Fiance's Past Infidelity Aggravating My Anxiety, How Do I Learn to Trust Myself?

That was really well said. It is exactly what I did when I was being cheated on. I was not ready to leave that relationship for a whole bunch of reasons, but in the meanwhile I bolstered myself and made myself stronger every way I could. Slowly I realized how resilient I really was, and my self-esteem grew and grew.

At the end of the day, that relationship did not last. My ex-husband simply couldn't (or wouldn't) do the work that needed to be done to rebuild trust. But by the time the relationship actually ended I was well on the road to strength and recovery.

Thank you for this. As a part of lent and because it just needs to be done, I've decided to break my emotional dependence on him. I don't need him financially or any other way but I do count on him entirely too much emotionally. He was there when my anxiety first started and he fought with me threw it so I started counting on him for a lot even though he was big on me being self empowered. I will admit that he's done a lot to prove he can be trusted a lot but I think what's important is what you've said and that is me ending this dependence. He's also quite a bit older than me and I've been with him since I was 18. He's really all I know though I've managed to go to two prestigious schools and am now at a third working on a doctorate with his full support. Still I need to make sure my aptitude for taking care of myself is where it should be and I really thank you for pointing that out. I will be talking to my therapist about this thread tomorrow.

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This makes perfect sense too. As long as I'm healthy and have done the work I need to on myself, I'll be ready if it comes to that.

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If he "thrives on that validation"---what happens when he doesn't feel validated by....you?!

That's an important point, not to be missed. If he has a need for external validation, particularly in the form of romantic attention from women (this was my ex-husband to the letter) then this is a problem that is not going to go away unless he recognizes it, and does the long, hard work to deal with it. In my ex's case, he never did. So we would go through these periods of "remission", where he would not be engaged in intrigue with other women, but eventually he'd relapse. (I'm deliberately using the language of addiction btw, because that's what it was.)

I went through this cycle sooooo many times. And in the end the only way to break the cycle was to be out of that relationship.

My fiancé is a male CSA survivor. The validation he needs isn't sexual, it's more verbal affirmation. He doesn't have a history of cheating but I know his need for female validation stems from the very tumultuous relationship that he has had with his mother throughout his life. She derides him and is probably one of the most negative people I've ever met.

He doesn't primarily need complements or foreplay for arousal, which always confused me, he needs to be told he is a good person and worth something and then he is extremely aroused both sexually and in terms of his behavior - he lets his wall down. I always wondered if this is because of his feelings of unworthiness related to his rape. He is always concerned with how I view him as a man. It took him years to cheat and I admit I was emotionally absent for a very long time so I don't think it'll be habit for him.

That said, he is starting therapy to deal with the issues he has with his mother and his molestation as a child which took place under her watch. He also attended therapy with me immediately following the affair and our couples therapist instructed him to stop seeking external validation and then worked with him on setting boundaries with me and others and affirming himself. He seemed to respond well to it.

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it really comes down to not "thriving" on validation, everyone does that. We all like an amount of validation from our loved ones, friends and relatives but the better question is whether or not one depends on this validation to have any self worth and confidence, etc.