to make me very angry very fast, assume I'm going to mess something up before I even have a chance to try it.

As for hubby, he now tells me he hates it when I tell him what to say. His reaction is to dig in his heels and resist saying it, because he feels coerced. Fair enough, but I've also been told I don't know how many times, that if I need something I have to ask for it outright because people can't read my mind. So then I ask for what I need, and they won't do it because they don't want to feel like they're giving in?

Originally Posted by Webgoji

It sounds like his "Love Language" is completely different from yours.

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

He maybe doesn't work in verbal affirmations. Maybe you two could come together and figure out how each of you communicate and then both work on giving each other the communication you need?

As for everyone thinking you can't handle things, that's a bit more tricky. Again, I think it starts with communication. When they say something that "wasn't meant that way" repeat back to them how you're hearing it. Something like, "What I'm hearing you say is that I'm just a child that can't deal with this situation." It will help them clarify what they are saying and reinforce on them how they should structure their conversations.

We had an appointment later in the day, after I made the OP. The expert mentioned love languages too, and I said it was the second time in 24 hours, so there must be something to it. So we investigated and compared notes. Turns out "words of affirmation" is my strongest language, but his weakest. No wonder we have conflicts there! He's big on "acts of service" which is my second strongest, so we both get doing things for each other. "Quality time" is my third and his second. His third is "gift giving" which barely registers with me, and neither one of us were high on "physical touch," which surprises me because we do hold hands a lot.