I'm confused and lost.

Hello guys,
I'm currently 15 and I am a sophomore in high school. Now before I start typing my long *** essay about my life, I ask that you read the whole thing and please help me out.

I grew up in China with my grandparents and aunt and uncle until the age ten. Before I moved to the states, I literally, not exaggeration, was averaging over 100 in every class. The change happened when I moved here and started living with my parents for the first time. The constantly favor my brother and treat him different from me, because he grew up with them, whether they know it or not, and whether they want to admit it or not. They constantly are putting me down, and yelling at me for the smallest things. For example, my mom won't allow me to use my mouse with my right hand. Excuse my language, but wtf? Does one really have to yell and call your son selfish and an idiot just because he uses his right hand for the computer mouse and talks back to you because you are completely insane? My dad does the same thing, except he has really short temper, whenever I talk to him he gets annoyed, and all that. By all means, they're not physically abusive, but they are verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. They ****ed me up so much, and it is affecting my school work academically, athletically, and my future in all. My grades have dropped from high 90s since moving here to the lowest being high 70s 5 years later, now. Not bragging, I am above average intelligence by a lot, and I should be achieving so much more. But they stand in my way. They both expect me to do better, and if i don't, i am bombarded with more verbal and emotional abuse. The more troubling thing is the high expectations from my grandparents and aunt and uncle who raised me. They gave me their all and expects me to achieve greatly, being the oldest male in my generation, in a very traditionally asian family. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me, but i do know i get suicidal thoughts often. I can't handle this stress. I can't concentrate on my school work. I think i have ADHD. I can't remember things well anymore. Heres the real issue though:

Earlier this year, I was given some marijuana as a present. I did extensive research, and found that it helps people focus, helps depression, and calms people down from not being so jumpy and unfocused. So I smoked it about a month after I got it. I blew about $1000 buying from a dealer in my school, and it has been helping. Recently, my grandpa got lymphoma, a type of white blood cell cancer. I am blamed for it, or should I say, if i do well in school, he will get well. If not, he will die. Basically. Its hard for soldiers to deal with the death of their comrades in battle, whether kin or not. So how does my family expect me to take CANCER into my own hands? especially one of my own blood? I ran out of money my grandparents gave me, so I can't buy more weed. I started getting suicidal and depressed thoughts again, so I started doing research. I decided to grow my own weed, which can provide me with a bit of weed in as fast as a month, meanwhile, I can borrow some from friends. Plus, maybe I could start dealing! I wasn't thinking straight. I have no money, of course, so I took my moms credit card, and spent about $1500 on supplies to grow. Stupidly enough, I left some of the boxes in our recycle bin, and she found out something was wrong. She called my dad who is in China helping to take care of my grandpa, and also called UPS, USPS, etc and amazon to start an investigation. More things are happening and the clues are pointing it more and more to me. I just keep denying and lying to both my parents. I know I'm not supposed to lie, but they always say they won't be as pissed if i don't lie, but they are just as pissed. Thats goes into a whole other issue of them not trusting me, but verbally abusing me until I commit to doing something I didn't do, sort of like the government and terrorists at Guantanamo Bay. So today I got into a really big argument with my mom because she barged into my room and tried to search for stuff, but I shoved her out and locked the door. This happened too a couple of days ago when this started. Im pretty sure they know its me, as my lie is falling apart. Im stressed enough from all the school work i missed visiting my grandpa for a month because the doctor said he was going to pass away, and now I have to deal with this. My mind is so occupied with my grandpa, school, this, and stress from my parents that i can't even sit down to do work. Its been two days that i have been siting in my room just staring at the same work in the book Frankenstein from 3 to 10. I have to make up all my midterms, and my life is in hell. Im so done. Im thinking just to tell my parents that I ordered everything and was planning to grow pot in our house in New York, but I'm afraid of the other consequences and more stress and tension that would come from that. I have no pot, nothing to calm me down, or help me, so I am currently in a state of i don't even know how to describe it. I just want to sit here, and die. I want to kill myself. I don't know what to do. If anyone can help and tell me what to do, that would be really appreciated.

I have tried talking to adults at my school, but I just can't tell them Im on pot. I also can't really open up to them, as the psychologist is my track coach, which I'm a all-county shot-putter in, and my health teacher is so chill that I just don't think she can take things seriously enough. PLEASE HELP ME!! WHY IS LIFE SO ******?

Whoa calm now. I used to smoke a lot of herb to calm myself. I went through a qrt I a day, and that was just for getting hw done, labs, papers, and projects. Now I can't smoke it I get really paranoid and dissociate hard core.
Have u ever looked at trying legal herbs?
Passion flower calms me down quite a bit with my anxiety. So does valerian. I think there is a forum for alternative meds here somewhere. Don't let urself put all that pressure on u. Cancer is a genetic mutation no one caused it it just happens. All u gotta do is put ur family out of ur mind.

Now I know that's hard, I had to do it to. I come from a very abusive family and used to get my *** beat everyday all because dad was drunk and pissed or had a bad day or something bad happened so it got taken out on me. I went to school as early as possible everyday and stayed as long as I could.

Wow 42!Where to start with this! When I was in elementary school I had a friend whose parents told her she was stupid, etc etc when she did not get the grades they knew she was capable of! NOT a good way to handle it, but maybe that is the way her parents were raised. I am thinking maybe it is the same way with your parents. I am not saying they are right for treating you that way, I am just trying to rationalize their behavior. Maybe if you think about it that way you can deal with it a bit better. The psych at school can probably give you some really helpful advise, whether you are smoking pot or not. The psych and help you learn to deal with all the guilt trips and put downs your family lay on you. But it is always better to be honest, so stop smoking!
I am not going to condone your use of pot....but I can not give you a hard time about it either. The thing that scares me is that pot is a gateway drug and you do not need any more problems. Even though pot has temporarily made you feel better, look at the problems that have come from your use. Seriously, spending so much money on your moms card! You know you will have to come clean and take the punishment! And it will not be a pretty scene since you have lied over and over. Please do not think I am judging you, I was no angel in H.S. but think about all this. I do believe you are very intelligent. So put those smarts to work. You know that you are not responsible for your Grandfathers heath. Logically, you must. You can not carry the weight of your family on your shoulders!
Good Luck 42. I will be thinking about you!!!

hi 42zero
it certainly seems that you have nowhere to turn, but I highly encourage you to talk to your parents about what is going on in your life and how you are feeling. let them know about the pressure they are putting you under and even about how suicidal you are feeling. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome.

Hi 42Zero - you sound stressed. When family members are being obnoxious, then maybe you can find ways to keep some distance from them. When you find yourself having suicidal thoughts, please keep things in perspective and remind yourself that you have other options. So focus on some of the productive things that you can do, that you want to do. And maybe go talk to someone in a counselling department, someone who will listen to you, and help you sort things out, and find some peacefulness.

Dude I am into crystal me I love drugs, but they shouldn't define who you are. You should analyze yourself ad realize its not the marijuana that you need it's just having it around in case you crave it. Don't trick yourself into thinking you can not function while off it.

Hi 42zero, unfortunately your parents are highly unpleasant and making you depressed. They put you down, ridicule you .
Blackmail. And you being used as a scapegoat for the families ills. Totally unfair.
Stop the pot. Do your very best at school, and then, get away from this toxic family A.S.A.P.