This is stupid.

I know it is.

I really feel like "no one understands me" [oh woe is me, right?]... but I also recognize that may be a melodramatic yet simultaneously simplified interpretation of my interactions as of late.

As well, I know that it's at least half my fault I feel like that- there is a lot of space between me and other people. I feel it most when I am most in distress.
I have a way of narrowing my focus when I am upset. However, if I can't talk to anyone- common lately- I tend to just overload.

It's normally a challenge to kind of play along, pretend things are funny, fuzzy up my feelings and tuck half of them in my back pocket. I'm more palatable that way. Even on a support site, it is hard for me to talk about what is going on in a real way unless I am in full on panic mode. I talk in a lot of generalities, and that doesn't help to make a connection.

When I try to talk about things going on, and fail, and then the conversation just moves on, I feel defeated.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm about two inches from locking myself in my room until August or something. I feel blocked at every turn that I try to communicate, but it's not like it is everyone else's fault.

I just don't know what to do about it.
I don't feel understood by anyone, but I know that can't be true. That NO ONE [or even the vast majority of people] have absolutely no idea what I'm on about all the time.

I'm left feeling frustrated and inept and sad and actually really really really alone.

And then I'm mad because I feel all that and I don't know how to stop feeling that.

And then my thoughts get really dark and stupid and so on and so forth.

I'm usually pretty good at avoiding this downward spiral, but lately I have just felt like I can't connect with almost anyone. I also can't see a therapist for right now, at least a couple of weeks. Probably same with psychiatrist. I think a lot of this is stemming from health stress and then a spike in OCD, but I need to be a reasonable human being in the meantime.

I really don't know how to do that. I can't talk in specifics about things that aare bothering me- I even tried going over to NT and felt instantly like I didn't belong. I don't know why.

I don't think there are any solutions to this, but if anyone understands... that might just feel a little supportive.

I don't know what I'm looking for here.
It's difficult even writing this pretty vague thing- that I'm upset that I'm upset.

[ridiculous]

Its not ridiculous at all, many people struggle to either find the words or to be forthcoming about what it is they're struggling with.

There are a myriad of reasons why this break in communication is present. Sometimes our minds prefer working in metaphors, sometimes we're not all that well versed in verbalising emotions, sometimes its just downright too uncomfortable, sometimes the words just get lost... But whatever it is, its not a negative reflection on you or any of us, it rather sheds a type of light on specific struggles.

When I can't bring myself to be open and honest about my emotions, I use bullet points, that way there's no way it can get lost in any other fluff I come up with.

I'm willing to listen if you're willing to continue, doesn't matter what type of content you come up with, we all need atleast one person who will listen. You're definitly not alone.

I understand Josie. Not ridiculous, stupid or any of the things that enter your mind about your situation.

When it comes to talking to people, there has to be a trust there first. My suggestion would be to not put so much pressure on yourself to being able to reveal and express your deepest concerns with someone. A true friend will understand no matter what, and if you slowly let your guard down, it will come, you'll find someone that you trust enough and you'll automatically feel comfortable with sharing more with them as time goes on.

I don't know if that makes sense but i hope so.

*hugs*
S4