[Melodic]

I've been in a relationship for a while now, and it is causing extreme stress almost weekly but I am finding it hard to leave. I am extremely insecure, and if I don't get reassurance from my bf that he still wants to be with me, or doesn't make it clear that he wants to talk to me, I immediately assume he's thinking of breaking up with me. Obviously it's causing a lot of stress on not only him, but me as well.

I'm uncertain why I am like this, but a few theories of mine are that I either have borderline personality disorder (abandonment etc.), severe trust issues for no reason, or that we simply aren't compatible - I say this because I am the type of person who loves to talk a lot, all day. I think about him a lot and wonder what he's up to. However, he's the complete opposite and even if he does think about me a lot, he does not make that obvious at all; his style is to communicate rarely online/call (and hence we do not talk as much as I would like or I was expecting to; I sometimes resent him for this since I feel I must always refrain from contacting him when I want to), however in person he is very affectionate and caring. It is merely when we are apart, which is a lot due to busy lifestyles, that negativity and insecurity creeps up on me, and I end up causing an argument that pushes him away more. Another major incompatibility is that when he is stressed he tends to need space whereas I require confrontation immediately to solve the issue - this makes me feel even more stupid, like I am smothering him. Truthfully, I simply cannot give space. I would prefer to break up than to give space, which sounds terrible, but I just cannot handle the uncertainty.

I deplore myself for being like this, because without him I was strong, independent and didn't need anybody else. Now I feel like I am crazy, and yet, when things are good, such as when we are in person, they are really good. I question things a lot because part of me wonders if we would even last in the long term - there are certain issues even on top of this that make long term (marriage etc.) quite unlikely, but it's still so difficult to leave because I still have feelings for him. At the same time there is a slim chance we would work out in the long term, and that has been what has kept me here. I have thoughts of trying to find someone else or try my best to stop caring about him so that we can eventually fizzle out. It certainly sounds terrible that I know breaking up could potentially be a good idea but I can't do it since I know I will miss him like crazy. He likes the idea of being (very close with future potential) friends, to ease the pressure while I am stressed due to external circumstances, but I feel that would be no different to being in a relationship, and feel I cannot do that either. This is not to say he doesn't care - I can tell he does not want to lose me and cares about me a lot.

I don't really know what to do. Sorry about the long, disorganized wall of text, I just need some advice, or if anyone has been in a similar situation? I'm currently thinking of taking a break, or at least not talking for a week or so to see if anything changes, though I'm sure he'd find that very easy, and I would find it an enormous and painful challenge.

I am wondering perhaps love simply isn't enough in this case?

[Elektra_]

hi. u do know what to do. as u said u seem incompatible. ur not receiving what u want from a guy, from what i read. and yeah that does seem like a borderline trait that u need to fight whenever it surfaces. for now, take a break and then see whats best for u. tc

If ur anything like me u read into thjngs x he seems totally in love with u but doesn't know how to communicate. My guy is the same. I flip regularly and he is still here. I am content. And I think u need take time to think what u want from this xxx

[Melodic]

Thankyou for the replies. I do think he is in love with me (on my good days) but it does seem we are incompatible. I need a lot more communication than him, and it makes me dissatisfied that we barely talk. And even if he tries to communicate more for my sake, it is clear that he feels forced to to keep me, rather than actually wanting it. He is a much more solitary person who prefers to do his own thing, while I would like to feel more connected to my partner. I would prefer someone who makes it clear they love talking to & being with me, and would drop other things for me, which I honestly, perhaps shamefully, would do for him were he the same. I wonder if it is because this is my first relationship, while he has had quite a few before me, that I seem more 'obsessed'. I guess I have to distance myself a little and figure out if it's worth it.

Originally Posted by Melodic

I would prefer to break up than to give space, which sounds terrible, but I just cannot handle the uncertainty.

Completely understand this. I ended a complicated friendship because of lack of communication and uncertainty. It's no easier than ending a full on relationship. Some people just need the validation...